THE BEATLES - YOU'VE GOT TO HIDE YOUR LOVE AWAY

Heard this this morning and made me chuckle and smile...
of course they played it right after
(I'm just a sucker with no )Self Esteem by the Offspring

THE BEATLES - YOU'VE GOT TO HIDE YOUR LOVE AWAY

Here I stand head in hand
Turn my face to the wall
If she's gone I can't go on
Feelin' two-foot small

Everywhere people stare
Each and every day
I can see them laugh at me
And I hear them say

Hey you've got to hide your love away
Hey you've got to hide your love away

How could I even try
I can never win
Hearing them, seeing them
In the state I'm in

How could she say to me
Love will find a way
Gather round all you clowns
Let me hear you say

Hey you've got to hide your love away
Hey you've got to hide your love away

Dare you to move – Switchfoot

Dare you to move – Switchfoot

Welcome to the planet
Welcome to existence
Everyone's here
Everybody's watching you now
Everybody waits for you now
What happens next

I dare you to move
I dare you to move
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
Like today never happened
Today never happened before

Welcome to the fallout
Welcome to resistance
The tension is here
Between who you are and you could be
Between how it is and how it should be

Maybe redemption has stories to tell
Maybe forgiveness is right where you fell
Where can you run to escape from yourself?
Where you gonna go?
Where you gonna go?
Salvation is here

Just Breathe – Pearl Jam

Just Breathe – Pearl Jam


Yes, I understand that every life must end, uh-huh
As we sit alone, I know someday we must go, uh-huh
Oh I'm a lucky man, to count on both hands the ones I love
Some folks just have one, yeah, others, they've got none

Stay with me...
Let's just breathe...

Practiced all my sins, never gonna let me win, uh-huh
Under everything, just another human being, uh-huh
I don't wanna hurt, there's so much in this world to make me believe

Stay with me
You're all I see...

Did I say that I need you?
Did I say that I want you?
Oh, if I didn't I'm a fool you see
No one knows this more than me

As I come clean...
I wonder everyday, as I look upon your face, uh-huh
Everything you gave
And nothing you would save, oh no

Nothing you would take
Everything you gave...

Did I say that I need you?
Oh, did I say that I want you?
Oh, if I didn't I'm a fool you see
No one knows this more than me
And I come clean, ah...

Nothing you would take
Everything you gave
Hold me til I die
Meet you on the other side...

A Spiritual Experience.

A Spiritual Experience.
Step XII: Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.


Yesterday my boss was riding me hard and I just wanted to tell her and
The whole world to F off...
Lynne had to work late and because of other people running errands I
Didn’t have a ride home til she could pick me up off the train at 8pm
So I stayed in town...
Walked around a few historical sites...graveyard that has Paul Revere,
Ben Franklin’s parents. Hancock. Few politicians and big wigs...like
One of the judges from the Salem witch trials...cool place and things
To do...
Then walked over to an AA meeting that I just love...and one of my AA
Friends in Atlanta text me about to relapse...my phones dying but
Finally got in touch and kept her in good spirits...
Well now I had missed half the meeting and im in the lobby way...
Glass wall behind me overlooking the cemetery that I just told you
About... beautiful fall view... and there’s a man there... sitting in
One of 3 chairs off behind the coffee table...looks lost. Just deep
In thought.
So I sit down and start talking... can smell him...but whatever. Its
AA this is my favorite "city" meeting because it’s across the street
From Boston common where homeless and down and out sleep on park
Benches...within eyesight of the Massachusetts State house up the
Street...
Across the street from the cemetery is Suffolk univ. law school and
There is just a strange assortment of people that attend...
Big wigs, college students, business men in suits... people in jogging
Outfits that ran in the park... homeless... saw a gay couple of men
Wheeling in their daughter... just all types.

So I start talking to this downtrodden man...about life, love,
Money, spirituality... getting by. The nature of men and how easy it is
To judge and discount people.
He was amazingly smart...struggling at life but wise ... had been
Coming to meetings for 37 years..
And yet had struggled to stay away from the bottle in the past 2
Months. He wouldn’t get into great detail about certain things and I
Respected that. I didn’t pry...just wanted to help if I could...
But the reality is I wouldn’t have been able to change his
Reality...all I could ever do is lift his spirits and give him a
Different perspective on what he had been going through recently.
He changed my mind...about how I was feeling about my own life...about
Perseverance about god about faith and about humanity.... in the
Matter of an hour he had that much power inside him.
God works through people...through conversations and moments in our
Lives...where had we taken a left instead of a right...etc...
I think of this often lately. Having started to reconnect with people
In my past, losing touch with friends...feeling a need to reconnect
With my family...etc.

