confessions of a teenage wallflower @ 20th reunion

I’ve been OVERWHELMED -- confessions of a teenage wallflower….


Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover...Mark Twain

Well, I don’t even know how to start this other than to start with this past weekend… it was my 20th high school reunion… (Thank you Todd and Tisha and Paula AGAIN
For your efforts for such a memorable evening)

I was overwhelmed from the get go about whether I should even go! I wasn’t a popular guy and I certainly didn’t put myself out there in school… I never went on a single date while I was at Walton. This is the best way I can describe it to people… I played rec. league sports… people knew me because my dad was always the coach. I tried out for school teams but would last the first round of cuts for basketball but never make the team. I was friends with the jocks but not on the team. I played violin in middle school so I knew the marching band geeks but wasn’t one of them either. My older sister had been a cheerleader but had graduated before I started freshman year so I knew some cheerleaders but wasn’t like they knew me.

I was on the math team and chess club…that was more my style but I was never the smartest or best player…always felt like the bottom rung of whatever scene I tried to fit into and basically tried to be a jack of all trades and master of none.

I don’t think people were overly MEANSPIRITED to me personally. Sure I had braces and I have a big nose… I know I heard the phrase “yentyl” used in the lunchroom about me but whatever… I mean we all went through something right?

East cobb has a reputation of being kind of a trophy wife, snobby, pretentious and aristocratic type of area… hell some even take pride in it… for me… my parents weren’t the richest ones… my parents came from farm land and Midwest values…
We had ENOUGH and as the last of 4 I knew better than to expect a new car at 16 or upon graduation… my first car was one that I bought off my dad…I was the 6th driver of it in my family I think…and funny the Engine seized on that too!! (Like my van)

So anyway you can see that I felt ok about myself but I never let on that I never felt all that good about not fitting in and being shy and quiet and a wallflower didn’t help matters… people were nice and polite but I didn’t let anyone in too deep…

By the time of our senior year I was dealing with some suicidal issues… ones I never told anyone about… I drank nearly every day once I turned 18 or so
…and I learned to not let ANYONE see me…
My mom had been raised in an environment that I just knew there wouldn’t be open tolerance. Again I still struggle to this day to find a strong memory of our senior year…


So back to today…what has changed… well I think I was SCARED of the reunion…for a lot of reasons… I have used facebook to REACH OUT to people I didn’t get to know then…some have been awesome friends and developed into what they should have been all along…some have told me about their trials and tribulations since school and we have grown close… I’m very fond of those that have taken the time to let me know them….

I’ve taken the chance to try to express my heart – sharing the fact that I had 1000 crushes… and taking a second chance to say I regret not trying or not saying a word about it… sure I mighta been the creepy dude that didn’t know how to open up…
Hell I’ve lost friends in the past few years over how I have expressed how I felt then or how I feel lucky to have a second chance to get to know people again.

• If I’ve embarrassed anyone by saying this…
• well this is my confession and I’m not naming names here anyway *

So I had all this trouble getting down from Boston… my van died… I rented a car... I didn’t get the chance to see my family members like I wanted to do…and I had a fight with my mother before I even came down… not good stuff…bad karma for sure….

So Friday night I go to the football game…and I notice someone I want to say sorry too…someone there was drama over and I don’t know to say hi because well it would be disrespectful of current relationships… and I fall right back into being 15. Ignoring…avoiding and clamming up to the point of making myself sick.

So I felt HORRIBLE that avoided like 2 dozen of you at the game… I did the best I could and I will regret not saying or speaking up more…but it is what it is now…

The same things happened on Saturday. I have been sober now for 16 years… THANK GOD and I knew their would be an open bar and I know enough to take caution and prepare myself. I was a bit keyed up as the nerves of seeing everyone really had me on edge…

Another disclaimer: no judgments on the weekend’s festivities…again this is written about me and my reactions … in order for me to process and to share my life with you.

So I introduce my girlfriend to a few people …some she has come to know from their personality on facebook and the things I have shared of my past and who was really important to me back then and who I hope to run into …etc…

So we make our way around and eventually we settle on sitting off to the side, far away from the bar area… fine. I can deal with this. I know I will have to get up and mingle more but as I am just about comfy to do that people started working their way over to me…very cool…
It was a surreal night as I came to know people more in 10 minute conversations more than I did in 4 years of school together… and it hit me…I was again off in the corner being a wallflower…but I was doing the best I could… some people talked to me that I never knew…some stopped by and told me that my words of inspiration in facebook meant something to them…wow…what a trip! I’m spinning as the evening goes… I see people I want to talk to and some I make it to see and others stop and say hi…

One friend stops me by the food and smiles and just seems so excited to see me… im floored…wow this is great…. And I am polite and work my way back to my girlfriend with some food and make sure she’s ok.

Some of my good friends talk and get to know her and I think …ya she’s a wallflower too but she’s awesome and gets along great with my closest of friends… how lucky I am to have her in my life these days as it’s been a real struggle for me to give my heart completely after a failed marriage.

So anyway I could ramble on some more…but this is kind of the conclusion that HIT ME HARDEST this weekend


I've come to realize that I never really took the time to get to know people or for them to get to know me back in the day. High school was so overwhelming for me and the reunion really was difficult in that way but I wouldn’t miss it for the world...

If I didn’t say hi… I meant to…if I talked to you for 5 minutes I meant to talk to you for an hour…if I avoided you a bit because of drinking…that’s on me… I should been strong enough to talk to you but I did what I had to protect myself…
No judgments…

I’ve been in a funk lately over all of this… wanting to say hi here, and not talking enough or putting myself out there… with that being said ….
You all meant more to me then I ever let on…and you still mean the world…
You were part of my foundation in my life and I truly miss you all more than I ever tell you.

Thanks for a great weekend that has opened my eyes to a lot of goodness and grace in my life… truly thankful that I got to spend time with y’all.

♥♥♥ I truly love y’all ♥♥♥