Thank you Todd for reminding me of a song that fits my mood today… I appreciate it so much.
Anna Begins – Counting Crows
My friend assures me, "It's all or nothing."
I am not worried, I am not overly concerned.
My friend implores me, "For one time only,
make an exception." I am not worried.
Wrap her up in a package of lies,
Send her off to a coconut island.
I am not worried, I am not overly concerned with the status of my emotions.
"Oh," she says, "you're changing."
We're always changing...
It does not bother me to say this isn't love.
Because if you don't want to talk about it then it isn't love.
And I guess I'm gonna have to live with that.
But I'm sure there's something in a shade of grey,
Or something in between,
And I can always change my name
If that's what you mean.
My friend assures me, "It's all or nothing."
But I am not really worried, I am not overly concerned.
You try to tell yourself the things you try to tell yourself
To make yourself forget. To make yourself forget. I am not worried.
"If it's love," she said, "then we're gonna have to think about the consequences."
But she can't stop shaking and I can't stop touching her and...
This time when kindness falls like rain
It washes her away. And Anna begins to change her mind.
"These seconds when I'm shaking leave me shuddering for days," she says.
And I'm not ready for this sort of thing.
But I'm not gonna break and I'm not gonna worry about it anymore.
I'm not gonna bend, and I'm not gonna break. And I'm not going to worry about it anymore.
It seems like I should say, "As long as this is love..."
But it's not all that easy, so maybe I should
Snap her up in a butterfly net and pin her down on a photograph album.
I am not worried cuz I've done this sort of thing before.
But then I start to think about the consequences,
And I don't get no sleep in a quiet room and...
This time when kindness falls like rain
It washes me away. And Anna begins to change my mind.
And everytime she sneezes I believe it's love and,
Oh lord, I'm not ready for this sort of thing.
She's talking in her sleep.
It's keeping me awake. And Anna begins to toss and turn.
And every word is nonsense but I understand and,
Oh lord, I'm not ready for this sort of thing.
Her kindness bangs a gong,
It's moving me along. And Anna begins to fade away.
It's chasing me away. She disappears, and
Oh lord, I'm not ready for this sort of thing.
Monday, November 15, 2010
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Monday, November 8, 2010
I Resign ~ Author Unknown
I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an adult.
I have decided I would like to accept
the responsibilities of an 8-year-old again.
I want to go to McDonald's and think that it's a four star restaurant.
I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle
And make ripples with rocks.
I want to think M&Ms are better than money
because you can eat them.
I want to lie under a big oak tree
And run a lemonade stand
with my friends on a hot summer dry.
I want to return to a time when life was simple.
When all you knew were colors, multiplication tables, and nursery rhymes,
But that didn't bother you,
because you didn't know what you didn't know
and you didn't care.
All you knew was to be happy
because you were blissfully unaware
of all the things that should make you worried or upset.
...I want to think the world is fair.
That everyone is honest and good.
I want to believe that anything is possible.
I want to be oblivious to the complexities of life
and be overly excited by the little things again.
I want to live simple again.
I don't want my day to consist of computer crashes,
mountains of paperwork, depressing news,
how to survive more days in the month
than there is money in the bank,
doctor bills, gossip, illness, and loss of loved ones.
I want to believe in the power of smiles, hugs,
a kind word, truth, justice, peace, dreams, the imagination,
mankind, and making angels in the snow.
So... here's my checkbook and my car keys,
my credit cards and all my responsibility.
I am officially resigning from adulthood.
And if you want to discuss this further,
you'll have to catch me first,
'cause,
Tag! You're it.
I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an adult.
I have decided I would like to accept
the responsibilities of an 8-year-old again.
I want to go to McDonald's and think that it's a four star restaurant.
I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle
And make ripples with rocks.
I want to think M&Ms are better than money
because you can eat them.
I want to lie under a big oak tree
And run a lemonade stand
with my friends on a hot summer dry.
I want to return to a time when life was simple.
When all you knew were colors, multiplication tables, and nursery rhymes,
But that didn't bother you,
because you didn't know what you didn't know
and you didn't care.
All you knew was to be happy
because you were blissfully unaware
of all the things that should make you worried or upset.
...I want to think the world is fair.
That everyone is honest and good.
I want to believe that anything is possible.
I want to be oblivious to the complexities of life
and be overly excited by the little things again.
I want to live simple again.
I don't want my day to consist of computer crashes,
mountains of paperwork, depressing news,
how to survive more days in the month
than there is money in the bank,
doctor bills, gossip, illness, and loss of loved ones.
I want to believe in the power of smiles, hugs,
a kind word, truth, justice, peace, dreams, the imagination,
mankind, and making angels in the snow.
So... here's my checkbook and my car keys,
my credit cards and all my responsibility.
I am officially resigning from adulthood.
And if you want to discuss this further,
you'll have to catch me first,
'cause,
Tag! You're it.
Friday, November 5, 2010
No I can't spell it out for you
simple song and lyrics but a great message here.
take time to tell those you love that you love them
don't miss out on the precious opportunities
to express love to one another
Realize ~Colbie Caillat
Take time to realize
That your warmth is
Crashing down on me
Take time to realize
That I am on your side
Well didn't I, didn't I tell you
But I can't spell it out for you
No it's never gonna be that simple
No I can't spell it out for you
If you just realize
What I just realized
That we'd be perfect for each other
And we'll never find another
Just realize
What I just realized
We'd never have to wonder
If we missed out on each other, now
Take time to realize
Oh oh, I'm on your side
Didn't I, didn't I tell you
Take time to realize
This all could pass you by
Didn't I, didn't I tell you
But I can't spell it out for you
No it's never gonna be that simple
No I can't spell it out for you
If you just realize
What I just realized
That we'd be perfect for each other
And we'll never find another
Just realize
What I just realized
We'd never have to wonder
If we missed out on each other, but
It's not the same
No it's never the same
If you don't feel it too
If you meet me half way
If you would meet me half way
It could be the same for you
If you just realize
What I just realized
That we'd be perfect for each other
And we'll never find another
Just realize
What I just realized
We'd never have to wonder
If we missed out on each other
Just realize
What I just realized
That we'd be perfect for each other
And we'll never find another
Just realize
What I just realized
We'd never have to wonder
If we missed out on each other, now
Missed out on each other now
Missed out on each other now
Missed out on each other now
take time to tell those you love that you love them
don't miss out on the precious opportunities
to express love to one another
Realize ~Colbie Caillat
Take time to realize
That your warmth is
Crashing down on me
Take time to realize
That I am on your side
Well didn't I, didn't I tell you
But I can't spell it out for you
No it's never gonna be that simple
No I can't spell it out for you
If you just realize
What I just realized
That we'd be perfect for each other
And we'll never find another
Just realize
What I just realized
We'd never have to wonder
If we missed out on each other, now
Take time to realize
Oh oh, I'm on your side
Didn't I, didn't I tell you
Take time to realize
This all could pass you by
Didn't I, didn't I tell you
But I can't spell it out for you
No it's never gonna be that simple
No I can't spell it out for you
If you just realize
What I just realized
That we'd be perfect for each other
And we'll never find another
Just realize
What I just realized
We'd never have to wonder
If we missed out on each other, but
It's not the same
No it's never the same
If you don't feel it too
If you meet me half way
If you would meet me half way
It could be the same for you
If you just realize
What I just realized
That we'd be perfect for each other
And we'll never find another
Just realize
What I just realized
We'd never have to wonder
If we missed out on each other
Just realize
What I just realized
That we'd be perfect for each other
And we'll never find another
Just realize
What I just realized
We'd never have to wonder
If we missed out on each other, now
Missed out on each other now
Missed out on each other now
Missed out on each other now
Monday, November 1, 2010
Dont Give up, Dont Ever Give Up
Anybody that knows me, knows how much I value sports as a way of life and a metaphor for life itself. This speech is used by the Jimmy V foundation.
It is Jim Valvano's acceptance speech from the very first ESPY awards.
His college team NC State defeated what was long considered a far superior opponent in the University of Houston. The team included future NBA stars Clyde Drexler and Hakeem Olajawon.
His personality and enthusiasm in all things is contagious and definitely motivating and inspirational.
enjoy!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HuoVM9nm42E
On March 4, 1993, Jim Valvano was awarded the inaugural Arthur Ashe Courage and Humanitarian Award at the first annual ESPY Awards. Following is his acceptance speech.
You can also visit our YouTube Channel to see other V Foundation videos at www.youtube.com/thevfoundation
Thank you, Thank you very much. Thank you. That's the lowest I've ever seen Dick Vitale since the owner of the Detroit Pistons called him in and told him he should go into broadcasting.
The I can't tell you what an honor it is, to even be mentioned in the same breath with Arthur Ashe. This is something I certainly will treasure forever. But, as it was said on the tape, and I also don't have one of those things going with the cue cards, so I'm going to speak longer than anybody else has spoken tonight. That's the way it goes. Time is very precious to me. I don't know how much I have left and I have some things that I would like to say. Hopefully, at the end, I will have said something that will be important to other people too.
But, I can't help it. Now I'm fighting cancer, everybody knows that. People ask me all the time about how you go through your life and how's your day, and nothing is changed for me. As Dick said, I'm a very emotional and passionate man. I can't help it. That's being the son of Rocco and Angelina Valvano. It comes with the territory. We hug, we kiss, we love. When people say to me how do you get through life or each day, it's the same thing. To me, there are three things we all should do every day. We should do this every day of our lives. Number one is laugh. You should laugh every day. Number two is think. You should spend some time in thought. Number three is, you should have your emotions moved to tears, could be happiness or joy. But think about it. If you laugh, you think, and you cry, that's a full day. That's a heck of a day. You do that seven days a week, you're going to have something special.
I rode on the plane up today with Mike Krzyzewski, my good friend and wonderful coach. People don't realize he's ten times a better person than he is a coach, and we know he's a great coach. He's meant a lot to me in these last five or six months with my battle. But when I look at Mike, I think, we competed against each other as players. I coached against him for fifteen years, and I always have to think about what's important in life to me are these three things. Where you started, where you are and where you're going to be. Those are the three things that I try to do every day. When I think about getting up and giving a speech, I can't help it. I have to remember the first speech I ever gave.
I was coaching at Rutgers University, that was my first job, oh that's wonderful (reaction to applause), and I was the freshman coach. That's when freshmen played on freshman teams, and I was so fired up about my first job. I see Lou Holtz here. Coach Holtz, who doesn't like the very first job you had? The very first time you stood in the locker room to give a pep talk. That's a special place, the locker room, for a coach to give a talk. So my idol as a coach was Vince Lombardi, and I read this book called "Commitment To Excellence" by Vince Lombardi. And in the book, Lombardi talked about the fist time he spoke before his Green Bay Packers team in the locker room, and they were perennial losers. I'm reading this and Lombardi said he was thinking should it be a long talk, or a short talk? But he wanted it to be emotional, so it would be brief. So here's what I did. Normally you get in the locker room, I don't know, twenty-five minutes, a half hour before the team takes the field, you do your little x and o's, and then you give the great Knute Rockne talk. We all do. Speech number eight-four. You pull them right out, you get ready. You get your squad ready. Well, this is the first one I ever gave and I read this thing. Lombardi, what he said was he didn't go in, he waited. His team wondering, where is he? Where is this great coach? He's not there. Ten minutes he's still not there. Three minutes before they could take the field Lombardi comes in, bangs the door open, and I think you all remember what great presence he had, great presence. He walked in and he walked back and forth, like this, just walked, staring at the players. He said, "All eyes on me." I'm reading this in this book. I'm getting this picture of Lombardi before his first game and he said "Gentlemen, we will be successful this year, if you can focus on three things, and three things only. Your family, your religion and the Green Bay Packers." They knocked the walls down and the rest was history. I said, that's beautiful. I'm going to do that. Your family, your religion and Rutgers basketball. That's it. I had it. Listen, I'm twenty-one years old. The kids I'm coaching are nineteen, and I'm going to be the greatest coach in the world, the next Lombardi. I'm practicing outside of the locker room and the managers tell me you got to go in. Not yet, not yet, family, religion, Rutgers Basketball. All eyes on me. I got it, I got it. Then finally he said, three minutes, I said fine. True story. I go to knock the doors open just like Lombardi. Boom! They don't open. I almost broke my arm. Now I was down, the players were looking. Help the coach out, help him out. Now I did like Lombardi, I walked back and forth, and I was going like that with my arm getting the feeling back in it. Finally I said, "Gentlemen, all eyes on me." These kids wanted to play, they're nineteen. "Let's go," I said. "Gentlemen, we'll be successful this year if you can focus on three things, and three things only. Your family, your religion and the Green Bay Packers," I told them. I did that. I remember that. I remember where I came from.
It's so important to know where you are. I know where I am right now. How do you go from where you are to where you want to be? I think you have to have an enthusiasm for life. You have to have a dream, a goal. You have to be willing to work for it.
I talked about my family, my family's so important. People think I have courage. The courage in my family are my wife Pam, my three daughters, here, Nicole, Jamie, LeeAnn, my mom, who's right here too. That screen is flashing up there thirty seconds like I care about that screen right now, huh? I got tumors all over my body. I'm worried about some guy in the back going thirty seconds? You got a lot, hey va fa napoli, buddy. You got a lot.
I just got one last thing, I urge all of you, all of you, to enjoy your life, the precious moments you have. To spend each day with some laughter and some thought, to get you're emotions going. To be enthusiastic every day and as Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "Nothing great could be accomplished without enthusiasm," to keep your dreams alive in spite of problems whatever you have. The ability to be able to work hard for your dreams to come true, to become a reality.
Now I look at where I am now and I know what I want to do. What I would like to be able to do is spend whatever time I have left and to give, and maybe, some hope to others. Arthur Ashe Foundation is a wonderful thing, and AIDS, the amount of money pouring in for AIDS is not enough, but is significant. But if I told you it's ten times the amount that goes in for cancer research. I also told you that five hundred thousand people will die this year of cancer. I also tell you that one in every four will be afflicted with this disease, and yet somehow, we seem to have put it in a little bit of the background. I want to bring it back on the front table. We need your help. I need your help. We need money for research. It may not save my life. It may save my children's lives. It may save someone you love. And ESPN has been so kind to support me in this endeavor and allow me to announce tonight, that with ESPN's support, which means what? Their money and their dollars and they're helping me-we are starting the Jimmy V Foundation for Cancer Research. And it's motto is "Don't give up, don't ever give up." That's what I'm going to try to do every minute that I have left. I will thank God for the day and the moment I have. If you see me, smile and give me a hug. That's important to me too. But try if you can to support, whether it's AIDS or the cancer foundation, so that someone else might survive, might prosper and might actually be cured of this dreaded disease. I can't thank ESPN enough for allowing this to happen. I'm going to work as hard as I can for cancer research and hopefully, maybe, we'll have some cures and some breakthroughs. I'd like to think, I'm going to fight my brains out to be back here again next year for the Arthur Ashe recipient. I want to give it next year!
I know, I gotta go, I gotta go, and I got one last thing and I said it before, and I want to say it again. Cancer can take away all my physical abilities. It cannot touch my mind, it cannot touch my heart and it cannot touch my soul. And those three things are going to carry on forever.
I thank you and God bless you all
It is Jim Valvano's acceptance speech from the very first ESPY awards.
His college team NC State defeated what was long considered a far superior opponent in the University of Houston. The team included future NBA stars Clyde Drexler and Hakeem Olajawon.
His personality and enthusiasm in all things is contagious and definitely motivating and inspirational.
enjoy!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HuoVM9nm42E
On March 4, 1993, Jim Valvano was awarded the inaugural Arthur Ashe Courage and Humanitarian Award at the first annual ESPY Awards. Following is his acceptance speech.
You can also visit our YouTube Channel to see other V Foundation videos at www.youtube.com/thevfoundation
Thank you, Thank you very much. Thank you. That's the lowest I've ever seen Dick Vitale since the owner of the Detroit Pistons called him in and told him he should go into broadcasting.
The I can't tell you what an honor it is, to even be mentioned in the same breath with Arthur Ashe. This is something I certainly will treasure forever. But, as it was said on the tape, and I also don't have one of those things going with the cue cards, so I'm going to speak longer than anybody else has spoken tonight. That's the way it goes. Time is very precious to me. I don't know how much I have left and I have some things that I would like to say. Hopefully, at the end, I will have said something that will be important to other people too.
But, I can't help it. Now I'm fighting cancer, everybody knows that. People ask me all the time about how you go through your life and how's your day, and nothing is changed for me. As Dick said, I'm a very emotional and passionate man. I can't help it. That's being the son of Rocco and Angelina Valvano. It comes with the territory. We hug, we kiss, we love. When people say to me how do you get through life or each day, it's the same thing. To me, there are three things we all should do every day. We should do this every day of our lives. Number one is laugh. You should laugh every day. Number two is think. You should spend some time in thought. Number three is, you should have your emotions moved to tears, could be happiness or joy. But think about it. If you laugh, you think, and you cry, that's a full day. That's a heck of a day. You do that seven days a week, you're going to have something special.
I rode on the plane up today with Mike Krzyzewski, my good friend and wonderful coach. People don't realize he's ten times a better person than he is a coach, and we know he's a great coach. He's meant a lot to me in these last five or six months with my battle. But when I look at Mike, I think, we competed against each other as players. I coached against him for fifteen years, and I always have to think about what's important in life to me are these three things. Where you started, where you are and where you're going to be. Those are the three things that I try to do every day. When I think about getting up and giving a speech, I can't help it. I have to remember the first speech I ever gave.