He just had a lot of wisdom, caring and just a gentle soul.

He told me about going to the bank and realizing that he smelled from 6 days of no showers. Girl possibly kicked him out from what I gathered but not completely out living on streets from the look of things. He insisted he had a place to stay. He goes to work for a newspaper company and had 40 cents left after buying his Charlie Train card...food, Etc
he had just put his pea coat in the dry cleaners so that he could go on a job interview Monday. With what little he had.
He was embarrassed because it was dirty and smelly and the lady had to ring it out and just looked at him. He goes people judge they can be so cruel... we talked about how people when they bundle up in winter they bundle up emotionally too…
We become cold and distant…
He had just taken a trip by train out west to San Diego and San Francisco and Texas for some work he had to do he insisted.
The man was sharp minded, sensitive, prideful and compassionate. Gentle in spirit and demeanor.

I told him did the jacket keep ya warm? ya... did it do what its designed to do? ya... then SO WHAT! Why you worried about what she thinks. Her job is to be of service and clean it up for you.
so you can look good and carry yourself well and keep your chin up for this interview...
he was telling me about talking to a young guy that wasn’t in AA about spiritual stuff and god and how he "didn’t get it"
and I said that’s why you got to come here... be around people that understand you...
and he had been coming for 37 years...struggling drinking again for the last 2 months it seems ... and wow just a great man.
There is alot of possibilities in life and I need to stop and see them
As positives. Anyway... im rambling but im in a much better mood after a very long
And trying week
Hard to really describe but the kind of guy you would walk past on the street...well most would... you might not :)

The reality is I could have walked by this man and never seen him again. Now I hope to see him again next Thursday. I insisted I would try my best to be there for him. That’s all I can really give most anyone… my time and attention. I can’t change his life I can’t take away the pain he seemed to be in…but for a moment he smiled…and even though his teeth were dingy it was the prettiest smile I have seen in years…because it was pure joy. Someone had shown me dignity and taken the time to talk to me and me with him. The generation gap between us had left.
I may never see him again. I might see him Thursday. Doesn’t really matter only that I let the spirit of the moment settle in and change me for the better.

EMBRACE

EMBRACE

It's a delicate dance
this romance
but it can end up with
something much sweeter than
just touching your lover's face.

To touch their hearts
and they allow you to stay.
THAT is the sweetest embrace.

A Tearful End to Summer

I believe this was written last year like exactly a year ago...enjoy


A Tearful End to Summer

As Summer Ends I get even more reflective
Like a young mother rushing to send her kids off
To catch the fast approaching school bus
Or gently holding hands with the scared little
Child on the very first day of school

Sharply dressed with the latest fashions of the day
Never to forget the hippest of accessories as well
Praying my little girl can make it on her own
It can be so very cruel sometimes
Never counting on the tears the parents shed
When they are back home alone

Some months seem to go by like fast forward
September always has been that way for me

The end of summer brings a serious chill all around
Not just in the air but of the hearts and minds as well.
Morning frosts soon will come
More and more people begin to bundle up
Not just their clothing but their openness and emotions too.

Like the seasons change, people change with the passage of time
I’m feeling older yet immature and in the way
More and more with each passing day

Seriously jaded and slightly cynical
Less brilliant than the bright eyed school boy
I do so vividly remember from my past

The one that would come running home from school
Only to dart back out to catch the very last of the sun’s rays
A setting sun reminding me that the days will get shorter yet again

Will this summer love pass the test of time?
Changing leaves making me consider
the possible change of feelings I turn and face
an unexpected and uncertain future with greater frailty

The hardy fall mums beginning to bloom
And the healthy lawns of summer soon to be covered
Yet again with gently falling leaves, pine straw and cones

