Fifteen By Forty (15x 40 part one of challenging myself to change)

Fifteen By Forty (15x 40 part one of challenging myself to change)

So here it goes…. Carpe diem as they say… and well this is going to be a long winded note so go get your coffee and make sure the kids and cats and all are well fed or on their way to bed or whatever… ok here it goes…

I’m not happy and content today with my life as is and I’m struggling so hard to do even one thing each day to work towards fixing even one single aspect of it.

There…. I finally said it… and I admitted to other people… I’ve been depressed…and for quite a while... and I need your help to help me through some changes…

The past 6 months or so have really changed me… I see the world from a much different perspective now as I look on a horizon line that includes me turning 40 years old in January of 2012… maybe the world really is going to end in 2012…because I’m one of those that the Who spoke about “ I hope I die before I get old “

When I compare my generation to my parents I know I fall short but it’s really beyond ridiculous. At the age of 40 my dad was well entrenched in his career, one that he enjoyed and on his 4th different major city assignment with IBM. He had 4 kids, 2 cars in the garage and I’m sure a pretty hefty mortgage that I never heard him argue about…sure there was the occasional argument with my mother about her inability to balance a checkbook but my God it just seems so smooth in retrospect.

Around the age of 40 my mom was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. I heard some things or thought I did when the doctors talked to my dad and I know I basically wrote off that my mother wouldn’t get better…there was also a long episode of her dealing with a slipped disc in her back… traction and getting off pain meds… not fun time for 10 yr old little boy….

I say this to set up perspective… I finally saw the fragility of the human condition that things change at a moment’s notice and that even adults are somewhat powerless to change it and struggle to protect or shadow even the most fragile of children from what I now lovingly refer to as the “harsh realities of life”

So what about today? What bout my life you say…. Well I’m now 15 months from turning 40… I haven’t been taking good care of myself and I have fallen into one of the deepest ruts I’ve been in quite a while. My reunion coming and going has really done a number on my spirits and has been like a slap across my face as to how I have been living my life.

I’ve been able to maintain a substance free lifestyle for over16 years now… to some they would call it sober. to others they call it clean…well I’m not so sure that every act or detail or thought process I have gone through has been of sane and sober mind… I still “act out” and I have used people places and things to ease my pain along the way… some with extremely detrimental consequences to myself and those I love.

With that being said I know I can stay away from alcohol and other forms of addiction. I know that with loving support and steadfast determination and a right relationship with the God of my understanding that I can feel empowered and even strengthened on a daily basis by my ability to do an about face and learn to live a different way of life.

I am seeing the need to do that in my personal life today… where do I start?

Well I think I need to remind myself of the basics… things that in time of great depression or great stress that I often have to remind myself of…. And make them a habit again. Early in my recovery I was told to act as if… and mirror my behavior in reverse… meaning if I was ever willing to drive 2 hours out of my way for a party full of booze and babes then I was going to have to be willing to drive 2 hours out of my way for a meeting full of men… and listen and learn… and so I did…and I have…and I will..
Because the benefits of meetings, fellowship and camaraderie have helped me to overcome my self centered fears and my addictions…

So what habits can I address today? Well I haven’t been eating right. When I get depressed or feel guilty or want to punish myself I often times stop eating. I don’t cook I don’t clean the kitchen. I get a really nervous stomach when stressed and it often times will upset it for days so I have learned to eat small meals or hardly anything at all… not good. Today I stopped for a donut… now before you get on me about it… this is actually a small good step… as I more times than not don’t even eat before 1pm and often times not till 5pm at night. Not good… not good at all and I wonder why im tired run down and depressed?

So ok well I’m running on here but I think you can begin to see where my issues stem and I have to make lists and make goals for myself…

Here it goes…15 steps to change by the age of 40…..

Number 1 Admittance and Acceptance

Monday night I will be going back to my therapist to address my lingering depression… the fact that for nearly a month now I have had more days where I cry then not…
That as a man diagnosed with Bipolar and A.D.D. that I might possibly need medication to regulate my moods and my sleep pattern as I have hardly slept a solid nights sleep in 6 weeks now.

I have to accept the realities of my chemical imbalance that the stresses I have added have only aggravated my condition.

Number 2 Exercise More

This past summer I began kayaking on the lakes around where I live and absolutely LOVE it…but my struggle from October till April around here is to get more exercise and not fall into lethargic habits. My sponsor runs a spin gym in Rhode Island and I am bound and determined to make it over there and see him… good healthy exercise for the winter months as well as a way to reconnect with him personally or help his business… I also am determined to start running. So many of my friends and fellow classmates have shared there enthusiasm for the sport and benefits…how can I not try?

Basketball, baseball, swimming, kayaking… running and volleyball... I need to go and do more… push my physical limits… so I’m going to join the Y as soon as I can afford to do so.

Number 3 Eating Right

This one is huge… bigger than I let on. See when I did run around and exercise as a kid… I would FORGET to stop and eat. I would be so wound up that I wouldn’t eat but half a sandwich and I would drink a lot… now I do the same thing I just get wound up emotionally over people places and things and I wont eat because my stomachs in knots. I have to start planning meals so im not eating out and eating just processed foods I love to cook as long as im not exhausted and it gets too late for a big meal and the place isn’t a mess so I have to spend an hour cleaning before I even begin to cook I promise myself and those around me I will work on this.

Number 4 Addressing my Past

I’m still a married man. Saturday will be my 11th wedding anniversary and nearly half that time I have been separated from my wife. We went through so much together and I continued to help provide for her medical care up until this year. I have kept her hostage out guilt and this need to try to make it right rather than have it sitting in my face as an ultimate sense of failure. We are loving and caring now as friends, with a lot of water under the bridge there and I need to get more at peace with that. I owe it to myself, and those around me to address it.

PEDESTALS – I saw a few girls I built pretty high pedestals for over my reunion weekend and the reality that I still do that same damn thing really hit me hard… I’m really struggling with it and have been crying nearly every day about my immaturity over all of them.

I’ll never be able to let go or live without… FILL IN THE BLANK.

For those few that have known me for several years, decades, whatever you know I am an emotional animal and intense and codependent and just horrible when it comes to love and affection. I always fall for someone just out of reach and I’m a complete menace to other relationships. I’m not too proud. Just stating a fact that I felt like all I deserved to be and all I ever would be is second fiddle or a side dish. I know better but sometimes I do things to reinforce my own self image of being a loveable loser… I’m not proud of it.

and I don’t know EXACTLY how to make amends for all of it, other than to leave things alone that are better left alone… maybe some day I will have the ability to come to peace with some like I have my (ex) wife…who knows…for today, I give that all up to God to sort out and get the hell out of the way personally.


Number 5 Adopt healthier habits

Hang with the winners as they say… meeting makers make it…so why am I reluctant to try new meetings, become a full time sponsor, hang with more men… my habits have to be of support …for myself… so that I don’t feel all alone and able to fall into depressions like I have. I text. I go online to recovery sites but I am struggling to get back into the halls, or pick up the phone and reach out... I need support with this!
Eat right and exercise more fall right in line…but making sure I have left overs packed for taking my lunch to work to save money… having clothes ready .. Knowing where my keys, wallet and shoes are… etc… being prepared even for upcoming weekend plans...etc.


Number 6 Love with an Open Hand“Hold on loosely” great song lyric and exactly how I need to be... I get possessive, obsessive jealous, insecure and emotional over anyone I fall for…or I begin to get settle and scared it will fall apart like in my past… I start looking for warning signs or exit signs… instead of sitting at the table and ironing it out… I’ll work on it…with everyone
Family friends and anyone new I meet.

To be continued…