I was coaching at Rutgers University, that was my first job, oh that's wonderful (reaction to applause), and I was the freshman coach. That's when freshmen played on freshman teams, and I was so fired up about my first job. I see Lou Holtz here. Coach Holtz, who doesn't like the very first job you had? The very first time you stood in the locker room to give a pep talk. That's a special place, the locker room, for a coach to give a talk. So my idol as a coach was Vince Lombardi, and I read this book called "Commitment To Excellence" by Vince Lombardi. And in the book, Lombardi talked about the fist time he spoke before his Green Bay Packers team in the locker room, and they were perennial losers. I'm reading this and Lombardi said he was thinking should it be a long talk, or a short talk? But he wanted it to be emotional, so it would be brief. So here's what I did. Normally you get in the locker room, I don't know, twenty-five minutes, a half hour before the team takes the field, you do your little x and o's, and then you give the great Knute Rockne talk. We all do. Speech number eight-four. You pull them right out, you get ready. You get your squad ready. Well, this is the first one I ever gave and I read this thing. Lombardi, what he said was he didn't go in, he waited. His team wondering, where is he? Where is this great coach? He's not there. Ten minutes he's still not there. Three minutes before they could take the field Lombardi comes in, bangs the door open, and I think you all remember what great presence he had, great presence. He walked in and he walked back and forth, like this, just walked, staring at the players. He said, "All eyes on me." I'm reading this in this book. I'm getting this picture of Lombardi before his first game and he said "Gentlemen, we will be successful this year, if you can focus on three things, and three things only. Your family, your religion and the Green Bay Packers." They knocked the walls down and the rest was history. I said, that's beautiful. I'm going to do that. Your family, your religion and Rutgers basketball. That's it. I had it. Listen, I'm twenty-one years old. The kids I'm coaching are nineteen, and I'm going to be the greatest coach in the world, the next Lombardi. I'm practicing outside of the locker room and the managers tell me you got to go in. Not yet, not yet, family, religion, Rutgers Basketball. All eyes on me. I got it, I got it. Then finally he said, three minutes, I said fine. True story. I go to knock the doors open just like Lombardi. Boom! They don't open. I almost broke my arm. Now I was down, the players were looking. Help the coach out, help him out. Now I did like Lombardi, I walked back and forth, and I was going like that with my arm getting the feeling back in it. Finally I said, "Gentlemen, all eyes on me." These kids wanted to play, they're nineteen. "Let's go," I said. "Gentlemen, we'll be successful this year if you can focus on three things, and three things only. Your family, your religion and the Green Bay Packers," I told them. I did that. I remember that. I remember where I came from.
It's so important to know where you are. I know where I am right now. How do you go from where you are to where you want to be? I think you have to have an enthusiasm for life. You have to have a dream, a goal. You have to be willing to work for it.
I talked about my family, my family's so important. People think I have courage. The courage in my family are my wife Pam, my three daughters, here, Nicole, Jamie, LeeAnn, my mom, who's right here too. That screen is flashing up there thirty seconds like I care about that screen right now, huh? I got tumors all over my body. I'm worried about some guy in the back going thirty seconds? You got a lot, hey va fa napoli, buddy. You got a lot.
I just got one last thing, I urge all of you, all of you, to enjoy your life, the precious moments you have. To spend each day with some laughter and some thought, to get you're emotions going. To be enthusiastic every day and as Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "Nothing great could be accomplished without enthusiasm," to keep your dreams alive in spite of problems whatever you have. The ability to be able to work hard for your dreams to come true, to become a reality.
Now I look at where I am now and I know what I want to do. What I would like to be able to do is spend whatever time I have left and to give, and maybe, some hope to others. Arthur Ashe Foundation is a wonderful thing, and AIDS, the amount of money pouring in for AIDS is not enough, but is significant. But if I told you it's ten times the amount that goes in for cancer research. I also told you that five hundred thousand people will die this year of cancer. I also tell you that one in every four will be afflicted with this disease, and yet somehow, we seem to have put it in a little bit of the background. I want to bring it back on the front table. We need your help. I need your help. We need money for research. It may not save my life. It may save my children's lives. It may save someone you love. And ESPN has been so kind to support me in this endeavor and allow me to announce tonight, that with ESPN's support, which means what? Their money and their dollars and they're helping me-we are starting the Jimmy V Foundation for Cancer Research. And it's motto is "Don't give up, don't ever give up." That's what I'm going to try to do every minute that I have left. I will thank God for the day and the moment I have. If you see me, smile and give me a hug. That's important to me too. But try if you can to support, whether it's AIDS or the cancer foundation, so that someone else might survive, might prosper and might actually be cured of this dreaded disease. I can't thank ESPN enough for allowing this to happen. I'm going to work as hard as I can for cancer research and hopefully, maybe, we'll have some cures and some breakthroughs. I'd like to think, I'm going to fight my brains out to be back here again next year for the Arthur Ashe recipient. I want to give it next year!
I know, I gotta go, I gotta go, and I got one last thing and I said it before, and I want to say it again. Cancer can take away all my physical abilities. It cannot touch my mind, it cannot touch my heart and it cannot touch my soul. And those three things are going to carry on forever.
I thank you and God bless you all
Friday, October 29, 2010
THE BEATLES - YOU'VE GOT TO HIDE YOUR LOVE AWAY
Heard this this morning and made me chuckle and smile...
of course they played it right after
(I'm just a sucker with no )Self Esteem by the Offspring
THE BEATLES - YOU'VE GOT TO HIDE YOUR LOVE AWAY
Here I stand head in hand
Turn my face to the wall
If she's gone I can't go on
Feelin' two-foot small
Everywhere people stare
Each and every day
I can see them laugh at me
And I hear them say
Hey you've got to hide your love away
Hey you've got to hide your love away
How could I even try
I can never win
Hearing them, seeing them
In the state I'm in
How could she say to me
Love will find a way
Gather round all you clowns
Let me hear you say
Hey you've got to hide your love away
Hey you've got to hide your love away
of course they played it right after
(I'm just a sucker with no )Self Esteem by the Offspring
THE BEATLES - YOU'VE GOT TO HIDE YOUR LOVE AWAY
Here I stand head in hand
Turn my face to the wall
If she's gone I can't go on
Feelin' two-foot small
Everywhere people stare
Each and every day
I can see them laugh at me
And I hear them say
Hey you've got to hide your love away
Hey you've got to hide your love away
How could I even try
I can never win
Hearing them, seeing them
In the state I'm in
How could she say to me
Love will find a way
Gather round all you clowns
Let me hear you say
Hey you've got to hide your love away
Hey you've got to hide your love away
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Dare you to move – Switchfoot
Dare you to move – Switchfoot
Welcome to the planet
Welcome to existence
Everyone's here
Everybody's watching you now
Everybody waits for you now
What happens next
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
Like today never happened
Today never happened before
Welcome to the fallout
Welcome to resistance
The tension is here
Between who you are and you could be
Between how it is and how it should be
Maybe redemption has stories to tell
Maybe forgiveness is right where you fell
Where can you run to escape from yourself?
Where you gonna go?
Where you gonna go?
Salvation is here
Welcome to the planet
Welcome to existence
Everyone's here
Everybody's watching you now
Everybody waits for you now
What happens next
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
Like today never happened
Today never happened before
Welcome to the fallout
Welcome to resistance
The tension is here
Between who you are and you could be
Between how it is and how it should be
Maybe redemption has stories to tell
Maybe forgiveness is right where you fell
Where can you run to escape from yourself?
Where you gonna go?
Where you gonna go?
Salvation is here
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Just Breathe – Pearl Jam
Just Breathe – Pearl Jam
Yes, I understand that every life must end, uh-huh
As we sit alone, I know someday we must go, uh-huh
Oh I'm a lucky man, to count on both hands the ones I love
Some folks just have one, yeah, others, they've got none
Stay with me...
Let's just breathe...
Practiced all my sins, never gonna let me win, uh-huh
Under everything, just another human being, uh-huh
I don't wanna hurt, there's so much in this world to make me believe
Stay with me
You're all I see...
Did I say that I need you?
Did I say that I want you?
Oh, if I didn't I'm a fool you see
No one knows this more than me
As I come clean...
I wonder everyday, as I look upon your face, uh-huh
Everything you gave
And nothing you would save, oh no
Nothing you would take
Everything you gave...
Did I say that I need you?
Oh, did I say that I want you?
Oh, if I didn't I'm a fool you see
No one knows this more than me
And I come clean, ah...
Nothing you would take
Everything you gave
Hold me til I die
Meet you on the other side...
Yes, I understand that every life must end, uh-huh
As we sit alone, I know someday we must go, uh-huh
Oh I'm a lucky man, to count on both hands the ones I love
Some folks just have one, yeah, others, they've got none
Stay with me...
Let's just breathe...
Practiced all my sins, never gonna let me win, uh-huh
Under everything, just another human being, uh-huh
I don't wanna hurt, there's so much in this world to make me believe
Stay with me
You're all I see...
Did I say that I need you?
Did I say that I want you?
Oh, if I didn't I'm a fool you see
No one knows this more than me
As I come clean...
I wonder everyday, as I look upon your face, uh-huh
Everything you gave
And nothing you would save, oh no
Nothing you would take
Everything you gave...
Did I say that I need you?
Oh, did I say that I want you?
Oh, if I didn't I'm a fool you see
No one knows this more than me
And I come clean, ah...
Nothing you would take
Everything you gave
Hold me til I die
Meet you on the other side...
Friday, October 22, 2010
A Spiritual Experience.
A Spiritual Experience.
Step XII: Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
Yesterday my boss was riding me hard and I just wanted to tell her and
The whole world to F off...
Lynne had to work late and because of other people running errands I
Didn’t have a ride home til she could pick me up off the train at 8pm
So I stayed in town...
Walked around a few historical sites...graveyard that has Paul Revere,
Ben Franklin’s parents. Hancock. Few politicians and big wigs...like
One of the judges from the Salem witch trials...cool place and things
To do...
Then walked over to an AA meeting that I just love...and one of my AA
Friends in Atlanta text me about to relapse...my phones dying but
Finally got in touch and kept her in good spirits...
Well now I had missed half the meeting and im in the lobby way...
Glass wall behind me overlooking the cemetery that I just told you
About... beautiful fall view... and there’s a man there... sitting in
One of 3 chairs off behind the coffee table...looks lost. Just deep
In thought.
So I sit down and start talking... can smell him...but whatever. Its
AA this is my favorite "city" meeting because it’s across the street
From Boston common where homeless and down and out sleep on park
Benches...within eyesight of the Massachusetts State house up the
Street...
Across the street from the cemetery is Suffolk univ. law school and
There is just a strange assortment of people that attend...
Big wigs, college students, business men in suits... people in jogging
Outfits that ran in the park... homeless... saw a gay couple of men
Wheeling in their daughter... just all types.
So I start talking to this downtrodden man...about life, love,
Money, spirituality... getting by. The nature of men and how easy it is
To judge and discount people.
He was amazingly smart...struggling at life but wise ... had been
Coming to meetings for 37 years..
And yet had struggled to stay away from the bottle in the past 2
Months. He wouldn’t get into great detail about certain things and I
Respected that. I didn’t pry...just wanted to help if I could...
But the reality is I wouldn’t have been able to change his
Reality...all I could ever do is lift his spirits and give him a
Different perspective on what he had been going through recently.
He changed my mind...about how I was feeling about my own life...about
Perseverance about god about faith and about humanity.... in the
Matter of an hour he had that much power inside him.
God works through people...through conversations and moments in our
Lives...where had we taken a left instead of a right...etc...
I think of this often lately. Having started to reconnect with people
In my past, losing touch with friends...feeling a need to reconnect
With my family...etc.
He just had a lot of wisdom, caring and just a gentle soul.
He told me about going to the bank and realizing that he smelled from 6 days of no showers. Girl possibly kicked him out from what I gathered but not completely out living on streets from the look of things. He insisted he had a place to stay. He goes to work for a newspaper company and had 40 cents left after buying his Charlie Train card...food, Etc
he had just put his pea coat in the dry cleaners so that he could go on a job interview Monday. With what little he had.
He was embarrassed because it was dirty and smelly and the lady had to ring it out and just looked at him. He goes people judge they can be so cruel... we talked about how people when they bundle up in winter they bundle up emotionally too…
We become cold and distant…
He had just taken a trip by train out west to San Diego and San Francisco and Texas for some work he had to do he insisted.
The man was sharp minded, sensitive, prideful and compassionate. Gentle in spirit and demeanor.
I told him did the jacket keep ya warm? ya... did it do what its designed to do? ya... then SO WHAT! Why you worried about what she thinks. Her job is to be of service and clean it up for you.
so you can look good and carry yourself well and keep your chin up for this interview...
he was telling me about talking to a young guy that wasn’t in AA about spiritual stuff and god and how he "didn’t get it"
and I said that’s why you got to come here... be around people that understand you...
and he had been coming for 37 years...struggling drinking again for the last 2 months it seems ... and wow just a great man.
There is alot of possibilities in life and I need to stop and see them
As positives. Anyway... im rambling but im in a much better mood after a very long
And trying week
Hard to really describe but the kind of guy you would walk past on the street...well most would... you might not :)
The reality is I could have walked by this man and never seen him again. Now I hope to see him again next Thursday. I insisted I would try my best to be there for him. That’s all I can really give most anyone… my time and attention. I can’t change his life I can’t take away the pain he seemed to be in…but for a moment he smiled…and even though his teeth were dingy it was the prettiest smile I have seen in years…because it was pure joy. Someone had shown me dignity and taken the time to talk to me and me with him. The generation gap between us had left.
I may never see him again. I might see him Thursday. Doesn’t really matter only that I let the spirit of the moment settle in and change me for the better.
Step XII: Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
Yesterday my boss was riding me hard and I just wanted to tell her and
The whole world to F off...
Lynne had to work late and because of other people running errands I
Didn’t have a ride home til she could pick me up off the train at 8pm
So I stayed in town...
Walked around a few historical sites...graveyard that has Paul Revere,
Ben Franklin’s parents. Hancock. Few politicians and big wigs...like
One of the judges from the Salem witch trials...cool place and things
To do...
Then walked over to an AA meeting that I just love...and one of my AA
Friends in Atlanta text me about to relapse...my phones dying but
Finally got in touch and kept her in good spirits...
Well now I had missed half the meeting and im in the lobby way...
Glass wall behind me overlooking the cemetery that I just told you
About... beautiful fall view... and there’s a man there... sitting in
One of 3 chairs off behind the coffee table...looks lost. Just deep
In thought.
So I sit down and start talking... can smell him...but whatever. Its
AA this is my favorite "city" meeting because it’s across the street
From Boston common where homeless and down and out sleep on park
Benches...within eyesight of the Massachusetts State house up the
Street...
Across the street from the cemetery is Suffolk univ. law school and
There is just a strange assortment of people that attend...
Big wigs, college students, business men in suits... people in jogging
Outfits that ran in the park... homeless... saw a gay couple of men
Wheeling in their daughter... just all types.
So I start talking to this downtrodden man...about life, love,
Money, spirituality... getting by. The nature of men and how easy it is
To judge and discount people.
He was amazingly smart...struggling at life but wise ... had been
Coming to meetings for 37 years..
And yet had struggled to stay away from the bottle in the past 2
Months. He wouldn’t get into great detail about certain things and I
Respected that. I didn’t pry...just wanted to help if I could...
But the reality is I wouldn’t have been able to change his
Reality...all I could ever do is lift his spirits and give him a
Different perspective on what he had been going through recently.
He changed my mind...about how I was feeling about my own life...about
Perseverance about god about faith and about humanity.... in the
Matter of an hour he had that much power inside him.
God works through people...through conversations and moments in our
Lives...where had we taken a left instead of a right...etc...
I think of this often lately. Having started to reconnect with people
In my past, losing touch with friends...feeling a need to reconnect
With my family...etc.
He just had a lot of wisdom, caring and just a gentle soul.
He told me about going to the bank and realizing that he smelled from 6 days of no showers. Girl possibly kicked him out from what I gathered but not completely out living on streets from the look of things. He insisted he had a place to stay. He goes to work for a newspaper company and had 40 cents left after buying his Charlie Train card...food, Etc
he had just put his pea coat in the dry cleaners so that he could go on a job interview Monday. With what little he had.
He was embarrassed because it was dirty and smelly and the lady had to ring it out and just looked at him. He goes people judge they can be so cruel... we talked about how people when they bundle up in winter they bundle up emotionally too…
We become cold and distant…
He had just taken a trip by train out west to San Diego and San Francisco and Texas for some work he had to do he insisted.
The man was sharp minded, sensitive, prideful and compassionate. Gentle in spirit and demeanor.
I told him did the jacket keep ya warm? ya... did it do what its designed to do? ya... then SO WHAT! Why you worried about what she thinks. Her job is to be of service and clean it up for you.
so you can look good and carry yourself well and keep your chin up for this interview...
he was telling me about talking to a young guy that wasn’t in AA about spiritual stuff and god and how he "didn’t get it"
and I said that’s why you got to come here... be around people that understand you...
and he had been coming for 37 years...struggling drinking again for the last 2 months it seems ... and wow just a great man.