Oh autumn, why do you return with such a harshness today
Almost more painful in your subtle ways
Not quite as dramatic as your sister season
Who seems to arrive like unexpected company
Bringing the onslaught of gray snow banks and sloppy streets.
You seem to end with the magic of subtle snowflakes
But you come to take away the brightest of our days

The changing climates seem to have a bitter affect.
Hardening all of us as we come of age
We grow to understand that our time is far from limitless

We make new school friends and utter promises
To the boys of summer we hope to meet once again
Sending notes to long ago and far away acquaintances
As I realize more and more what could have been
Had I shared my life and spent my time more wisely

Oh September, you can be so painfully cruel
With the wisdom of an old sage you bring to us
Each and every fall as summer comes to a tearful end

It’s Never Easy

It’s Never Easy

It’s never easy when you have to share your affections
With someone out there that can’t give you their all
It’s never easy when you have to share your attention
With someone whose sole aim is to parent and provide

Life has given us new technology. Feeble attempts to reconnect
Only to have me listening on the cellie as we constantly complain
Traffic talk. I get to hear all the angry moments of your life
Crying out in Congestion that no one does what we expect at all

It s never easy when the bills and the babies come between us
It’s never easy when you’re travelling for work out of town
It’s never easy to love someone that you can’t just lay down next to
Cuddle up and snuggle and feel their hand upon your thigh

The loving touch of someone that you care way too much about
To ever just stop and let them just walk right out of your life

It’s never easy when you see the beauty of this world around you
Knowing there is only so much you can ever have and hold tonight

It’s never easy when you love someone with all this passion
So much left unsaid when the love slowly seems to subside

Copyright 2010 (written October 8, 2010 10am)

15 x 40 .... continued

Seven through Fifteen (part 2 of 15 x 40 --- my commitment to change)

Number 7 Become more Engaged in things

I am very good at reaching out online…for some reason I process written words better than oral conversations. I tend to get more details and maybe it’s the simple fact I can go back and process them again if I need to reread…so how can I be more engaged with people that think and live in an opposite fashion?

Well first off I need to accept that about them and find a common ground. My girlfriend and I have huge communications issues in this area and I think I resent that she can do what I can not… as well as allowing it to be a barrier to understanding each other. Not a good or healthy habit.

Being a friend to men… I don’t do it. Maybe it’s because I find women more open and engaging emotionally as well as that added flair for drama... I know it’s an ego boost and it plays into my codependent and pedestal building aspects of my heart….

Men will call me on my shit just as easily as women but I think there will be a better pay off if I just play nice with the girls …so stupid… where are my values commitments and motivations placed? Yeah it’s not exactly THIS cut and dry but its bad enough I need to call myself out here.


Number 8 Find my Family

This past summer has been VERY difficult for vacations. MY 20th class reunion as well as an extended family reunion… both of which required long distance travel with the family of my making here in Massachusetts coming along for the ride… WHEW!

I’m the youngest child in my own family and the youngest grandchild in my dad’s. I have cousins that remember me at 3 years old when my grandparents died or not much older… to try to reconnect now years later has been difficult…and THANK GOD for facebook that we are even willing to try again…

My nieces and nephews are all in Georgia or Indiana. I get to see them at most 10 days a year and some probably 10 days in their lifetime. How pathetically sad. I try my best to keep in touch but I’m horrible about birthday cards and phone calls. I message the older ones now on facebook and I’m trying to be the uncle I never was… can’t change the past but I know the damage is done and I regret it.

Asking for help. My family hasn’t come to see me here in Massachusetts in close to a decades time and im rather resentful. I’ve been through a lot of upheaval in my personal life and I know that’s part of it but I need them to come see me and I struggle to say that.


Number 9 Find my Friends

Be a friend. Period. I don’t call often. I text a lot. I’m not making many meetings so I don’t see my friends often. I’m not a big get together planner and I moved 45 minutes away from most of my friends 2 years ago and I have yet to recover from it. Finding a new home group, local sponsor or new friends..while holding on to the old and trusted ones I do have. I need to reach out and I’m getting scared of my own shadow lately.

I need to reconnect with my North Attleboro friends, my Marietta friends now after my reunion….and I need to make new ones… workout partners… people that like to go to games…red sox, bruins etc…concert going friends… I need to get out of the house…way from the computer and the TV… its not enough to watch college football texting a friend about it when I could be sitting at a sports bar sharing some wings and high fives.
I can’t even remember the last time I did something as simple as that.

