15 x 40 .... continued

Seven through Fifteen (part 2 of 15 x 40 --- my commitment to change)

Number 7 Become more Engaged in things

I am very good at reaching out online…for some reason I process written words better than oral conversations. I tend to get more details and maybe it’s the simple fact I can go back and process them again if I need to reread…so how can I be more engaged with people that think and live in an opposite fashion?

Well first off I need to accept that about them and find a common ground. My girlfriend and I have huge communications issues in this area and I think I resent that she can do what I can not… as well as allowing it to be a barrier to understanding each other. Not a good or healthy habit.

Being a friend to men… I don’t do it. Maybe it’s because I find women more open and engaging emotionally as well as that added flair for drama... I know it’s an ego boost and it plays into my codependent and pedestal building aspects of my heart….

Men will call me on my shit just as easily as women but I think there will be a better pay off if I just play nice with the girls …so stupid… where are my values commitments and motivations placed? Yeah it’s not exactly THIS cut and dry but its bad enough I need to call myself out here.


Number 8 Find my Family

This past summer has been VERY difficult for vacations. MY 20th class reunion as well as an extended family reunion… both of which required long distance travel with the family of my making here in Massachusetts coming along for the ride… WHEW!

I’m the youngest child in my own family and the youngest grandchild in my dad’s. I have cousins that remember me at 3 years old when my grandparents died or not much older… to try to reconnect now years later has been difficult…and THANK GOD for facebook that we are even willing to try again…

My nieces and nephews are all in Georgia or Indiana. I get to see them at most 10 days a year and some probably 10 days in their lifetime. How pathetically sad. I try my best to keep in touch but I’m horrible about birthday cards and phone calls. I message the older ones now on facebook and I’m trying to be the uncle I never was… can’t change the past but I know the damage is done and I regret it.

Asking for help. My family hasn’t come to see me here in Massachusetts in close to a decades time and im rather resentful. I’ve been through a lot of upheaval in my personal life and I know that’s part of it but I need them to come see me and I struggle to say that.


Number 9 Find my Friends

Be a friend. Period. I don’t call often. I text a lot. I’m not making many meetings so I don’t see my friends often. I’m not a big get together planner and I moved 45 minutes away from most of my friends 2 years ago and I have yet to recover from it. Finding a new home group, local sponsor or new friends..while holding on to the old and trusted ones I do have. I need to reach out and I’m getting scared of my own shadow lately.

I need to reconnect with my North Attleboro friends, my Marietta friends now after my reunion….and I need to make new ones… workout partners… people that like to go to games…red sox, bruins etc…concert going friends… I need to get out of the house…way from the computer and the TV… its not enough to watch college football texting a friend about it when I could be sitting at a sports bar sharing some wings and high fives.
I can’t even remember the last time I did something as simple as that.

Number 10 Explore my Environment

I absolutely love to travel. I make a Mecca to a civil war site every year. A Few years back I went around Richmond and saw the monuments… a few times I have travelled down to Antietam, Fredericksburg and my fave is Gettysburg. It’s a peaceful retreat…something I have always been drawn towards.

My ex-wife’s family lives in Vermont and I miss going up north…especially in the fall to see the leaves and the winter…where I used to go snowmobiling. Lately it seems I’ve made more friends in the state of Maine and I hope to explore that area as well as reconnect with some friends in the Connecticut area and really see what is around here…

I want to visit friends in other cities…and my family more… finds out what in this world makes me come alive… Boston did years ago. I love the almost European feel and the vibrant people and neighborhoods. I want to visit friends in NYC and relearn the state of Georgia in a long vacation…

We make plans to go to fright fest out in six flags or other Halloween plans. I need to break the mundane patterns and allow myself to have fun on a more frequent basis.


Number 11 Pushing my Limits

Stepping out of my comfort zone… HARD STEP for me… even this note is another continuing step to be more opened honest and raw with those that care to know me.
It’s easy to come on facebook and play Farmville… its easy for me to share or post a positive quote or send a funny joke or a meditation that inspires me…
But to get personal and maybe say
I want to go horse back riding again like I did as a child. I want to relearn to water ski or snow ski… I want to learn to drive a stick shift car because I can’t remember how…
And not beat myself up for trying new things and struggling to learn…etc

Number 12 Face EVERYTHING and RECOVER!

This is all about f.e.a.r – do I f@#$ everything and run or face my fears and do the next right thing… pay my old bills; address my tax situation, my credit, my loans…
My retirement plan… do I address my teeth and my fear of dentists…
Do I address the fact that I haven’t been working the steps… all of which fall in line with my plan to change… I must not let myself get so OVERWHELEMED that I stop my inertia and stop completely! I have lately.

Number 13 Find my Calling / Find my Faith

I don’t particularly consider the job I do to be life changing or pay it forward type of job…I’m one of those people that wants to feel like I am making a difference…
But I’m always afraid to be right on the front lines in life…

AA allows me a healthy and comfortable place to be of service. I must get more involved. But even beyond that how can I reach out.
I’ve had a lot of thoughts of kids lately… maybe being a little league coach or referee for leagues would be a fun and healthy outlet... I am not sure I could handle it though.

I’ve considered going back to school to become a counselor of some sort. Drug addiction or some sort of certification where I could work or stay in a halfway house as an overnight help or help to run meetings or drive people to meetings… something more encouraging and rewarding. I’m less scared to do something like that but I am scared to make it a full time career.

My job might soon be changing and I am apprehensive about it… I’m keeping one eye open on other jobs both in Boston as well as Atlanta.

I need to get back to church. I am going to try a group called Celebrate recovery at a local church and see if I can make some connections there… else I will go visit with my friend Paul who plays guitar at a church – I need a spiritual connection outside of just AA. I need to get back to reading my bible again. I’m reading passages online and finding a lot of support but I also need the fellowship of faith.

Number 14 LEAD BY EXAMPLE!

Am I being the best example to people younger than me? Am I a good pseudo step parent? Am I a loving and caring uncle? AM I losing my cool when things don’t go my way? Am I cursing more than I should? Do I treat those I love with respect?

Would I want kids to live the way I am?

Am I willing to sponsor and get more involved with those that ask for help?

Number 15 reclaim my self image

If at this point I don’t feel better about myself then I need to go back to the previous stuff!! My friend has pledged to make improvements by April 15, 2011. I too will be taking a “reassessment” on that date : )

And please I ask all that notice my progress to continue to tell me I’m doing well I need that reinforcement. Thanks for reading ALL THE WAY THROUGH
I hope you will join me in my journey.