There is alot of possibilities in life and I need to stop and see them
As positives. Anyway... im rambling but im in a much better mood after a very long
And trying week
Hard to really describe but the kind of guy you would walk past on the street...well most would... you might not :)
The reality is I could have walked by this man and never seen him again. Now I hope to see him again next Thursday. I insisted I would try my best to be there for him. That’s all I can really give most anyone… my time and attention. I can’t change his life I can’t take away the pain he seemed to be in…but for a moment he smiled…and even though his teeth were dingy it was the prettiest smile I have seen in years…because it was pure joy. Someone had shown me dignity and taken the time to talk to me and me with him. The generation gap between us had left.
I may never see him again. I might see him Thursday. Doesn’t really matter only that I let the spirit of the moment settle in and change me for the better.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
EMBRACE
EMBRACE
It's a delicate dance
this romance
but it can end up with
something much sweeter than
just touching your lover's face.
To touch their hearts
and they allow you to stay.
THAT is the sweetest embrace.
It's a delicate dance
this romance
but it can end up with
something much sweeter than
just touching your lover's face.
To touch their hearts
and they allow you to stay.
THAT is the sweetest embrace.
A Tearful End to Summer
I believe this was written last year like exactly a year ago...enjoy
A Tearful End to Summer
As Summer Ends I get even more reflective
Like a young mother rushing to send her kids off
To catch the fast approaching school bus
Or gently holding hands with the scared little
Child on the very first day of school
Sharply dressed with the latest fashions of the day
Never to forget the hippest of accessories as well
Praying my little girl can make it on her own
It can be so very cruel sometimes
Never counting on the tears the parents shed
When they are back home alone
Some months seem to go by like fast forward
September always has been that way for me
The end of summer brings a serious chill all around
Not just in the air but of the hearts and minds as well.
Morning frosts soon will come
More and more people begin to bundle up
Not just their clothing but their openness and emotions too.
Like the seasons change, people change with the passage of time
I’m feeling older yet immature and in the way
More and more with each passing day
Seriously jaded and slightly cynical
Less brilliant than the bright eyed school boy
I do so vividly remember from my past
The one that would come running home from school
Only to dart back out to catch the very last of the sun’s rays
A setting sun reminding me that the days will get shorter yet again
Will this summer love pass the test of time?
Changing leaves making me consider
the possible change of feelings I turn and face
an unexpected and uncertain future with greater frailty
The hardy fall mums beginning to bloom
And the healthy lawns of summer soon to be covered
Yet again with gently falling leaves, pine straw and cones
Oh autumn, why do you return with such a harshness today
Almost more painful in your subtle ways
Not quite as dramatic as your sister season
Who seems to arrive like unexpected company
Bringing the onslaught of gray snow banks and sloppy streets.
You seem to end with the magic of subtle snowflakes
But you come to take away the brightest of our days
The changing climates seem to have a bitter affect.
Hardening all of us as we come of age
We grow to understand that our time is far from limitless
We make new school friends and utter promises
To the boys of summer we hope to meet once again
Sending notes to long ago and far away acquaintances
As I realize more and more what could have been
Had I shared my life and spent my time more wisely
Oh September, you can be so painfully cruel
With the wisdom of an old sage you bring to us
Each and every fall as summer comes to a tearful end
A Tearful End to Summer
As Summer Ends I get even more reflective
Like a young mother rushing to send her kids off
To catch the fast approaching school bus
Or gently holding hands with the scared little
Child on the very first day of school
Sharply dressed with the latest fashions of the day
Never to forget the hippest of accessories as well
Praying my little girl can make it on her own
It can be so very cruel sometimes
Never counting on the tears the parents shed
When they are back home alone
Some months seem to go by like fast forward
September always has been that way for me
The end of summer brings a serious chill all around
Not just in the air but of the hearts and minds as well.
Morning frosts soon will come
More and more people begin to bundle up
Not just their clothing but their openness and emotions too.
Like the seasons change, people change with the passage of time
I’m feeling older yet immature and in the way
More and more with each passing day
Seriously jaded and slightly cynical
Less brilliant than the bright eyed school boy
I do so vividly remember from my past
The one that would come running home from school
Only to dart back out to catch the very last of the sun’s rays
A setting sun reminding me that the days will get shorter yet again
Will this summer love pass the test of time?
Changing leaves making me consider
the possible change of feelings I turn and face
an unexpected and uncertain future with greater frailty
The hardy fall mums beginning to bloom
And the healthy lawns of summer soon to be covered
Yet again with gently falling leaves, pine straw and cones
Oh autumn, why do you return with such a harshness today
Almost more painful in your subtle ways
Not quite as dramatic as your sister season
Who seems to arrive like unexpected company
Bringing the onslaught of gray snow banks and sloppy streets.
You seem to end with the magic of subtle snowflakes
But you come to take away the brightest of our days
The changing climates seem to have a bitter affect.
Hardening all of us as we come of age
We grow to understand that our time is far from limitless
We make new school friends and utter promises
To the boys of summer we hope to meet once again
Sending notes to long ago and far away acquaintances
As I realize more and more what could have been
Had I shared my life and spent my time more wisely
Oh September, you can be so painfully cruel
With the wisdom of an old sage you bring to us
Each and every fall as summer comes to a tearful end
Friday, October 8, 2010
It’s Never Easy
It’s Never Easy
It’s never easy when you have to share your affections
With someone out there that can’t give you their all
It’s never easy when you have to share your attention
With someone whose sole aim is to parent and provide
Life has given us new technology. Feeble attempts to reconnect
Only to have me listening on the cellie as we constantly complain
Traffic talk. I get to hear all the angry moments of your life
Crying out in Congestion that no one does what we expect at all
It s never easy when the bills and the babies come between us
It’s never easy when you’re travelling for work out of town
It’s never easy to love someone that you can’t just lay down next to
Cuddle up and snuggle and feel their hand upon your thigh
The loving touch of someone that you care way too much about
To ever just stop and let them just walk right out of your life
It’s never easy when you see the beauty of this world around you
Knowing there is only so much you can ever have and hold tonight
It’s never easy when you love someone with all this passion
So much left unsaid when the love slowly seems to subside
Copyright 2010 (written October 8, 2010 10am)
It’s never easy when you have to share your affections
With someone out there that can’t give you their all
It’s never easy when you have to share your attention
With someone whose sole aim is to parent and provide
Life has given us new technology. Feeble attempts to reconnect
Only to have me listening on the cellie as we constantly complain
Traffic talk. I get to hear all the angry moments of your life
Crying out in Congestion that no one does what we expect at all
It s never easy when the bills and the babies come between us
It’s never easy when you’re travelling for work out of town
It’s never easy to love someone that you can’t just lay down next to
Cuddle up and snuggle and feel their hand upon your thigh
The loving touch of someone that you care way too much about
To ever just stop and let them just walk right out of your life
It’s never easy when you see the beauty of this world around you
Knowing there is only so much you can ever have and hold tonight
It’s never easy when you love someone with all this passion
So much left unsaid when the love slowly seems to subside
Copyright 2010 (written October 8, 2010 10am)
Thursday, October 7, 2010
15 x 40 .... continued
Seven through Fifteen (part 2 of 15 x 40 --- my commitment to change)
Number 7 Become more Engaged in things
I am very good at reaching out online…for some reason I process written words better than oral conversations. I tend to get more details and maybe it’s the simple fact I can go back and process them again if I need to reread…so how can I be more engaged with people that think and live in an opposite fashion?
Well first off I need to accept that about them and find a common ground. My girlfriend and I have huge communications issues in this area and I think I resent that she can do what I can not… as well as allowing it to be a barrier to understanding each other. Not a good or healthy habit.
Being a friend to men… I don’t do it. Maybe it’s because I find women more open and engaging emotionally as well as that added flair for drama... I know it’s an ego boost and it plays into my codependent and pedestal building aspects of my heart….
Men will call me on my shit just as easily as women but I think there will be a better pay off if I just play nice with the girls …so stupid… where are my values commitments and motivations placed? Yeah it’s not exactly THIS cut and dry but its bad enough I need to call myself out here.
Number 8 Find my Family
This past summer has been VERY difficult for vacations. MY 20th class reunion as well as an extended family reunion… both of which required long distance travel with the family of my making here in Massachusetts coming along for the ride… WHEW!
I’m the youngest child in my own family and the youngest grandchild in my dad’s. I have cousins that remember me at 3 years old when my grandparents died or not much older… to try to reconnect now years later has been difficult…and THANK GOD for facebook that we are even willing to try again…
My nieces and nephews are all in Georgia or Indiana. I get to see them at most 10 days a year and some probably 10 days in their lifetime. How pathetically sad. I try my best to keep in touch but I’m horrible about birthday cards and phone calls. I message the older ones now on facebook and I’m trying to be the uncle I never was… can’t change the past but I know the damage is done and I regret it.
Asking for help. My family hasn’t come to see me here in Massachusetts in close to a decades time and im rather resentful. I’ve been through a lot of upheaval in my personal life and I know that’s part of it but I need them to come see me and I struggle to say that.
Number 9 Find my Friends
Be a friend. Period. I don’t call often. I text a lot. I’m not making many meetings so I don’t see my friends often. I’m not a big get together planner and I moved 45 minutes away from most of my friends 2 years ago and I have yet to recover from it. Finding a new home group, local sponsor or new friends..while holding on to the old and trusted ones I do have. I need to reach out and I’m getting scared of my own shadow lately.
I need to reconnect with my North Attleboro friends, my Marietta friends now after my reunion….and I need to make new ones… workout partners… people that like to go to games…red sox, bruins etc…concert going friends… I need to get out of the house…way from the computer and the TV… its not enough to watch college football texting a friend about it when I could be sitting at a sports bar sharing some wings and high fives.
I can’t even remember the last time I did something as simple as that.
Number 10 Explore my Environment
I absolutely love to travel. I make a Mecca to a civil war site every year. A Few years back I went around Richmond and saw the monuments… a few times I have travelled down to Antietam, Fredericksburg and my fave is Gettysburg. It’s a peaceful retreat…something I have always been drawn towards.
My ex-wife’s family lives in Vermont and I miss going up north…especially in the fall to see the leaves and the winter…where I used to go snowmobiling. Lately it seems I’ve made more friends in the state of Maine and I hope to explore that area as well as reconnect with some friends in the Connecticut area and really see what is around here…
I want to visit friends in other cities…and my family more… finds out what in this world makes me come alive… Boston did years ago. I love the almost European feel and the vibrant people and neighborhoods. I want to visit friends in NYC and relearn the state of Georgia in a long vacation…
We make plans to go to fright fest out in six flags or other Halloween plans. I need to break the mundane patterns and allow myself to have fun on a more frequent basis.
Number 11 Pushing my Limits
Stepping out of my comfort zone… HARD STEP for me… even this note is another continuing step to be more opened honest and raw with those that care to know me.
It’s easy to come on facebook and play Farmville… its easy for me to share or post a positive quote or send a funny joke or a meditation that inspires me…
But to get personal and maybe say
I want to go horse back riding again like I did as a child. I want to relearn to water ski or snow ski… I want to learn to drive a stick shift car because I can’t remember how…
And not beat myself up for trying new things and struggling to learn…etc
Number 12 Face EVERYTHING and RECOVER!
This is all about f.e.a.r – do I f@#$ everything and run or face my fears and do the next right thing… pay my old bills; address my tax situation, my credit, my loans…
My retirement plan… do I address my teeth and my fear of dentists…
Do I address the fact that I haven’t been working the steps… all of which fall in line with my plan to change… I must not let myself get so OVERWHELEMED that I stop my inertia and stop completely! I have lately.
Number 13 Find my Calling / Find my Faith
I don’t particularly consider the job I do to be life changing or pay it forward type of job…I’m one of those people that wants to feel like I am making a difference…
But I’m always afraid to be right on the front lines in life…
AA allows me a healthy and comfortable place to be of service. I must get more involved. But even beyond that how can I reach out.
I’ve had a lot of thoughts of kids lately… maybe being a little league coach or referee for leagues would be a fun and healthy outlet... I am not sure I could handle it though.
I’ve considered going back to school to become a counselor of some sort. Drug addiction or some sort of certification where I could work or stay in a halfway house as an overnight help or help to run meetings or drive people to meetings… something more encouraging and rewarding. I’m less scared to do something like that but I am scared to make it a full time career.
My job might soon be changing and I am apprehensive about it… I’m keeping one eye open on other jobs both in Boston as well as Atlanta.
I need to get back to church. I am going to try a group called Celebrate recovery at a local church and see if I can make some connections there… else I will go visit with my friend Paul who plays guitar at a church – I need a spiritual connection outside of just AA. I need to get back to reading my bible again. I’m reading passages online and finding a lot of support but I also need the fellowship of faith.
Number 14 LEAD BY EXAMPLE!
Am I being the best example to people younger than me? Am I a good pseudo step parent? Am I a loving and caring uncle? AM I losing my cool when things don’t go my way? Am I cursing more than I should? Do I treat those I love with respect?
Would I want kids to live the way I am?
Am I willing to sponsor and get more involved with those that ask for help?
Number 15 reclaim my self image
If at this point I don’t feel better about myself then I need to go back to the previous stuff!! My friend has pledged to make improvements by April 15, 2011. I too will be taking a “reassessment” on that date : )
And please I ask all that notice my progress to continue to tell me I’m doing well I need that reinforcement. Thanks for reading ALL THE WAY THROUGH
I hope you will join me in my journey.
Number 7 Become more Engaged in things
I am very good at reaching out online…for some reason I process written words better than oral conversations. I tend to get more details and maybe it’s the simple fact I can go back and process them again if I need to reread…so how can I be more engaged with people that think and live in an opposite fashion?
Well first off I need to accept that about them and find a common ground. My girlfriend and I have huge communications issues in this area and I think I resent that she can do what I can not… as well as allowing it to be a barrier to understanding each other. Not a good or healthy habit.
Being a friend to men… I don’t do it. Maybe it’s because I find women more open and engaging emotionally as well as that added flair for drama... I know it’s an ego boost and it plays into my codependent and pedestal building aspects of my heart….
Men will call me on my shit just as easily as women but I think there will be a better pay off if I just play nice with the girls …so stupid… where are my values commitments and motivations placed? Yeah it’s not exactly THIS cut and dry but its bad enough I need to call myself out here.
Number 8 Find my Family
This past summer has been VERY difficult for vacations. MY 20th class reunion as well as an extended family reunion… both of which required long distance travel with the family of my making here in Massachusetts coming along for the ride… WHEW!
I’m the youngest child in my own family and the youngest grandchild in my dad’s. I have cousins that remember me at 3 years old when my grandparents died or not much older… to try to reconnect now years later has been difficult…and THANK GOD for facebook that we are even willing to try again…
My nieces and nephews are all in Georgia or Indiana. I get to see them at most 10 days a year and some probably 10 days in their lifetime. How pathetically sad. I try my best to keep in touch but I’m horrible about birthday cards and phone calls. I message the older ones now on facebook and I’m trying to be the uncle I never was… can’t change the past but I know the damage is done and I regret it.
Asking for help. My family hasn’t come to see me here in Massachusetts in close to a decades time and im rather resentful. I’ve been through a lot of upheaval in my personal life and I know that’s part of it but I need them to come see me and I struggle to say that.
Number 9 Find my Friends
Be a friend. Period. I don’t call often. I text a lot. I’m not making many meetings so I don’t see my friends often. I’m not a big get together planner and I moved 45 minutes away from most of my friends 2 years ago and I have yet to recover from it. Finding a new home group, local sponsor or new friends..while holding on to the old and trusted ones I do have. I need to reach out and I’m getting scared of my own shadow lately.
I need to reconnect with my North Attleboro friends, my Marietta friends now after my reunion….and I need to make new ones… workout partners… people that like to go to games…red sox, bruins etc…concert going friends… I need to get out of the house…way from the computer and the TV… its not enough to watch college football texting a friend about it when I could be sitting at a sports bar sharing some wings and high fives.
I can’t even remember the last time I did something as simple as that.
Number 10 Explore my Environment
I absolutely love to travel. I make a Mecca to a civil war site every year. A Few years back I went around Richmond and saw the monuments… a few times I have travelled down to Antietam, Fredericksburg and my fave is Gettysburg. It’s a peaceful retreat…something I have always been drawn towards.
My ex-wife’s family lives in Vermont and I miss going up north…especially in the fall to see the leaves and the winter…where I used to go snowmobiling. Lately it seems I’ve made more friends in the state of Maine and I hope to explore that area as well as reconnect with some friends in the Connecticut area and really see what is around here…
I want to visit friends in other cities…and my family more… finds out what in this world makes me come alive… Boston did years ago. I love the almost European feel and the vibrant people and neighborhoods. I want to visit friends in NYC and relearn the state of Georgia in a long vacation…
We make plans to go to fright fest out in six flags or other Halloween plans. I need to break the mundane patterns and allow myself to have fun on a more frequent basis.
Number 11 Pushing my Limits
Stepping out of my comfort zone… HARD STEP for me… even this note is another continuing step to be more opened honest and raw with those that care to know me.
It’s easy to come on facebook and play Farmville… its easy for me to share or post a positive quote or send a funny joke or a meditation that inspires me…
But to get personal and maybe say
I want to go horse back riding again like I did as a child. I want to relearn to water ski or snow ski… I want to learn to drive a stick shift car because I can’t remember how…
And not beat myself up for trying new things and struggling to learn…etc
Number 12 Face EVERYTHING and RECOVER!