Number 10 Explore my Environment

I absolutely love to travel. I make a Mecca to a civil war site every year. A Few years back I went around Richmond and saw the monuments… a few times I have travelled down to Antietam, Fredericksburg and my fave is Gettysburg. It’s a peaceful retreat…something I have always been drawn towards.

My ex-wife’s family lives in Vermont and I miss going up north…especially in the fall to see the leaves and the winter…where I used to go snowmobiling. Lately it seems I’ve made more friends in the state of Maine and I hope to explore that area as well as reconnect with some friends in the Connecticut area and really see what is around here…

I want to visit friends in other cities…and my family more… finds out what in this world makes me come alive… Boston did years ago. I love the almost European feel and the vibrant people and neighborhoods. I want to visit friends in NYC and relearn the state of Georgia in a long vacation…

We make plans to go to fright fest out in six flags or other Halloween plans. I need to break the mundane patterns and allow myself to have fun on a more frequent basis.


Number 11 Pushing my Limits

Stepping out of my comfort zone… HARD STEP for me… even this note is another continuing step to be more opened honest and raw with those that care to know me.
It’s easy to come on facebook and play Farmville… its easy for me to share or post a positive quote or send a funny joke or a meditation that inspires me…
But to get personal and maybe say
I want to go horse back riding again like I did as a child. I want to relearn to water ski or snow ski… I want to learn to drive a stick shift car because I can’t remember how…
And not beat myself up for trying new things and struggling to learn…etc

Number 12 Face EVERYTHING and RECOVER!

This is all about f.e.a.r – do I f@#$ everything and run or face my fears and do the next right thing… pay my old bills; address my tax situation, my credit, my loans…
My retirement plan… do I address my teeth and my fear of dentists…
Do I address the fact that I haven’t been working the steps… all of which fall in line with my plan to change… I must not let myself get so OVERWHELEMED that I stop my inertia and stop completely! I have lately.

Number 13 Find my Calling / Find my Faith

I don’t particularly consider the job I do to be life changing or pay it forward type of job…I’m one of those people that wants to feel like I am making a difference…
But I’m always afraid to be right on the front lines in life…

AA allows me a healthy and comfortable place to be of service. I must get more involved. But even beyond that how can I reach out.
I’ve had a lot of thoughts of kids lately… maybe being a little league coach or referee for leagues would be a fun and healthy outlet... I am not sure I could handle it though.

I’ve considered going back to school to become a counselor of some sort. Drug addiction or some sort of certification where I could work or stay in a halfway house as an overnight help or help to run meetings or drive people to meetings… something more encouraging and rewarding. I’m less scared to do something like that but I am scared to make it a full time career.

My job might soon be changing and I am apprehensive about it… I’m keeping one eye open on other jobs both in Boston as well as Atlanta.

I need to get back to church. I am going to try a group called Celebrate recovery at a local church and see if I can make some connections there… else I will go visit with my friend Paul who plays guitar at a church – I need a spiritual connection outside of just AA. I need to get back to reading my bible again. I’m reading passages online and finding a lot of support but I also need the fellowship of faith.

Number 14 LEAD BY EXAMPLE!

Am I being the best example to people younger than me? Am I a good pseudo step parent? Am I a loving and caring uncle? AM I losing my cool when things don’t go my way? Am I cursing more than I should? Do I treat those I love with respect?

Would I want kids to live the way I am?

Am I willing to sponsor and get more involved with those that ask for help?

Number 15 reclaim my self image

If at this point I don’t feel better about myself then I need to go back to the previous stuff!! My friend has pledged to make improvements by April 15, 2011. I too will be taking a “reassessment” on that date : )

And please I ask all that notice my progress to continue to tell me I’m doing well I need that reinforcement. Thanks for reading ALL THE WAY THROUGH
I hope you will join me in my journey.

Fifteen By Forty (15x 40 part one of challenging myself to change)

Fifteen By Forty (15x 40 part one of challenging myself to change)

So here it goes…. Carpe diem as they say… and well this is going to be a long winded note so go get your coffee and make sure the kids and cats and all are well fed or on their way to bed or whatever… ok here it goes…

I’m not happy and content today with my life as is and I’m struggling so hard to do even one thing each day to work towards fixing even one single aspect of it.