This is all about f.e.a.r – do I f@#$ everything and run or face my fears and do the next right thing… pay my old bills; address my tax situation, my credit, my loans…
My retirement plan… do I address my teeth and my fear of dentists…
Do I address the fact that I haven’t been working the steps… all of which fall in line with my plan to change… I must not let myself get so OVERWHELEMED that I stop my inertia and stop completely! I have lately.
Number 13 Find my Calling / Find my Faith
I don’t particularly consider the job I do to be life changing or pay it forward type of job…I’m one of those people that wants to feel like I am making a difference…
But I’m always afraid to be right on the front lines in life…
AA allows me a healthy and comfortable place to be of service. I must get more involved. But even beyond that how can I reach out.
I’ve had a lot of thoughts of kids lately… maybe being a little league coach or referee for leagues would be a fun and healthy outlet... I am not sure I could handle it though.
I’ve considered going back to school to become a counselor of some sort. Drug addiction or some sort of certification where I could work or stay in a halfway house as an overnight help or help to run meetings or drive people to meetings… something more encouraging and rewarding. I’m less scared to do something like that but I am scared to make it a full time career.
My job might soon be changing and I am apprehensive about it… I’m keeping one eye open on other jobs both in Boston as well as Atlanta.
I need to get back to church. I am going to try a group called Celebrate recovery at a local church and see if I can make some connections there… else I will go visit with my friend Paul who plays guitar at a church – I need a spiritual connection outside of just AA. I need to get back to reading my bible again. I’m reading passages online and finding a lot of support but I also need the fellowship of faith.
Number 14 LEAD BY EXAMPLE!
Am I being the best example to people younger than me? Am I a good pseudo step parent? Am I a loving and caring uncle? AM I losing my cool when things don’t go my way? Am I cursing more than I should? Do I treat those I love with respect?
Would I want kids to live the way I am?
Am I willing to sponsor and get more involved with those that ask for help?
Number 15 reclaim my self image
If at this point I don’t feel better about myself then I need to go back to the previous stuff!! My friend has pledged to make improvements by April 15, 2011. I too will be taking a “reassessment” on that date : )
And please I ask all that notice my progress to continue to tell me I’m doing well I need that reinforcement. Thanks for reading ALL THE WAY THROUGH
I hope you will join me in my journey.
Fifteen By Forty (15x 40 part one of challenging myself to change)
Fifteen By Forty (15x 40 part one of challenging myself to change)
So here it goes…. Carpe diem as they say… and well this is going to be a long winded note so go get your coffee and make sure the kids and cats and all are well fed or on their way to bed or whatever… ok here it goes…
I’m not happy and content today with my life as is and I’m struggling so hard to do even one thing each day to work towards fixing even one single aspect of it.
There…. I finally said it… and I admitted to other people… I’ve been depressed…and for quite a while... and I need your help to help me through some changes…
The past 6 months or so have really changed me… I see the world from a much different perspective now as I look on a horizon line that includes me turning 40 years old in January of 2012… maybe the world really is going to end in 2012…because I’m one of those that the Who spoke about “ I hope I die before I get old “
When I compare my generation to my parents I know I fall short but it’s really beyond ridiculous. At the age of 40 my dad was well entrenched in his career, one that he enjoyed and on his 4th different major city assignment with IBM. He had 4 kids, 2 cars in the garage and I’m sure a pretty hefty mortgage that I never heard him argue about…sure there was the occasional argument with my mother about her inability to balance a checkbook but my God it just seems so smooth in retrospect.
Around the age of 40 my mom was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. I heard some things or thought I did when the doctors talked to my dad and I know I basically wrote off that my mother wouldn’t get better…there was also a long episode of her dealing with a slipped disc in her back… traction and getting off pain meds… not fun time for 10 yr old little boy….
I say this to set up perspective… I finally saw the fragility of the human condition that things change at a moment’s notice and that even adults are somewhat powerless to change it and struggle to protect or shadow even the most fragile of children from what I now lovingly refer to as the “harsh realities of life”
So what about today? What bout my life you say…. Well I’m now 15 months from turning 40… I haven’t been taking good care of myself and I have fallen into one of the deepest ruts I’ve been in quite a while. My reunion coming and going has really done a number on my spirits and has been like a slap across my face as to how I have been living my life.
I’ve been able to maintain a substance free lifestyle for over16 years now… to some they would call it sober. to others they call it clean…well I’m not so sure that every act or detail or thought process I have gone through has been of sane and sober mind… I still “act out” and I have used people places and things to ease my pain along the way… some with extremely detrimental consequences to myself and those I love.
With that being said I know I can stay away from alcohol and other forms of addiction. I know that with loving support and steadfast determination and a right relationship with the God of my understanding that I can feel empowered and even strengthened on a daily basis by my ability to do an about face and learn to live a different way of life.
I am seeing the need to do that in my personal life today… where do I start?
Well I think I need to remind myself of the basics… things that in time of great depression or great stress that I often have to remind myself of…. And make them a habit again. Early in my recovery I was told to act as if… and mirror my behavior in reverse… meaning if I was ever willing to drive 2 hours out of my way for a party full of booze and babes then I was going to have to be willing to drive 2 hours out of my way for a meeting full of men… and listen and learn… and so I did…and I have…and I will..
Because the benefits of meetings, fellowship and camaraderie have helped me to overcome my self centered fears and my addictions…
So what habits can I address today? Well I haven’t been eating right. When I get depressed or feel guilty or want to punish myself I often times stop eating. I don’t cook I don’t clean the kitchen. I get a really nervous stomach when stressed and it often times will upset it for days so I have learned to eat small meals or hardly anything at all… not good. Today I stopped for a donut… now before you get on me about it… this is actually a small good step… as I more times than not don’t even eat before 1pm and often times not till 5pm at night. Not good… not good at all and I wonder why im tired run down and depressed?
So ok well I’m running on here but I think you can begin to see where my issues stem and I have to make lists and make goals for myself…
Here it goes…15 steps to change by the age of 40…..
Number 1 Admittance and Acceptance
Monday night I will be going back to my therapist to address my lingering depression… the fact that for nearly a month now I have had more days where I cry then not…
That as a man diagnosed with Bipolar and A.D.D. that I might possibly need medication to regulate my moods and my sleep pattern as I have hardly slept a solid nights sleep in 6 weeks now.
I have to accept the realities of my chemical imbalance that the stresses I have added have only aggravated my condition.
Number 2 Exercise More
This past summer I began kayaking on the lakes around where I live and absolutely LOVE it…but my struggle from October till April around here is to get more exercise and not fall into lethargic habits. My sponsor runs a spin gym in Rhode Island and I am bound and determined to make it over there and see him… good healthy exercise for the winter months as well as a way to reconnect with him personally or help his business… I also am determined to start running. So many of my friends and fellow classmates have shared there enthusiasm for the sport and benefits…how can I not try?
Basketball, baseball, swimming, kayaking… running and volleyball... I need to go and do more… push my physical limits… so I’m going to join the Y as soon as I can afford to do so.
Number 3 Eating Right
This one is huge… bigger than I let on. See when I did run around and exercise as a kid… I would FORGET to stop and eat. I would be so wound up that I wouldn’t eat but half a sandwich and I would drink a lot… now I do the same thing I just get wound up emotionally over people places and things and I wont eat because my stomachs in knots. I have to start planning meals so im not eating out and eating just processed foods I love to cook as long as im not exhausted and it gets too late for a big meal and the place isn’t a mess so I have to spend an hour cleaning before I even begin to cook I promise myself and those around me I will work on this.
Number 4 Addressing my Past
I’m still a married man. Saturday will be my 11th wedding anniversary and nearly half that time I have been separated from my wife. We went through so much together and I continued to help provide for her medical care up until this year. I have kept her hostage out guilt and this need to try to make it right rather than have it sitting in my face as an ultimate sense of failure. We are loving and caring now as friends, with a lot of water under the bridge there and I need to get more at peace with that. I owe it to myself, and those around me to address it.
PEDESTALS – I saw a few girls I built pretty high pedestals for over my reunion weekend and the reality that I still do that same damn thing really hit me hard… I’m really struggling with it and have been crying nearly every day about my immaturity over all of them.
I’ll never be able to let go or live without… FILL IN THE BLANK.
For those few that have known me for several years, decades, whatever you know I am an emotional animal and intense and codependent and just horrible when it comes to love and affection. I always fall for someone just out of reach and I’m a complete menace to other relationships. I’m not too proud. Just stating a fact that I felt like all I deserved to be and all I ever would be is second fiddle or a side dish. I know better but sometimes I do things to reinforce my own self image of being a loveable loser… I’m not proud of it.
and I don’t know EXACTLY how to make amends for all of it, other than to leave things alone that are better left alone… maybe some day I will have the ability to come to peace with some like I have my (ex) wife…who knows…for today, I give that all up to God to sort out and get the hell out of the way personally.
Number 5 Adopt healthier habits
Hang with the winners as they say… meeting makers make it…so why am I reluctant to try new meetings, become a full time sponsor, hang with more men… my habits have to be of support …for myself… so that I don’t feel all alone and able to fall into depressions like I have. I text. I go online to recovery sites but I am struggling to get back into the halls, or pick up the phone and reach out... I need support with this!
Eat right and exercise more fall right in line…but making sure I have left overs packed for taking my lunch to work to save money… having clothes ready .. Knowing where my keys, wallet and shoes are… etc… being prepared even for upcoming weekend plans...etc.
Number 6 Love with an Open Hand“Hold on loosely” great song lyric and exactly how I need to be... I get possessive, obsessive jealous, insecure and emotional over anyone I fall for…or I begin to get settle and scared it will fall apart like in my past… I start looking for warning signs or exit signs… instead of sitting at the table and ironing it out… I’ll work on it…with everyone
Family friends and anyone new I meet.
To be continued…
So here it goes…. Carpe diem as they say… and well this is going to be a long winded note so go get your coffee and make sure the kids and cats and all are well fed or on their way to bed or whatever… ok here it goes…
I’m not happy and content today with my life as is and I’m struggling so hard to do even one thing each day to work towards fixing even one single aspect of it.
There…. I finally said it… and I admitted to other people… I’ve been depressed…and for quite a while... and I need your help to help me through some changes…
The past 6 months or so have really changed me… I see the world from a much different perspective now as I look on a horizon line that includes me turning 40 years old in January of 2012… maybe the world really is going to end in 2012…because I’m one of those that the Who spoke about “ I hope I die before I get old “
When I compare my generation to my parents I know I fall short but it’s really beyond ridiculous. At the age of 40 my dad was well entrenched in his career, one that he enjoyed and on his 4th different major city assignment with IBM. He had 4 kids, 2 cars in the garage and I’m sure a pretty hefty mortgage that I never heard him argue about…sure there was the occasional argument with my mother about her inability to balance a checkbook but my God it just seems so smooth in retrospect.
Around the age of 40 my mom was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. I heard some things or thought I did when the doctors talked to my dad and I know I basically wrote off that my mother wouldn’t get better…there was also a long episode of her dealing with a slipped disc in her back… traction and getting off pain meds… not fun time for 10 yr old little boy….
I say this to set up perspective… I finally saw the fragility of the human condition that things change at a moment’s notice and that even adults are somewhat powerless to change it and struggle to protect or shadow even the most fragile of children from what I now lovingly refer to as the “harsh realities of life”
So what about today? What bout my life you say…. Well I’m now 15 months from turning 40… I haven’t been taking good care of myself and I have fallen into one of the deepest ruts I’ve been in quite a while. My reunion coming and going has really done a number on my spirits and has been like a slap across my face as to how I have been living my life.
I’ve been able to maintain a substance free lifestyle for over16 years now… to some they would call it sober. to others they call it clean…well I’m not so sure that every act or detail or thought process I have gone through has been of sane and sober mind… I still “act out” and I have used people places and things to ease my pain along the way… some with extremely detrimental consequences to myself and those I love.
With that being said I know I can stay away from alcohol and other forms of addiction. I know that with loving support and steadfast determination and a right relationship with the God of my understanding that I can feel empowered and even strengthened on a daily basis by my ability to do an about face and learn to live a different way of life.
I am seeing the need to do that in my personal life today… where do I start?
Well I think I need to remind myself of the basics… things that in time of great depression or great stress that I often have to remind myself of…. And make them a habit again. Early in my recovery I was told to act as if… and mirror my behavior in reverse… meaning if I was ever willing to drive 2 hours out of my way for a party full of booze and babes then I was going to have to be willing to drive 2 hours out of my way for a meeting full of men… and listen and learn… and so I did…and I have…and I will..
Because the benefits of meetings, fellowship and camaraderie have helped me to overcome my self centered fears and my addictions…
So what habits can I address today? Well I haven’t been eating right. When I get depressed or feel guilty or want to punish myself I often times stop eating. I don’t cook I don’t clean the kitchen. I get a really nervous stomach when stressed and it often times will upset it for days so I have learned to eat small meals or hardly anything at all… not good. Today I stopped for a donut… now before you get on me about it… this is actually a small good step… as I more times than not don’t even eat before 1pm and often times not till 5pm at night. Not good… not good at all and I wonder why im tired run down and depressed?
So ok well I’m running on here but I think you can begin to see where my issues stem and I have to make lists and make goals for myself…
Here it goes…15 steps to change by the age of 40…..
Number 1 Admittance and Acceptance
Monday night I will be going back to my therapist to address my lingering depression… the fact that for nearly a month now I have had more days where I cry then not…
That as a man diagnosed with Bipolar and A.D.D. that I might possibly need medication to regulate my moods and my sleep pattern as I have hardly slept a solid nights sleep in 6 weeks now.
I have to accept the realities of my chemical imbalance that the stresses I have added have only aggravated my condition.
Number 2 Exercise More
This past summer I began kayaking on the lakes around where I live and absolutely LOVE it…but my struggle from October till April around here is to get more exercise and not fall into lethargic habits. My sponsor runs a spin gym in Rhode Island and I am bound and determined to make it over there and see him… good healthy exercise for the winter months as well as a way to reconnect with him personally or help his business… I also am determined to start running. So many of my friends and fellow classmates have shared there enthusiasm for the sport and benefits…how can I not try?
Basketball, baseball, swimming, kayaking… running and volleyball... I need to go and do more… push my physical limits… so I’m going to join the Y as soon as I can afford to do so.
Number 3 Eating Right
This one is huge… bigger than I let on. See when I did run around and exercise as a kid… I would FORGET to stop and eat. I would be so wound up that I wouldn’t eat but half a sandwich and I would drink a lot… now I do the same thing I just get wound up emotionally over people places and things and I wont eat because my stomachs in knots. I have to start planning meals so im not eating out and eating just processed foods I love to cook as long as im not exhausted and it gets too late for a big meal and the place isn’t a mess so I have to spend an hour cleaning before I even begin to cook I promise myself and those around me I will work on this.
Number 4 Addressing my Past
I’m still a married man. Saturday will be my 11th wedding anniversary and nearly half that time I have been separated from my wife. We went through so much together and I continued to help provide for her medical care up until this year. I have kept her hostage out guilt and this need to try to make it right rather than have it sitting in my face as an ultimate sense of failure. We are loving and caring now as friends, with a lot of water under the bridge there and I need to get more at peace with that. I owe it to myself, and those around me to address it.
PEDESTALS – I saw a few girls I built pretty high pedestals for over my reunion weekend and the reality that I still do that same damn thing really hit me hard… I’m really struggling with it and have been crying nearly every day about my immaturity over all of them.
I’ll never be able to let go or live without… FILL IN THE BLANK.
For those few that have known me for several years, decades, whatever you know I am an emotional animal and intense and codependent and just horrible when it comes to love and affection. I always fall for someone just out of reach and I’m a complete menace to other relationships. I’m not too proud. Just stating a fact that I felt like all I deserved to be and all I ever would be is second fiddle or a side dish. I know better but sometimes I do things to reinforce my own self image of being a loveable loser… I’m not proud of it.
and I don’t know EXACTLY how to make amends for all of it, other than to leave things alone that are better left alone… maybe some day I will have the ability to come to peace with some like I have my (ex) wife…who knows…for today, I give that all up to God to sort out and get the hell out of the way personally.
Number 5 Adopt healthier habits
Hang with the winners as they say… meeting makers make it…so why am I reluctant to try new meetings, become a full time sponsor, hang with more men… my habits have to be of support …for myself… so that I don’t feel all alone and able to fall into depressions like I have. I text. I go online to recovery sites but I am struggling to get back into the halls, or pick up the phone and reach out... I need support with this!
Eat right and exercise more fall right in line…but making sure I have left overs packed for taking my lunch to work to save money… having clothes ready .. Knowing where my keys, wallet and shoes are… etc… being prepared even for upcoming weekend plans...etc.
Number 6 Love with an Open Hand“Hold on loosely” great song lyric and exactly how I need to be... I get possessive, obsessive jealous, insecure and emotional over anyone I fall for…or I begin to get settle and scared it will fall apart like in my past… I start looking for warning signs or exit signs… instead of sitting at the table and ironing it out… I’ll work on it…with everyone
Family friends and anyone new I meet.
To be continued…
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Just Friends
Just friends
I said to you that were just friends
But there you go once again
Telling me things I might feel
But I can’t believe it’s oh so real
You see I know I’m not the only one
That’s ever heard those words from you
And you know you’re not the only one
In my life that says sweet things too
I said to you that were just friends
Yet you won’t ever seem to let it end
That this could be something so much more
Like heaven knocking on our door
But I have had my heart broke before
By men who pledged there life to me
Only to watch them walk away slowly
To seek comfort in Sirens of the sea
I said to you that were just friends
And there you say love once again
You can’t seem to just let this end
I need you to just listen to me once
I say once again that were just friends
What exactly do you expect from me
My child is my life until the end
And has a good man at home you see
Why do you have to be more than friendly
I never said that friendship would end
Only that I would never leave him
I’m just scared this could end so badly
I said to you that were just friends
But there you go once again
Telling me things I might feel
But I can’t believe it’s oh so real
You see I know I’m not the only one
That’s ever heard those words from you
And you know you’re not the only one
In my life that says sweet things too
I said to you that were just friends
Yet you won’t ever seem to let it end
That this could be something so much more
Like heaven knocking on our door
But I have had my heart broke before
By men who pledged there life to me
Only to watch them walk away slowly
To seek comfort in Sirens of the sea
I said to you that were just friends
And there you say love once again
You can’t seem to just let this end
I need you to just listen to me once
I say once again that were just friends
What exactly do you expect from me
My child is my life until the end
And has a good man at home you see
Why do you have to be more than friendly
I never said that friendship would end
Only that I would never leave him
I’m just scared this could end so badly
More Than Friendly
More than Friendly
I guess that was more than friendly
The words I just let out to you
But I’m not saying sorry for that
And I no longer say the word love too
You see sorry I said way too much
No one is willing to believe me anymore
That I might have some guilt and remorse
For the ugly words and the deeds now done
You see I said I love you when I needed to
Get someone off my back or in the sack
I said I love you when still wasn’t so sure
You felt that way about me too, didn’t you?
I guess I was more than friendly
You said you needed someone just to listen
Fed my ego that you would choose little ole me
But I am not such a good ear now you see
I listen with my heart and I watch with my soul
Wanting so desperately to help and to comfort you
I try to find solutions and to save the day too often
I just need to listen to you better than have before
So I guess I was more than friendly
When I told you that I love you one last time
I guess I was more than sorry when I said it
Those words I promised never to utter again
So I am sorry but I do love you
And I think this more than friendly
I may not know what love is just yet
But no longer do I say sorry for feeling…
That this friendship is just beginning
And possibly a love that’s never ending
So no longer sorry for my boldness
For I feel that I will always love you
I guess that was more than friendly
The words I just let out to you
But I’m not saying sorry for that
And I no longer say the word love too
You see sorry I said way too much
No one is willing to believe me anymore
That I might have some guilt and remorse
For the ugly words and the deeds now done
You see I said I love you when I needed to
Get someone off my back or in the sack
I said I love you when still wasn’t so sure
You felt that way about me too, didn’t you?
I guess I was more than friendly
You said you needed someone just to listen
Fed my ego that you would choose little ole me
But I am not such a good ear now you see
I listen with my heart and I watch with my soul
Wanting so desperately to help and to comfort you
I try to find solutions and to save the day too often
I just need to listen to you better than have before
So I guess I was more than friendly
When I told you that I love you one last time
I guess I was more than sorry when I said it
Those words I promised never to utter again
So I am sorry but I do love you
And I think this more than friendly
I may not know what love is just yet
But no longer do I say sorry for feeling…
That this friendship is just beginning
And possibly a love that’s never ending
So no longer sorry for my boldness
For I feel that I will always love you
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Don't Cling
Don’t Cling
I tend to hold on to things… sentimental and/or resentfully so.
I want “to have and to hold”…but not TOO TIGHT…
“hold on loosely. But don’t let go.
If you cling to tightly you’re gonna lose it.. lose control”
Gentle like a flower or little bird. Treat me right and love me always…
Even when I am not in sight, I want to know I am on your mind sometimes.
You can go out with friends, but spend some nights with me too.
I want to share a quiet night at home and one out on the town every so often.
Getting comfy with you in sweats or occasionally dressed up for a night
Television, movies, concerts and dancing, game nights or out in the city
Entertaining guests or family and thoughts of children someday soon
I tend to cling to those that bring me joy. I will try my hardest not to strangle “us.”
Room to breathe and an effort to let go… that is what we all need sometimes
In fact accepting others and my own limitations is my challenge of the day.
I tend to hold on to things… sentimental and/or resentfully so.
I want “to have and to hold”…but not TOO TIGHT…
“hold on loosely. But don’t let go.
If you cling to tightly you’re gonna lose it.. lose control”
Gentle like a flower or little bird. Treat me right and love me always…
Even when I am not in sight, I want to know I am on your mind sometimes.
You can go out with friends, but spend some nights with me too.
I want to share a quiet night at home and one out on the town every so often.
Getting comfy with you in sweats or occasionally dressed up for a night
Television, movies, concerts and dancing, game nights or out in the city
Entertaining guests or family and thoughts of children someday soon
I tend to cling to those that bring me joy. I will try my hardest not to strangle “us.”
Room to breathe and an effort to let go… that is what we all need sometimes
In fact accepting others and my own limitations is my challenge of the day.
Do You Even Know?
Do You Even Know?
Do you even know?
How much you mean to me
At times it gets overwhelming
How close I feel to you inside
How fast we have become best friends
How much we have already gone through
How easily we can hurt each others heart
How much more of you I want to learn
Do you even know?
How grateful I am that you are in my life
Do you even know?
How I love to see a sign of life from you
The ringing of the phone
The little message bar that says I have mail
It’s so silly I know
But it all makes me smile inside
Do you even know?
That I wish I could spend
As much time holding you
As I do searching for the words
Do you even know?
That words can't really reach the true meaning
Of how you make me feel inside
Do you even know?
How hard it is for me
To know I am falling faster than I have
How frustrating it is for me
To know I must catch myself constantly
Do you even know?
How much I have grown fond of you
Do you even know?
How sad I am on days we don’t connect
Do you even know?
How much hearing your voice can carry me
Until the end of my day
Until we speak again
I hope you do know
I hope you feel it too
I can't force it inside you
I can't even wish it to be true
I think you know what I mean
I just wanted you to know for sure
Do you even know?
How much you mean to me
At times it gets overwhelming
How close I feel to you inside
How fast we have become best friends
How much we have already gone through
How easily we can hurt each others heart
How much more of you I want to learn
Do you even know?
How grateful I am that you are in my life
Do you even know?
How I love to see a sign of life from you
The ringing of the phone
The little message bar that says I have mail
It’s so silly I know
But it all makes me smile inside
Do you even know?
That I wish I could spend
As much time holding you
As I do searching for the words
Do you even know?
That words can't really reach the true meaning
Of how you make me feel inside
Do you even know?
How hard it is for me
To know I am falling faster than I have
How frustrating it is for me
To know I must catch myself constantly
Do you even know?
How much I have grown fond of you
Do you even know?
How sad I am on days we don’t connect
Do you even know?
How much hearing your voice can carry me
Until the end of my day
Until we speak again
I hope you do know
I hope you feel it too
I can't force it inside you
I can't even wish it to be true
I think you know what I mean
I just wanted you to know for sure
For You Alone
I wrote this several years ago. I'm cleaning out my old files on my computer as we are moving offices here at work and I have a fear of losing some of my favorite poetry i have stored on here... in the process of converting them over to my personal emails and files...but in the mean time I have decided in these few days left in October to share some of my better works or ones that still resonate with me personally...Enjoy!
This one is about a girl I liked that kept asking me of the poems i shared were always about her personally....and I'm not so sure she liked my reply as often times I have one or 2 or 3 people, places or experiences on my mind that i try to blend in ... seems no one person can live up to that ideal muse i have in my heart...
some try endlessly while others don't even bother...
the reality is i've always been a bit afraid to make something so bitterly personal...and i've found that in my blending i get a far more pretty and perfect looking poem... and yes i know... i just over explained. :)
Enjoy!
FOR YOU ALONE
Are these Words for me?
Who is this about?
Tell me the story behind it
What exactly were you thinking?
These words you share so beautifully
Express myself in the written form
Wishing it could be so much
More concrete, more tangible
Like the touch and the feel
Of your skin on my fingers
Gaining texture and depth
Thoughts that swirl in my soul
You ASK is this for me?
Of Course it is! Only you!
I want to share my life
Fully and completely
With open arms and open minds
No expectations day by day
So open up your heart
Let me in if you will
I will do the same for you
Make a nest to keep us
Safe and warm and comfortable
Come and I will hold you close
Let me swim in my desires
Come let me hold you
Cradling your beautiful body
Holding you always near my soul
Are these words for your Eyes?
No they are for you Heart!
These words are true and for real
Right now may seem only dreams
Every good builder needs a blueprint
Every aspiring poet has his muse
Every lover needs another
Every man needs a good woman
So this I give to you today
To keep now forever yours
This I pledge to you alone
Never ever will I run
Words - I do mean with all my heart
Expressions of a feeling now
An affirmation of a love that grows
Deep within my soul for you alone
This one is about a girl I liked that kept asking me of the poems i shared were always about her personally....and I'm not so sure she liked my reply as often times I have one or 2 or 3 people, places or experiences on my mind that i try to blend in ... seems no one person can live up to that ideal muse i have in my heart...
some try endlessly while others don't even bother...
the reality is i've always been a bit afraid to make something so bitterly personal...and i've found that in my blending i get a far more pretty and perfect looking poem... and yes i know... i just over explained. :)
Enjoy!
FOR YOU ALONE
Are these Words for me?
Who is this about?
Tell me the story behind it
What exactly were you thinking?
These words you share so beautifully
Express myself in the written form
Wishing it could be so much
More concrete, more tangible
Like the touch and the feel
Of your skin on my fingers
Gaining texture and depth
Thoughts that swirl in my soul
You ASK is this for me?
Of Course it is! Only you!
I want to share my life
Fully and completely
With open arms and open minds
No expectations day by day
So open up your heart
Let me in if you will
I will do the same for you
Make a nest to keep us
Safe and warm and comfortable
Come and I will hold you close
Let me swim in my desires
Come let me hold you
Cradling your beautiful body
Holding you always near my soul
Are these words for your Eyes?
No they are for you Heart!
These words are true and for real
Right now may seem only dreams
Every good builder needs a blueprint
Every aspiring poet has his muse
Every lover needs another
Every man needs a good woman
So this I give to you today
To keep now forever yours
This I pledge to you alone
Never ever will I run
Words - I do mean with all my heart
Expressions of a feeling now
An affirmation of a love that grows
Deep within my soul for you alone
Friday, October 1, 2010
confessions of a teenage wallflower @ 20th reunion
I’ve been OVERWHELMED -- confessions of a teenage wallflower….
Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover...Mark Twain
Well, I don’t even know how to start this other than to start with this past weekend… it was my 20th high school reunion… (Thank you Todd and Tisha and Paula AGAIN
For your efforts for such a memorable evening)
I was overwhelmed from the get go about whether I should even go! I wasn’t a popular guy and I certainly didn’t put myself out there in school… I never went on a single date while I was at Walton. This is the best way I can describe it to people… I played rec. league sports… people knew me because my dad was always the coach. I tried out for school teams but would last the first round of cuts for basketball but never make the team. I was friends with the jocks but not on the team. I played violin in middle school so I knew the marching band geeks but wasn’t one of them either. My older sister had been a cheerleader but had graduated before I started freshman year so I knew some cheerleaders but wasn’t like they knew me.
I was on the math team and chess club…that was more my style but I was never the smartest or best player…always felt like the bottom rung of whatever scene I tried to fit into and basically tried to be a jack of all trades and master of none.
I don’t think people were overly MEANSPIRITED to me personally. Sure I had braces and I have a big nose… I know I heard the phrase “yentyl” used in the lunchroom about me but whatever… I mean we all went through something right?
East cobb has a reputation of being kind of a trophy wife, snobby, pretentious and aristocratic type of area… hell some even take pride in it… for me… my parents weren’t the richest ones… my parents came from farm land and Midwest values…
We had ENOUGH and as the last of 4 I knew better than to expect a new car at 16 or upon graduation… my first car was one that I bought off my dad…I was the 6th driver of it in my family I think…and funny the Engine seized on that too!! (Like my van)
So anyway you can see that I felt ok about myself but I never let on that I never felt all that good about not fitting in and being shy and quiet and a wallflower didn’t help matters… people were nice and polite but I didn’t let anyone in too deep…
By the time of our senior year I was dealing with some suicidal issues… ones I never told anyone about… I drank nearly every day once I turned 18 or so
…and I learned to not let ANYONE see me…
My mom had been raised in an environment that I just knew there wouldn’t be open tolerance. Again I still struggle to this day to find a strong memory of our senior year…
So back to today…what has changed… well I think I was SCARED of the reunion…for a lot of reasons… I have used facebook to REACH OUT to people I didn’t get to know then…some have been awesome friends and developed into what they should have been all along…some have told me about their trials and tribulations since school and we have grown close… I’m very fond of those that have taken the time to let me know them….
I’ve taken the chance to try to express my heart – sharing the fact that I had 1000 crushes… and taking a second chance to say I regret not trying or not saying a word about it… sure I mighta been the creepy dude that didn’t know how to open up…
Hell I’ve lost friends in the past few years over how I have expressed how I felt then or how I feel lucky to have a second chance to get to know people again.
• If I’ve embarrassed anyone by saying this…
• well this is my confession and I’m not naming names here anyway *
So I had all this trouble getting down from Boston… my van died… I rented a car... I didn’t get the chance to see my family members like I wanted to do…and I had a fight with my mother before I even came down… not good stuff…bad karma for sure….
So Friday night I go to the football game…and I notice someone I want to say sorry too…someone there was drama over and I don’t know to say hi because well it would be disrespectful of current relationships… and I fall right back into being 15. Ignoring…avoiding and clamming up to the point of making myself sick.
So I felt HORRIBLE that avoided like 2 dozen of you at the game… I did the best I could and I will regret not saying or speaking up more…but it is what it is now…
The same things happened on Saturday. I have been sober now for 16 years… THANK GOD and I knew their would be an open bar and I know enough to take caution and prepare myself. I was a bit keyed up as the nerves of seeing everyone really had me on edge…
Another disclaimer: no judgments on the weekend’s festivities…again this is written about me and my reactions … in order for me to process and to share my life with you.
So I introduce my girlfriend to a few people …some she has come to know from their personality on facebook and the things I have shared of my past and who was really important to me back then and who I hope to run into …etc…
So we make our way around and eventually we settle on sitting off to the side, far away from the bar area… fine. I can deal with this. I know I will have to get up and mingle more but as I am just about comfy to do that people started working their way over to me…very cool…
It was a surreal night as I came to know people more in 10 minute conversations more than I did in 4 years of school together… and it hit me…I was again off in the corner being a wallflower…but I was doing the best I could… some people talked to me that I never knew…some stopped by and told me that my words of inspiration in facebook meant something to them…wow…what a trip! I’m spinning as the evening goes… I see people I want to talk to and some I make it to see and others stop and say hi…
One friend stops me by the food and smiles and just seems so excited to see me… im floored…wow this is great…. And I am polite and work my way back to my girlfriend with some food and make sure she’s ok.
Some of my good friends talk and get to know her and I think …ya she’s a wallflower too but she’s awesome and gets along great with my closest of friends… how lucky I am to have her in my life these days as it’s been a real struggle for me to give my heart completely after a failed marriage.
So anyway I could ramble on some more…but this is kind of the conclusion that HIT ME HARDEST this weekend
I've come to realize that I never really took the time to get to know people or for them to get to know me back in the day. High school was so overwhelming for me and the reunion really was difficult in that way but I wouldn’t miss it for the world...
If I didn’t say hi… I meant to…if I talked to you for 5 minutes I meant to talk to you for an hour…if I avoided you a bit because of drinking…that’s on me… I should been strong enough to talk to you but I did what I had to protect myself…
No judgments…
I’ve been in a funk lately over all of this… wanting to say hi here, and not talking enough or putting myself out there… with that being said ….
You all meant more to me then I ever let on…and you still mean the world…
You were part of my foundation in my life and I truly miss you all more than I ever tell you.
Thanks for a great weekend that has opened my eyes to a lot of goodness and grace in my life… truly thankful that I got to spend time with y’all.
♥♥♥ I truly love y’all ♥♥♥
Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover...Mark Twain
Well, I don’t even know how to start this other than to start with this past weekend… it was my 20th high school reunion… (Thank you Todd and Tisha and Paula AGAIN
For your efforts for such a memorable evening)
I was overwhelmed from the get go about whether I should even go! I wasn’t a popular guy and I certainly didn’t put myself out there in school… I never went on a single date while I was at Walton. This is the best way I can describe it to people… I played rec. league sports… people knew me because my dad was always the coach. I tried out for school teams but would last the first round of cuts for basketball but never make the team. I was friends with the jocks but not on the team. I played violin in middle school so I knew the marching band geeks but wasn’t one of them either. My older sister had been a cheerleader but had graduated before I started freshman year so I knew some cheerleaders but wasn’t like they knew me.
I was on the math team and chess club…that was more my style but I was never the smartest or best player…always felt like the bottom rung of whatever scene I tried to fit into and basically tried to be a jack of all trades and master of none.
I don’t think people were overly MEANSPIRITED to me personally. Sure I had braces and I have a big nose… I know I heard the phrase “yentyl” used in the lunchroom about me but whatever… I mean we all went through something right?
East cobb has a reputation of being kind of a trophy wife, snobby, pretentious and aristocratic type of area… hell some even take pride in it… for me… my parents weren’t the richest ones… my parents came from farm land and Midwest values…
We had ENOUGH and as the last of 4 I knew better than to expect a new car at 16 or upon graduation… my first car was one that I bought off my dad…I was the 6th driver of it in my family I think…and funny the Engine seized on that too!! (Like my van)
So anyway you can see that I felt ok about myself but I never let on that I never felt all that good about not fitting in and being shy and quiet and a wallflower didn’t help matters… people were nice and polite but I didn’t let anyone in too deep…
By the time of our senior year I was dealing with some suicidal issues… ones I never told anyone about… I drank nearly every day once I turned 18 or so
…and I learned to not let ANYONE see me…
My mom had been raised in an environment that I just knew there wouldn’t be open tolerance. Again I still struggle to this day to find a strong memory of our senior year…
So back to today…what has changed… well I think I was SCARED of the reunion…for a lot of reasons… I have used facebook to REACH OUT to people I didn’t get to know then…some have been awesome friends and developed into what they should have been all along…some have told me about their trials and tribulations since school and we have grown close… I’m very fond of those that have taken the time to let me know them….
I’ve taken the chance to try to express my heart – sharing the fact that I had 1000 crushes… and taking a second chance to say I regret not trying or not saying a word about it… sure I mighta been the creepy dude that didn’t know how to open up…
Hell I’ve lost friends in the past few years over how I have expressed how I felt then or how I feel lucky to have a second chance to get to know people again.
• If I’ve embarrassed anyone by saying this…
• well this is my confession and I’m not naming names here anyway *
So I had all this trouble getting down from Boston… my van died… I rented a car... I didn’t get the chance to see my family members like I wanted to do…and I had a fight with my mother before I even came down… not good stuff…bad karma for sure….
So Friday night I go to the football game…and I notice someone I want to say sorry too…someone there was drama over and I don’t know to say hi because well it would be disrespectful of current relationships… and I fall right back into being 15. Ignoring…avoiding and clamming up to the point of making myself sick.
So I felt HORRIBLE that avoided like 2 dozen of you at the game… I did the best I could and I will regret not saying or speaking up more…but it is what it is now…
The same things happened on Saturday. I have been sober now for 16 years… THANK GOD and I knew their would be an open bar and I know enough to take caution and prepare myself. I was a bit keyed up as the nerves of seeing everyone really had me on edge…
Another disclaimer: no judgments on the weekend’s festivities…again this is written about me and my reactions … in order for me to process and to share my life with you.
So I introduce my girlfriend to a few people …some she has come to know from their personality on facebook and the things I have shared of my past and who was really important to me back then and who I hope to run into …etc…
So we make our way around and eventually we settle on sitting off to the side, far away from the bar area… fine. I can deal with this. I know I will have to get up and mingle more but as I am just about comfy to do that people started working their way over to me…very cool…
It was a surreal night as I came to know people more in 10 minute conversations more than I did in 4 years of school together… and it hit me…I was again off in the corner being a wallflower…but I was doing the best I could… some people talked to me that I never knew…some stopped by and told me that my words of inspiration in facebook meant something to them…wow…what a trip! I’m spinning as the evening goes… I see people I want to talk to and some I make it to see and others stop and say hi…
One friend stops me by the food and smiles and just seems so excited to see me… im floored…wow this is great…. And I am polite and work my way back to my girlfriend with some food and make sure she’s ok.
Some of my good friends talk and get to know her and I think …ya she’s a wallflower too but she’s awesome and gets along great with my closest of friends… how lucky I am to have her in my life these days as it’s been a real struggle for me to give my heart completely after a failed marriage.
So anyway I could ramble on some more…but this is kind of the conclusion that HIT ME HARDEST this weekend
I've come to realize that I never really took the time to get to know people or for them to get to know me back in the day. High school was so overwhelming for me and the reunion really was difficult in that way but I wouldn’t miss it for the world...
If I didn’t say hi… I meant to…if I talked to you for 5 minutes I meant to talk to you for an hour…if I avoided you a bit because of drinking…that’s on me… I should been strong enough to talk to you but I did what I had to protect myself…
No judgments…
I’ve been in a funk lately over all of this… wanting to say hi here, and not talking enough or putting myself out there… with that being said ….
You all meant more to me then I ever let on…and you still mean the world…
You were part of my foundation in my life and I truly miss you all more than I ever tell you.
Thanks for a great weekend that has opened my eyes to a lot of goodness and grace in my life… truly thankful that I got to spend time with y’all.
♥♥♥ I truly love y’all ♥♥♥
Thursday, September 30, 2010
and if love remains...
My friend Brad Z. mentioned Rush playing in concert
and last night this song came to mind…
one of my favorites by them lyrically…
“and if love remains..” great lyric…enjoy : )
"Bravado" Rush
If we burn our wings
Flying too close to the sun
If the moment of glory
Is over before it's begun
If the dream is won
Though everything is lost
We will pay the price
But we will not count the cost
When the dust has cleared
And victory denied
A summit too lofty
River a little too wide
If we keep our pride
Though paradise is lost
We will pay the price
But we will not count the cost
And if the music stops
There's only the sound of the rain
All the hope and glory
All the sacrifice in vain
(And) If love remains
Though everything is lost
We will pay the price
But we will not count the cost
and last night this song came to mind…
one of my favorites by them lyrically…
“and if love remains..” great lyric…enjoy : )
"Bravado" Rush
If we burn our wings
Flying too close to the sun
If the moment of glory
Is over before it's begun
If the dream is won
Though everything is lost
We will pay the price
But we will not count the cost
When the dust has cleared
And victory denied
A summit too lofty
River a little too wide
If we keep our pride
Though paradise is lost
We will pay the price
But we will not count the cost
And if the music stops
There's only the sound of the rain
All the hope and glory
All the sacrifice in vain
(And) If love remains
Though everything is lost
We will pay the price
But we will not count the cost
Friday, September 17, 2010
on love and integrity
If I do not love myself enough to live in my own integrity,
if I do not have self- value and self- worth, loving other people is going to be difficult. I may need or want them and end up in a Needs exchange, which is codependant and will not last or work
if I do not have self- value and self- worth, loving other people is going to be difficult. I may need or want them and end up in a Needs exchange, which is codependant and will not last or work
Thursday, September 2, 2010
16 years tomorrow
Sept 2, 1994 --- Good Ole Days , Sandy Springs, Georgia,
watching Ga. Tech vs Arizona football ... huge fight with girl i was with...
walked out with half a glass of beer left on the table...its the only beer i can remember not finishing... 16 years later substance free, sober and still somewhat insane :)
she dropped me off at my apartment in north springs section...
didnt say a word to me on the drive home...turned up the radio so we didnt have to talk...
"in your eyes" by Peter gabriel...figures...
i walked in and started crying in the kitchen...couldnt speak i never felt so alone.
the next morning and most of the afternoon i sat listening to music..
knife in my hand... couldnt take it...
my dad called to ask if i paid my car insurance or something like that.. i forget details...but i know ... i hadnt.
he said you dont sound good you ok...ya dad...just alot on my mind...
i couldnt even talk to my father.
i cut my arm. just a scratch...but that was it...what was i doing?
i called my roomie and said get her quick... i called my doc...
therapist i had seen off and on for a few years...
thankfully he was on the board at Charter Peachford...
i was 3 months from being 23 and off my dads cobra insurance..
i think something in my mind said it was get help now or not at all.
i dont know where that voice came from but i'm glad it was with me that day.
my roomie cut jokes as we drove ...and helped remind me to keep my sense of humor.
Derek, Thank you... i owe you my life in so many ways.
thank you for everyone that's helped me along in 16 years.
watching Ga. Tech vs Arizona football ... huge fight with girl i was with...
walked out with half a glass of beer left on the table...its the only beer i can remember not finishing... 16 years later substance free, sober and still somewhat insane :)
she dropped me off at my apartment in north springs section...
didnt say a word to me on the drive home...turned up the radio so we didnt have to talk...
"in your eyes" by Peter gabriel...figures...
i walked in and started crying in the kitchen...couldnt speak i never felt so alone.
the next morning and most of the afternoon i sat listening to music..
knife in my hand... couldnt take it...
my dad called to ask if i paid my car insurance or something like that.. i forget details...but i know ... i hadnt.
he said you dont sound good you ok...ya dad...just alot on my mind...
i couldnt even talk to my father.
i cut my arm. just a scratch...but that was it...what was i doing?
i called my roomie and said get her quick... i called my doc...
therapist i had seen off and on for a few years...
thankfully he was on the board at Charter Peachford...
i was 3 months from being 23 and off my dads cobra insurance..
i think something in my mind said it was get help now or not at all.
i dont know where that voice came from but i'm glad it was with me that day.
my roomie cut jokes as we drove ...and helped remind me to keep my sense of humor.
Derek, Thank you... i owe you my life in so many ways.
thank you for everyone that's helped me along in 16 years.
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
I promise myself
I promise myself
to be so strong that nothing can disturb my peace of mind.
To talk health, happiness, and prosperity to every person I meet.
To make all my friends feel that there is something worthwhile in them.
To look at the sunny side of everything
and make my optimism come true.
To think only of the best,
to work only for the best and to expect only the best.
To be just as enthusiastic about the success of others
as I am about my own
To forget the mistakes of the past
And press on to the greater achievements of the future.
To wear a cheerful expression at all times
And give a smile to every living creature I meet
To give so much time to improving myself
that I have no time to criticize others.
To be too large to worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear,
and too happy to permit the presence of trouble.
To think well of myself and to proclaim this fact to the world,
not in loud words, but in great deeds.
to live in the faith that the whole world is on my side,
so long as I am true to the best that is in me.
to be so strong that nothing can disturb my peace of mind.
To talk health, happiness, and prosperity to every person I meet.
To make all my friends feel that there is something worthwhile in them.
To look at the sunny side of everything
and make my optimism come true.
To think only of the best,
to work only for the best and to expect only the best.
To be just as enthusiastic about the success of others
as I am about my own
To forget the mistakes of the past
And press on to the greater achievements of the future.
To wear a cheerful expression at all times
And give a smile to every living creature I meet
To give so much time to improving myself
that I have no time to criticize others.
To be too large to worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear,
and too happy to permit the presence of trouble.
To think well of myself and to proclaim this fact to the world,
not in loud words, but in great deeds.
to live in the faith that the whole world is on my side,
so long as I am true to the best that is in me.
Monday, August 16, 2010
Half of my heart ( john mayer)
I was born in the arms of imaginary friends
Free to roam, made a home out of everywhere I've been
Then you come crashing in, like the realest thing
Trying my best to understand all that your love can bring
Oh, half of my heart's got a grip on the situation
Half of my heart takes time
Half of my heart's got a right mind to tell you
That I can't keep loving you (can't keep loving you)
Oh, with half of my heart
I was made to believe I'd never love somebody else
Made a plan, stay the man who can only love himself
Lonely was the song I sang, until the day you came
Showing me another way and all that my love can bring
Oh, half of my heart's got a grip on the situation
Half of my heart takes time
Half of my heart's got a right mind to tell you
That I can't keep loving you (can't keep loving you)
Oh, with half of my heart
With half of my heart
Your faith is strong
But I can only fall short for so long
Down the road, later on
You will hate that I never gave more to you
Than half of my heart
But I can't stop loving you
I can't stop loving you
I can't stop loving you
I can't stop loving you
I can't stop loving you
With half of my . . .
Half of my heart
Oh, half of my heart
Half of my heart's got a real good imagination
Half of my heart's got you
Half of my heart's got a right mind to tell you
That half of my heart won't do
Half of my heart is a shotgun wedding to a bride with a paper ring
And half of my heart is the part of a man who's never truly loved anything
Half of my heart, oh, half of my heart
Half of my heart, oh, half of my heart
Half of my heart, oh, half of my heart
Half of my heart . . .
Free to roam, made a home out of everywhere I've been
Then you come crashing in, like the realest thing
Trying my best to understand all that your love can bring
Oh, half of my heart's got a grip on the situation
Half of my heart takes time
Half of my heart's got a right mind to tell you
That I can't keep loving you (can't keep loving you)
Oh, with half of my heart
I was made to believe I'd never love somebody else
Made a plan, stay the man who can only love himself
Lonely was the song I sang, until the day you came
Showing me another way and all that my love can bring
Oh, half of my heart's got a grip on the situation
Half of my heart takes time
Half of my heart's got a right mind to tell you
That I can't keep loving you (can't keep loving you)
Oh, with half of my heart
With half of my heart
Your faith is strong
But I can only fall short for so long
Down the road, later on
You will hate that I never gave more to you
Than half of my heart
But I can't stop loving you
I can't stop loving you
I can't stop loving you
I can't stop loving you
I can't stop loving you
With half of my . . .
Half of my heart
Oh, half of my heart
Half of my heart's got a real good imagination
Half of my heart's got you
Half of my heart's got a right mind to tell you
That half of my heart won't do
Half of my heart is a shotgun wedding to a bride with a paper ring
And half of my heart is the part of a man who's never truly loved anything
Half of my heart, oh, half of my heart
Half of my heart, oh, half of my heart
Half of my heart, oh, half of my heart
Half of my heart . . .
Character before comfort
I came across this blog from a link in a prayers for recovery and healing group that I am a part of on Facebook…
Just seems to be where I am at today.. there are quite a few blog entries but this is today’s and definitely can relate to my need to put my
“character before my comfort”
http://bradhambrick.com/wp/
Thorns, Pride, & Love – II Corinthians 12
Thorn in the Flesh (12:7)
I believe both the timing and vagueness of this verse are significant for its application. Paul discusses the humbling effect of his “thorn” right after discussing an incredible experience that could have easily caused pride (2 Cor 12:1-6). Paul viewed his character as more important than his comfort, therefore he could see the goodness of God in stripping his comfort to protect his character.
Yet the “thorn” is also vague. While the best guesses seem to be sight impairment from the Damascus road experience, it is impossible to be sure. I believe Paul (by the inspiration of the Holy Spirit) used a metaphor to describe his ailment instead of a precise description so that we would be better able to relate to God’s work in Paul’s life.
Reflection: Can you see the goodness of God in the midst of your suffering? Admittedly, this is a very difficult question. Paul came back to God at least three times before he could answer it affirmatively. Does your struggle to see God’s goodness come from valuing comfort more than the refinement of your character? When you speak of your suffering do you consider the way others may be reading their experience of suffering onto your words (2 Cor 1:3-5)?
Just seems to be where I am at today.. there are quite a few blog entries but this is today’s and definitely can relate to my need to put my
“character before my comfort”
http://bradhambrick.com/wp/
Thorns, Pride, & Love – II Corinthians 12
Thorn in the Flesh (12:7)
I believe both the timing and vagueness of this verse are significant for its application. Paul discusses the humbling effect of his “thorn” right after discussing an incredible experience that could have easily caused pride (2 Cor 12:1-6). Paul viewed his character as more important than his comfort, therefore he could see the goodness of God in stripping his comfort to protect his character.
Yet the “thorn” is also vague. While the best guesses seem to be sight impairment from the Damascus road experience, it is impossible to be sure. I believe Paul (by the inspiration of the Holy Spirit) used a metaphor to describe his ailment instead of a precise description so that we would be better able to relate to God’s work in Paul’s life.
Reflection: Can you see the goodness of God in the midst of your suffering? Admittedly, this is a very difficult question. Paul came back to God at least three times before he could answer it affirmatively. Does your struggle to see God’s goodness come from valuing comfort more than the refinement of your character? When you speak of your suffering do you consider the way others may be reading their experience of suffering onto your words (2 Cor 1:3-5)?
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
you are powerful
You are Powerful.
You are far more powerful than you realize. You are creating everything in your life .Once you fully acknowledge this , and take responsibility for it , you can do anything that you set you mind to. You are the author of your own life , and you can choose to take it in any direction you wish.
You have the ability to change your life.
You have the ability to create your desired future.
You have unlimited potential !
''There are no extra pieces in the universe.
Everyone is here because he or she
has a place to fill , and every piece must fit
itself into the big jigsaw puzzle. ''
Deepak Chopra.
''To let life happen to you is irresponsible.
To create your day is your divine right.''
Ramtha.
Friday, August 6, 2010
Happiness.
Happiness.
I believe that the very purpose of life is to be happy.
From the very core of our being, we desire contentment.
In my own limited experience I have found that the more we care for the happiness of others, the greater is our own sense of well-being.
Cultivating a close, warmhearted feeling for others automatically puts the mind at ease.
It helps remove whatever fears or insecurities we may have and gives us the strength to cope with any obstacles we encounter.
It is the principal source of success in life.
Since we are not solely material creatures, it is a mistake to place all our hopes for happiness on external development alone.
The key is to develop inner peace.
~ Dalai Lama
I believe that the very purpose of life is to be happy.
From the very core of our being, we desire contentment.
In my own limited experience I have found that the more we care for the happiness of others, the greater is our own sense of well-being.
Cultivating a close, warmhearted feeling for others automatically puts the mind at ease.
It helps remove whatever fears or insecurities we may have and gives us the strength to cope with any obstacles we encounter.
It is the principal source of success in life.
Since we are not solely material creatures, it is a mistake to place all our hopes for happiness on external development alone.
The key is to develop inner peace.
~ Dalai Lama
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Hmmmmmm, could take this advice myself :)
this was given to me on a site called INTHEROOMS.com that i am a part of...
really is exactly what i needed to hear this morning...
'If you dont go after what you want, youll never have it. If you dont ask, the answer is always no. If you dont step forward, youre always in the same place.' ~ Nora Roberts
really is exactly what i needed to hear this morning...
'If you dont go after what you want, youll never have it. If you dont ask, the answer is always no. If you dont step forward, youre always in the same place.' ~ Nora Roberts
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
What is love?
something i found on a positive thoughts website.... made me think...
What is Love?
Love is a wonderful gift .It's a present so precious words can barely begin to describe it.
Love is a feeling , the deepest and sweetest of all.It's incredibly strong and amazingly gentle at the very same time.
It is a blessing that should be counted every day.It is nourishment for the soul.
It is devotion , constantly letting each person know how supportive its certainty can be.
Love is a heart filled with affection for the most important person in your life.
Love is looking at the special someone who makes your world go around and absolutely loving what you see.
Love gives meaning to one's world and magic to a million hopes and dreams.
It makes the morning shine more brightly and each season seem like it's the nicest one anyone ever had.
Love is an invaluable bond that enriches every good thing in life.It gives each hug a tenderness,
each heart a happiness , each spirit a steady lift.
Love is an invisible connection that is exquisitely felt by those who know the joy ,feel the warmth , share the sweetness , and celebrate the gift.
By D.Pagels.
What is Love?
Love is a wonderful gift .It's a present so precious words can barely begin to describe it.
Love is a feeling , the deepest and sweetest of all.It's incredibly strong and amazingly gentle at the very same time.
It is a blessing that should be counted every day.It is nourishment for the soul.
It is devotion , constantly letting each person know how supportive its certainty can be.
Love is a heart filled with affection for the most important person in your life.
Love is looking at the special someone who makes your world go around and absolutely loving what you see.
Love gives meaning to one's world and magic to a million hopes and dreams.
It makes the morning shine more brightly and each season seem like it's the nicest one anyone ever had.
Love is an invaluable bond that enriches every good thing in life.It gives each hug a tenderness,
each heart a happiness , each spirit a steady lift.
Love is an invisible connection that is exquisitely felt by those who know the joy ,feel the warmth , share the sweetness , and celebrate the gift.
By D.Pagels.
Monday, July 26, 2010
I’ve been reading a book on the Irish and the role they played in the Civil War. In the last few chapters it was recalling the incidents of the First Battle of Bull Run July 21,1861…. Next year will mark the 150th anniversary…it made me recall a letter that I first encountered while watching the Ken Burns Civil War series on PBS the words taken from the letter and spoken out loud have resonated with me from that day forward..
What an incredible document of love ,faith ,compassion and devotion… so I share it with you now…
Sullivan Ballou Letter
July 14, 1861
Camp Clark, Washington
My very dear Sarah:
The indications are very strong that we shall move in a few days—perhaps tomorrow. Lest I should not be able to write again, I feel impelled to write a few lines that may fall under your eye when I shall be no more . . .
I have no misgivings about, or lack of confidence in the cause in which I am engaged, and my courage does not halt or falter. I know how strongly American Civilization now leans on the triumph of the Government and how great a debt we owe to those who went before us through the blood and sufferings of the Revolution. And I am willing—perfectly willing—to lay down all my joys in this life, to help maintain this Government, and to pay that debt . . .
Sarah my love for you is deathless, it seems to bind me with mighty cables that nothing but Omnipotence could break; and yet my love of Country comes over me like a strong wind and bears me unresistibly on with all these chains to the battle field.
The memories of the blissful moments I have spent with you come creeping over me, and I feel most gratified to God and to you that I have enjoyed them for so long. And hard it is for me to give them up and burn to ashes the hopes of future years, when, God willing, we might still have lived and loved together, and seen our sons grown up to honorable manhood, around us. I have, I know, but few and small claims upon Divine Providence, but something whispers to me—perhaps it is the wafted prayer of my little Edgar, that I shall return to my loved ones unharmed. If I do not my dear Sarah, never forget how much I love you, and when my last breath escapes me on the battle field, it will whisper your name. Forgive my many faults and the many pains I have caused you. How thoughtless and foolish I have often times been! How gladly would I wash out with my tears every little spot upon your happiness . . .
But, O Sarah! If the dead can come back to this earth and flit unseen around those they loved, I shall always be near you; in the gladdest days and in the darkest nights . . . always, always, and if there be a soft breeze upon your cheek, it shall be my breath, as the cool air fans your throbbing temple, it shall be my spirit passing by. Sarah do not mourn me dead; think I am gone and wait for thee, for we shall meet again . . .
Sullivan Ballou was killed a week later at the first Battle of Bull Run, July 21, 1861.
Born March 28, 1829 in Smithfield, R.I., Ballou was educated at Phillips Academy in Andover, Mass.; Brown University in Providence, R.I. and the National Law School in Ballston, N.Y. He was admitted to the Rhode Island Bar in 1853.
Ballou devoted his brief life to public service. He was elected in 1854 as clerk of the Rhode Island House of Representatives, later serving as its speaker.
He married Sarah Hart Shumway on October 15, 1855, and the following year saw the birth of their first child, Edgar. A second son, William, was born in 1859.
Ballou immediately entered the military in 1861 after the war broke out. He became judge advocate of the Rhode Island militia and was 32 at the time of his death at the first Battle of Bull Run on July 21, 1861.
When he died, his wife was 24. She later moved to New Jersey to live out her life with her son, William, and never re-married. She died at age 80 in 1917.
Sullivan and Sarah Ballou are buried next to each other at Swan Point Cemetery in Providence, RI. There are no known living descendants.
Ironically, Sullivan Ballou’s letter was never mailed. Although Sarah would receive other, decidedly more upbeat letters, dated after the now-famous letter from the battlefield, the letter in question would be found among Sullivan Ballou’s effects when Gov. William Sprague of Rhode Island traveled to Virginia to retrieve the remains of his state’s sons who had fallen in battle.
What an incredible document of love ,faith ,compassion and devotion… so I share it with you now…
Sullivan Ballou Letter
July 14, 1861
Camp Clark, Washington
My very dear Sarah:
The indications are very strong that we shall move in a few days—perhaps tomorrow. Lest I should not be able to write again, I feel impelled to write a few lines that may fall under your eye when I shall be no more . . .
I have no misgivings about, or lack of confidence in the cause in which I am engaged, and my courage does not halt or falter. I know how strongly American Civilization now leans on the triumph of the Government and how great a debt we owe to those who went before us through the blood and sufferings of the Revolution. And I am willing—perfectly willing—to lay down all my joys in this life, to help maintain this Government, and to pay that debt . . .
Sarah my love for you is deathless, it seems to bind me with mighty cables that nothing but Omnipotence could break; and yet my love of Country comes over me like a strong wind and bears me unresistibly on with all these chains to the battle field.
The memories of the blissful moments I have spent with you come creeping over me, and I feel most gratified to God and to you that I have enjoyed them for so long. And hard it is for me to give them up and burn to ashes the hopes of future years, when, God willing, we might still have lived and loved together, and seen our sons grown up to honorable manhood, around us. I have, I know, but few and small claims upon Divine Providence, but something whispers to me—perhaps it is the wafted prayer of my little Edgar, that I shall return to my loved ones unharmed. If I do not my dear Sarah, never forget how much I love you, and when my last breath escapes me on the battle field, it will whisper your name. Forgive my many faults and the many pains I have caused you. How thoughtless and foolish I have often times been! How gladly would I wash out with my tears every little spot upon your happiness . . .
But, O Sarah! If the dead can come back to this earth and flit unseen around those they loved, I shall always be near you; in the gladdest days and in the darkest nights . . . always, always, and if there be a soft breeze upon your cheek, it shall be my breath, as the cool air fans your throbbing temple, it shall be my spirit passing by. Sarah do not mourn me dead; think I am gone and wait for thee, for we shall meet again . . .
Sullivan Ballou was killed a week later at the first Battle of Bull Run, July 21, 1861.
Born March 28, 1829 in Smithfield, R.I., Ballou was educated at Phillips Academy in Andover, Mass.; Brown University in Providence, R.I. and the National Law School in Ballston, N.Y. He was admitted to the Rhode Island Bar in 1853.
Ballou devoted his brief life to public service. He was elected in 1854 as clerk of the Rhode Island House of Representatives, later serving as its speaker.
He married Sarah Hart Shumway on October 15, 1855, and the following year saw the birth of their first child, Edgar. A second son, William, was born in 1859.
Ballou immediately entered the military in 1861 after the war broke out. He became judge advocate of the Rhode Island militia and was 32 at the time of his death at the first Battle of Bull Run on July 21, 1861.
When he died, his wife was 24. She later moved to New Jersey to live out her life with her son, William, and never re-married. She died at age 80 in 1917.
Sullivan and Sarah Ballou are buried next to each other at Swan Point Cemetery in Providence, RI. There are no known living descendants.
Ironically, Sullivan Ballou’s letter was never mailed. Although Sarah would receive other, decidedly more upbeat letters, dated after the now-famous letter from the battlefield, the letter in question would be found among Sullivan Ballou’s effects when Gov. William Sprague of Rhode Island traveled to Virginia to retrieve the remains of his state’s sons who had fallen in battle.
Friday, July 23, 2010
shut your eyes
I absolutely love the etheral nature of this song. I saw Snow patrol last summer open for U2 and they were really good... love songs and although simplistic in nature their was this aura about the songs. just totally were able to set a mood and draw me in. I was some what familiar with them... knowing "chasing cars" but somehow this song really does it for me too... enjoy...
"Shut Your Eyes"- snow patrol
Shut your eyes and think of somewhere
Somewhere cold and caked in snow
By the fire we break the quiet
Learn to wear each other well
And when the worrying starts to hurt
and the world feels like graves of dirt
Just close your eyes until
you can imagine this place, yeah, our secret space at will
Shut your eyes, I spin the big chair
And you'll feel dizzy, light, and free
And falling gently on the cushion
You can come and sing to me
And when the worrying starts to hurt
and the world feels like graves of dirt
Just close your eyes until
you can imagine this place, yeah, our secret space at will
(Shut your eyes [x4])
Shut your eyes and sing to me (Shut your eyes and sing to me) [x4]
"Shut Your Eyes"- snow patrol
Shut your eyes and think of somewhere
Somewhere cold and caked in snow
By the fire we break the quiet
Learn to wear each other well
And when the worrying starts to hurt
and the world feels like graves of dirt
Just close your eyes until
you can imagine this place, yeah, our secret space at will
Shut your eyes, I spin the big chair
And you'll feel dizzy, light, and free
And falling gently on the cushion
You can come and sing to me
And when the worrying starts to hurt
and the world feels like graves of dirt
Just close your eyes until
you can imagine this place, yeah, our secret space at will
(Shut your eyes [x4])
Shut your eyes and sing to me (Shut your eyes and sing to me) [x4]
Be grateful simply for being alive.
Be grateful simply for being alive.
When you are grateful for life, pure and simple,
your life becomes one you can be grateful for.
That may strike you as circular or even backward logic,
but your attitude really does have an effect on how things work out.
When you can’t change your life any other way,
you can still change your attitude.
When you do, your life changes.
You find more chances to love,
and you will be surprised to see how much more love is returned to you.
The next time someone says, “It’s a lovely day,”
try saying, “Yes, it is.”
Today is always the best day of your life
When you are grateful for life, pure and simple,
your life becomes one you can be grateful for.
That may strike you as circular or even backward logic,
but your attitude really does have an effect on how things work out.
When you can’t change your life any other way,
you can still change your attitude.
When you do, your life changes.
You find more chances to love,
and you will be surprised to see how much more love is returned to you.
The next time someone says, “It’s a lovely day,”
try saying, “Yes, it is.”
Today is always the best day of your life
Friday, July 16, 2010
Positive thoughts
Life is a Journey.
Taken from http://positive-thoughts.typepad.com/
There may be days when you get up in the morning and things aren't the way you had hoped they would be.
That's when you have to tell yourself that things will get better.
There are times when people disappoint you and let you down , but those are the times when you must remind yourself to trust your own judgments and opinions , to keep your life focused on believing in yourself and all that you are capable of .
There will be challenges to face and changes to make in your life , and it is up to you to accept them. Constantly keep yourself headed in the right direction for you.
It may not be easy at times , but in those times of struggle you will find a stronger sense of who you are , and you will also see yourself developing into the person you have always wanted to be.
Life is a journey through time , filled with many choices ; each of us will experience life in our own special way. So when the days come that are filled with frustration and unexpected responsibilities , remember to believe in yourself and all you want your life to be , because the challenges and changes will only help you to find the dreams that you know are meant to come true for you.
Deanna Beisser
I've been reading through the old archives of this blog and it's amazing! highly recommended...
Taken from http://positive-thoughts.typepad.com/
There may be days when you get up in the morning and things aren't the way you had hoped they would be.
That's when you have to tell yourself that things will get better.
There are times when people disappoint you and let you down , but those are the times when you must remind yourself to trust your own judgments and opinions , to keep your life focused on believing in yourself and all that you are capable of .
There will be challenges to face and changes to make in your life , and it is up to you to accept them. Constantly keep yourself headed in the right direction for you.
It may not be easy at times , but in those times of struggle you will find a stronger sense of who you are , and you will also see yourself developing into the person you have always wanted to be.
Life is a journey through time , filled with many choices ; each of us will experience life in our own special way. So when the days come that are filled with frustration and unexpected responsibilities , remember to believe in yourself and all you want your life to be , because the challenges and changes will only help you to find the dreams that you know are meant to come true for you.
Deanna Beisser
I've been reading through the old archives of this blog and it's amazing! highly recommended...
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Status messages that share - Experience,Strength and Hope
♥ things never stay the same and people come and go, but today ur here with me and i love ya for that ♥
You know you have my heart....treat it as if it yours and i'll do the same with yours.
If no one gave you a friendly ((HUG)) today, If no one gave you a warm SMILE :) If no one said they miss you and care about you.... then I am now!!!!! may your day be filled with all the happiness and joy your higher power wishes you to have :)
"Everytime you smile at someone, it is an action of love, a gift to that person, a beautiful thing."
Mother Teresa
As i sit here./ watching you leave./ im in pain./ your leaving me./ things got so messed up./ i didnt mean to ./ so numb yet so much pain.
my heart smiles when i think of you :) ♥
Willingness and action embraced with hope, faith and spirituality.
"Your fears are not walls, but hurdles. Courage is not the absence of fear, but the conquering of it." — Dan Millman
"Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the decision that something is more important that your fear." - Princess Diaries
"Never settle for being second best when you know you deserve to be first, letting go isn't a sign of weakness its a sign you're strong enough to move on"
It's a fool who looks for logic in the chambers of the human heart.
The glory of friendship is not the outstretched hand, nor the kindly smile, nor the joy of companionship.... it is the spiritual inspiration that comes to one when he discovers that someone else believes in him and is willing to trust him.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
Music generates a kind of pleasure
without which human nature can not do.
works boring. home is blah and i keep on looking around..
but im really trying to stop. stay positive. and forget about who or what is around me and just change... ME!
Who or what are you looking for that you can not find?
Today I step into a new space, previously unexplored...courage, my companion, and curiosity...I do not long or need to re-visit old ideas or experiences...let me only embrace what is unknown and unfamiliar...this, the nature of my longing for life and love and experience...new and untried...daring and bold and exciting...a new way of living each day...a new way of seeing and believing and loving...oh boy! Here I go!
Just be patient, darling. God has great things planned for you.
if u ask me I'm ready
"Never settle for being second best when you know you deserve to be first, letting go isn't a sign of weakness its a sign you're strong enough to move on"
Strength is taking a look at where you are and, from there, getting to where you want to be, no matter how hard it is or how long it takes to get there
I thank God for my amazing family & friends & the opportunities that come my way! Life is such a blessing!! Each day remember this & smile!!
You know you have my heart....treat it as if it yours and i'll do the same with yours.
If no one gave you a friendly ((HUG)) today, If no one gave you a warm SMILE :) If no one said they miss you and care about you.... then I am now!!!!! may your day be filled with all the happiness and joy your higher power wishes you to have :)
"Everytime you smile at someone, it is an action of love, a gift to that person, a beautiful thing."
Mother Teresa
As i sit here./ watching you leave./ im in pain./ your leaving me./ things got so messed up./ i didnt mean to ./ so numb yet so much pain.
my heart smiles when i think of you :) ♥
Willingness and action embraced with hope, faith and spirituality.
"Your fears are not walls, but hurdles. Courage is not the absence of fear, but the conquering of it." — Dan Millman
"Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the decision that something is more important that your fear." - Princess Diaries
"Never settle for being second best when you know you deserve to be first, letting go isn't a sign of weakness its a sign you're strong enough to move on"
It's a fool who looks for logic in the chambers of the human heart.
The glory of friendship is not the outstretched hand, nor the kindly smile, nor the joy of companionship.... it is the spiritual inspiration that comes to one when he discovers that someone else believes in him and is willing to trust him.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
Music generates a kind of pleasure
without which human nature can not do.
works boring. home is blah and i keep on looking around..
but im really trying to stop. stay positive. and forget about who or what is around me and just change... ME!
Who or what are you looking for that you can not find?
Today I step into a new space, previously unexplored...courage, my companion, and curiosity...I do not long or need to re-visit old ideas or experiences...let me only embrace what is unknown and unfamiliar...this, the nature of my longing for life and love and experience...new and untried...daring and bold and exciting...a new way of living each day...a new way of seeing and believing and loving...oh boy! Here I go!
Just be patient, darling. God has great things planned for you.
if u ask me I'm ready
"Never settle for being second best when you know you deserve to be first, letting go isn't a sign of weakness its a sign you're strong enough to move on"
Strength is taking a look at where you are and, from there, getting to where you want to be, no matter how hard it is or how long it takes to get there
I thank God for my amazing family & friends & the opportunities that come my way! Life is such a blessing!! Each day remember this & smile!!
Humility -- a Nourishing Ingredient
Daily Reflections
A NOURISHING INGREDIENT, p.204
Where humility had formerly stood for a forced feeding on humble pie
it now begins to mean the nourishing ingredient which can give us
serenity.
12 & 12, p.74
How often do I focus on my problems and frustrations? When I am
having a "good day" these same problems shrink in importance
and my preoccupation with them dwindles. Wouldn't it be better if
I could find a key to unlock the "magic" of my "good days" for use
on the woes of my "bad days?"
I already have the solution! Instead of trying to run away from
my pain and wish my problems away, I can pray for humility!
Humility will heal the pain. Humility will take me out of myself.
Humility, that strength granted me by that "power greater than
myself," is mine for the asking! Humility will bring balance back
into my life. Humility will allow me to accept my humanness
joyously.
***********************************************************
from the book Daily Reflections
A NOURISHING INGREDIENT, p.204
Where humility had formerly stood for a forced feeding on humble pie
it now begins to mean the nourishing ingredient which can give us
serenity.
12 & 12, p.74
How often do I focus on my problems and frustrations? When I am
having a "good day" these same problems shrink in importance
and my preoccupation with them dwindles. Wouldn't it be better if
I could find a key to unlock the "magic" of my "good days" for use
on the woes of my "bad days?"
I already have the solution! Instead of trying to run away from
my pain and wish my problems away, I can pray for humility!
Humility will heal the pain. Humility will take me out of myself.
Humility, that strength granted me by that "power greater than
myself," is mine for the asking! Humility will bring balance back
into my life. Humility will allow me to accept my humanness
joyously.
***********************************************************
from the book Daily Reflections
Drama Llama Theory
Theory on Drama --
i might be able to write a good screen play ,
i might even be able to act my part reasonably well....
but eventually i will be reminded who is directing things...
and that nice lil Drama turns into a Tragic Comedy real quick :)
so even though I might find food in the field,
I don't need to graze around Drama Llamas for too long :)
i might be able to write a good screen play ,
i might even be able to act my part reasonably well....
but eventually i will be reminded who is directing things...
and that nice lil Drama turns into a Tragic Comedy real quick :)
so even though I might find food in the field,
I don't need to graze around Drama Llamas for too long :)
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
MY WISH
I hope the days come easy and the moments pass slow
And each road leads you where you want to go
And if you're faced with the choice and you have to choose
I hope you choose the one that means the most to you
And if one door opens to another door closed
I hope you keep on walkin' ?til you find the window
If it's cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile
But more than anything, more than anything
My wish for you
Is that this life becomes all that you want it to
Your dreams stay big, your worries stay small
You never need to carry more than you can hold
And while you're out there gettin' where you're gettin' to
I hope you know somebody loves you
And wants the same things too
Yeah, this is my wish
I hope you never look back but you never forget
All the ones who love you and the place you left
I hope you always forgive and you never regret
And you help somebody every chance you get
Oh, you'd find God's grace in every mistake
And always give more than you take
But more than anything, yeah more than anything
My wish for you
Is that this life becomes all that you want it to
Your dreams stay big, your worries stay small
You never need to carry more than you can hold
And while you're out there gettin' where you're gettin' to
I hope you know somebody loves you
And wants the same things too
Yeah, this is my wish, yeah yeah
My wish for you
Is that this life becomes all that you want it to
Your dreams stay big, your worries stay small
You never need to carry more than you can hold
And while you're out there gettin' where you're gettin' to
I hope you know somebody loves you
And wants the same things too
Yeah, this is my wish
(My wish for you)
This is my wish
(My wish for you)
I hope you know somebody loves you
(My wish for you)
May all your dreams stay big
(My wish for you)
And each road leads you where you want to go
And if you're faced with the choice and you have to choose
I hope you choose the one that means the most to you
And if one door opens to another door closed
I hope you keep on walkin' ?til you find the window
If it's cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile
But more than anything, more than anything
My wish for you
Is that this life becomes all that you want it to
Your dreams stay big, your worries stay small
You never need to carry more than you can hold
And while you're out there gettin' where you're gettin' to
I hope you know somebody loves you
And wants the same things too
Yeah, this is my wish
I hope you never look back but you never forget
All the ones who love you and the place you left
I hope you always forgive and you never regret
And you help somebody every chance you get
Oh, you'd find God's grace in every mistake
And always give more than you take
But more than anything, yeah more than anything
My wish for you
Is that this life becomes all that you want it to
Your dreams stay big, your worries stay small
You never need to carry more than you can hold
And while you're out there gettin' where you're gettin' to
I hope you know somebody loves you
And wants the same things too
Yeah, this is my wish, yeah yeah
My wish for you
Is that this life becomes all that you want it to
Your dreams stay big, your worries stay small
You never need to carry more than you can hold
And while you're out there gettin' where you're gettin' to
I hope you know somebody loves you
And wants the same things too
Yeah, this is my wish
(My wish for you)
This is my wish
(My wish for you)
I hope you know somebody loves you
(My wish for you)
May all your dreams stay big
(My wish for you)
Monday, July 12, 2010
ok I dont even have a radio here...why are songs popping into my head every hour!
What Do You Want From Me ~ Adam Lambert
Hey, slow it down whataya want from me
Whataya want from me
Yeah I’m afraid whataya want from me
Whataya want from me
There might have been a time
And I would give myself away
Oooh once upon a time I didn’t give a damn
But now, here we are so whataya want from me
Whataya want from me
Just don’t give up I’m workin it out
Please don’t give in, I won’t let you down
It messed me up, need a second to breathe
Just keep coming around
Hey, whataya want from me
Whataya want from me
Whataya want from me
Yeah, it’s plain to see (plain to see)
that baby you’re beautiful
And it’s nothing wrong with you
(nothing wrong with you)
It’s me, I’m a freak (yeah)
but thanks for lovin’ me
Cause you’re doing it perfectly
(it perfectly)
There might have been a time
When I would let you step away
I wouldn’t even try
But I think you could save my life
Just don’t give up I’m workin’ it out
Please don’t give in, I won’t let you down
It messed me up, need a second to breathe
Just keep comin around
Hey, whataya want from me (Whataya want from me)
Whataya want from me (Whataya want from me)
Just don’t give up on me
(uuuuuuh) I won’t let you down
No, I won’t let you down
http://www.elyricsworld.com/what_do_you_want_from_me_lyrics_adam_lambert.html
(So I) just don’t give up
I’m workin it out
Please don’t give in, I won’t let you down
It messed me up (It messed me up)
Need a second to breathe
Just keep coming around
Hey, whataya want from me
Just don’t give up I’m workin’ it out
Please don’t give in, i won’t let you down
It messed me up, need a second to breathe
Just keep coming around
Hey, whataya want from me (whataya want from me)
whataya want from me (whataya want from me)
whataya want from me
Hey, slow it down whataya want from me
Whataya want from me
Yeah I’m afraid whataya want from me
Whataya want from me
There might have been a time
And I would give myself away
Oooh once upon a time I didn’t give a damn
But now, here we are so whataya want from me
Whataya want from me
Just don’t give up I’m workin it out
Please don’t give in, I won’t let you down
It messed me up, need a second to breathe
Just keep coming around
Hey, whataya want from me
Whataya want from me
Whataya want from me
Yeah, it’s plain to see (plain to see)
that baby you’re beautiful
And it’s nothing wrong with you
(nothing wrong with you)
It’s me, I’m a freak (yeah)
but thanks for lovin’ me
Cause you’re doing it perfectly
(it perfectly)
There might have been a time
When I would let you step away
I wouldn’t even try
But I think you could save my life
Just don’t give up I’m workin’ it out
Please don’t give in, I won’t let you down
It messed me up, need a second to breathe
Just keep comin around
Hey, whataya want from me (Whataya want from me)
Whataya want from me (Whataya want from me)
Just don’t give up on me
(uuuuuuh) I won’t let you down
No, I won’t let you down
http://www.elyricsworld.com/what_do_you_want_from_me_lyrics_adam_lambert.html
(So I) just don’t give up
I’m workin it out
Please don’t give in, I won’t let you down
It messed me up (It messed me up)
Need a second to breathe
Just keep coming around
Hey, whataya want from me
Just don’t give up I’m workin’ it out
Please don’t give in, i won’t let you down
It messed me up, need a second to breathe
Just keep coming around
Hey, whataya want from me (whataya want from me)
whataya want from me (whataya want from me)
whataya want from me
No One Is To Blame ~ Howard Jones
You can look at the menu, but you just can't eat
You can feel the cushion, but you can't have a seat
You can dip your foot in the pool, but you can't have a swim
You can feel the punishment, but you can't commit the sin
And you want her, and she wants you
We want everyone
And you want her and she wants you
No one, no one, no one ever is to blame
You can build a mansion, but you just can't live in it
You're the fastest runner but you're not allowed to win
Some break the rules, and live to count the cost
The insecurity is the thing that won't get lost
And you want her, and she wants you
We want everyone
And you want her, and she wants you
No one, no one, no one ever is to blame
You can see the summit but you can't reach it
Its the last piece of the puzzle but you just can't make it fit
Doctor says you're cured but you still feel the pain
Aspirations in the clouds but your hopes go down the drain
And you want her, and she wants you
We want everyone
And you want her, and she wants you
No one, no one, no one ever is to blame
No one ever is to blame
No one ever is to blame
More lyrics: http://www.lyricsfreak.com/h/howard+jones/#share
You can feel the cushion, but you can't have a seat
You can dip your foot in the pool, but you can't have a swim
You can feel the punishment, but you can't commit the sin
And you want her, and she wants you
We want everyone
And you want her and she wants you
No one, no one, no one ever is to blame
You can build a mansion, but you just can't live in it
You're the fastest runner but you're not allowed to win
Some break the rules, and live to count the cost
The insecurity is the thing that won't get lost
And you want her, and she wants you
We want everyone
And you want her, and she wants you
No one, no one, no one ever is to blame
You can see the summit but you can't reach it
Its the last piece of the puzzle but you just can't make it fit
Doctor says you're cured but you still feel the pain
Aspirations in the clouds but your hopes go down the drain
And you want her, and she wants you
We want everyone
And you want her, and she wants you
No one, no one, no one ever is to blame
No one ever is to blame
No one ever is to blame
More lyrics: http://www.lyricsfreak.com/h/howard+jones/#share
A Love Companion (2005)
A Love companion
Fully alive Trusting Open
Desperately desiring me
Physically Sexually
Someone that makes me smile
Every time I see her
My heart skips a beat
And my breath escapes me
Like getting punched in the kidneys
I can’t keep my eyes off of her
“and I can’t stop touching her”
Anna begins on the radio –
“and then suddenly she disappears…”
“ I’m not ready for this sort of thing”
I wake up crying once again
That’s what happens when the
Love of your life decides your nothing
More than “Wasted time”
Ten minute conversations that changed my life
“In the dark of night, by my side”
They call them Instant Messages
For a very good reason
Frustrating the both of us
“Married, but not to each other”
In my mind, but not really true
Virtual reality, the pseudo wife
Online love connecting us
The miles between seem like nothing
Broken promises while I show up
With my “pocket full of gold”
Seeking desperately to
Heal your lifetime of heartache….
****************************************
All quote are lines to song or a title of one…
First quotes are Counting crows song – Anna begins
Wasted time – by the eagles
Married, but not to each other – old country song.. not sure who
By my side- INXS
Pocket full of gold- Vince Gill
Fully alive Trusting Open
Desperately desiring me
Physically Sexually
Someone that makes me smile
Every time I see her
My heart skips a beat
And my breath escapes me
Like getting punched in the kidneys
I can’t keep my eyes off of her
“and I can’t stop touching her”
Anna begins on the radio –
“and then suddenly she disappears…”
“ I’m not ready for this sort of thing”
I wake up crying once again
That’s what happens when the
Love of your life decides your nothing
More than “Wasted time”
Ten minute conversations that changed my life
“In the dark of night, by my side”
They call them Instant Messages
For a very good reason
Frustrating the both of us
“Married, but not to each other”
In my mind, but not really true
Virtual reality, the pseudo wife
Online love connecting us
The miles between seem like nothing
Broken promises while I show up
With my “pocket full of gold”
Seeking desperately to
Heal your lifetime of heartache….
****************************************
All quote are lines to song or a title of one…
First quotes are Counting crows song – Anna begins
Wasted time – by the eagles
Married, but not to each other – old country song.. not sure who
By my side- INXS
Pocket full of gold- Vince Gill
If only
If only
If only I was there with you
Instead of dreaming of that moment
Then you would be able to tell
Why I love you without regret
Just how much I have to give to you
And how willing I am to do just that
I wish I could make my words more sensual
So you could feel the love I have to give
I mean more than something purely sexual
It’s like you’re the air by which I live
Just to glance into your lover’s eyes
Holding hands on the loveseat
Gaze into your smiling face
Baby, what happens when we meet
If only you were mine
For more than brief moments at a time
If only I could show exactly
How much I have to give to you
If only I could express
This beating in my chest
The warmness in my heart
I hope never do we part
My hand in yours
We walk through life
If only this was more than a dream
But something forever true
If only things were different
There would be - me and you
If only I was there with you
Instead of dreaming of that moment
Then you would be able to tell
Why I love you without regret
Just how much I have to give to you
And how willing I am to do just that
I wish I could make my words more sensual
So you could feel the love I have to give
I mean more than something purely sexual
It’s like you’re the air by which I live
Just to glance into your lover’s eyes
Holding hands on the loveseat
Gaze into your smiling face
Baby, what happens when we meet
If only you were mine
For more than brief moments at a time
If only I could show exactly
How much I have to give to you
If only I could express
This beating in my chest
The warmness in my heart
I hope never do we part
My hand in yours
We walk through life
If only this was more than a dream
But something forever true
If only things were different
There would be - me and you
Time (clock Of The Heart) ~ Culture Club
was listening to this Retro pop reunion show last night...
and besides just taking me back to a different time and place...
these lyrics really spoke to me.
Time (clock Of The Heart)
Don't put your head on my shoulder
Sink me in a river of tears
This could be the best place yet
But you must overcome your fears
In time it could have been so much more
The time is precious I know
In time it could have been so much more
The time has nothing to show
Because time won't give me time
And time makes lovers feel
Like they've got something real
But you and me we know
They've got nothing but time
And time won't give me time
Won't give me time
Don't make me feel any colder
Time is like a clock in my heart
Touch we touch was the heat too much
I felt I lost you from the start
In time it could have been so much more
The time is precious I know
In time it could have been so much more
The time has nothing to show
Because time won't give me time
And time makes lovers feel
Like they've got something real
But you and me we know
They've got nothin but time
And time won't give me time
Won't give me time
Oh in time it could have been so much more
The time is precious I know
In time it could have been so much more
The time has nothing to show
Because time won't give me time
And time makes lovers feel
Like they've got something real
But you and me we know
They've got nothin but time
And time won't give me time
Won't give me time
and besides just taking me back to a different time and place...
these lyrics really spoke to me.
Time (clock Of The Heart)
Don't put your head on my shoulder
Sink me in a river of tears
This could be the best place yet
But you must overcome your fears
In time it could have been so much more
The time is precious I know
In time it could have been so much more
The time has nothing to show
Because time won't give me time
And time makes lovers feel
Like they've got something real
But you and me we know
They've got nothing but time
And time won't give me time
Won't give me time
Don't make me feel any colder
Time is like a clock in my heart
Touch we touch was the heat too much
I felt I lost you from the start
In time it could have been so much more
The time is precious I know
In time it could have been so much more
The time has nothing to show
Because time won't give me time
And time makes lovers feel
Like they've got something real
But you and me we know
They've got nothin but time
And time won't give me time
Won't give me time
Oh in time it could have been so much more
The time is precious I know
In time it could have been so much more
The time has nothing to show
Because time won't give me time
And time makes lovers feel
Like they've got something real
But you and me we know
They've got nothin but time
And time won't give me time
Won't give me time
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
i love stealing statuses
one of my fave things to do lately is read friends statuses online or THEIR friends...which is totally random and stalkerish but i dont care lol
but ive gotten some GREAT inspirational stuff and just read words that tug at my heart... here are some that called out to me today... enjoy :)
Im sitting here, Thinking about you.
How did this happen?
How did i become so painstakingly addicted to you?.
Promise me one thing though,
Let me always be in your heart! ♥
Saying "I love you" doesn't have to be spoken aloud,
it is a feeling that can be whispered
from heart to heart without saying a word! ♥
but ive gotten some GREAT inspirational stuff and just read words that tug at my heart... here are some that called out to me today... enjoy :)
Im sitting here, Thinking about you.
How did this happen?
How did i become so painstakingly addicted to you?.
Promise me one thing though,
Let me always be in your heart! ♥
Saying "I love you" doesn't have to be spoken aloud,
it is a feeling that can be whispered
from heart to heart without saying a word! ♥
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