There…. I finally said it… and I admitted to other people… I’ve been depressed…and for quite a while... and I need your help to help me through some changes…

The past 6 months or so have really changed me… I see the world from a much different perspective now as I look on a horizon line that includes me turning 40 years old in January of 2012… maybe the world really is going to end in 2012…because I’m one of those that the Who spoke about “ I hope I die before I get old “

When I compare my generation to my parents I know I fall short but it’s really beyond ridiculous. At the age of 40 my dad was well entrenched in his career, one that he enjoyed and on his 4th different major city assignment with IBM. He had 4 kids, 2 cars in the garage and I’m sure a pretty hefty mortgage that I never heard him argue about…sure there was the occasional argument with my mother about her inability to balance a checkbook but my God it just seems so smooth in retrospect.

Around the age of 40 my mom was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. I heard some things or thought I did when the doctors talked to my dad and I know I basically wrote off that my mother wouldn’t get better…there was also a long episode of her dealing with a slipped disc in her back… traction and getting off pain meds… not fun time for 10 yr old little boy….

I say this to set up perspective… I finally saw the fragility of the human condition that things change at a moment’s notice and that even adults are somewhat powerless to change it and struggle to protect or shadow even the most fragile of children from what I now lovingly refer to as the “harsh realities of life”

So what about today? What bout my life you say…. Well I’m now 15 months from turning 40… I haven’t been taking good care of myself and I have fallen into one of the deepest ruts I’ve been in quite a while. My reunion coming and going has really done a number on my spirits and has been like a slap across my face as to how I have been living my life.

I’ve been able to maintain a substance free lifestyle for over16 years now… to some they would call it sober. to others they call it clean…well I’m not so sure that every act or detail or thought process I have gone through has been of sane and sober mind… I still “act out” and I have used people places and things to ease my pain along the way… some with extremely detrimental consequences to myself and those I love.

With that being said I know I can stay away from alcohol and other forms of addiction. I know that with loving support and steadfast determination and a right relationship with the God of my understanding that I can feel empowered and even strengthened on a daily basis by my ability to do an about face and learn to live a different way of life.

I am seeing the need to do that in my personal life today… where do I start?

Well I think I need to remind myself of the basics… things that in time of great depression or great stress that I often have to remind myself of…. And make them a habit again. Early in my recovery I was told to act as if… and mirror my behavior in reverse… meaning if I was ever willing to drive 2 hours out of my way for a party full of booze and babes then I was going to have to be willing to drive 2 hours out of my way for a meeting full of men… and listen and learn… and so I did…and I have…and I will..
Because the benefits of meetings, fellowship and camaraderie have helped me to overcome my self centered fears and my addictions…

So what habits can I address today? Well I haven’t been eating right. When I get depressed or feel guilty or want to punish myself I often times stop eating. I don’t cook I don’t clean the kitchen. I get a really nervous stomach when stressed and it often times will upset it for days so I have learned to eat small meals or hardly anything at all… not good. Today I stopped for a donut… now before you get on me about it… this is actually a small good step… as I more times than not don’t even eat before 1pm and often times not till 5pm at night. Not good… not good at all and I wonder why im tired run down and depressed?

So ok well I’m running on here but I think you can begin to see where my issues stem and I have to make lists and make goals for myself…

Here it goes…15 steps to change by the age of 40…..

Number 1 Admittance and Acceptance

Monday night I will be going back to my therapist to address my lingering depression… the fact that for nearly a month now I have had more days where I cry then not…
That as a man diagnosed with Bipolar and A.D.D. that I might possibly need medication to regulate my moods and my sleep pattern as I have hardly slept a solid nights sleep in 6 weeks now.

I have to accept the realities of my chemical imbalance that the stresses I have added have only aggravated my condition.

Number 2 Exercise More

This past summer I began kayaking on the lakes around where I live and absolutely LOVE it…but my struggle from October till April around here is to get more exercise and not fall into lethargic habits. My sponsor runs a spin gym in Rhode Island and I am bound and determined to make it over there and see him… good healthy exercise for the winter months as well as a way to reconnect with him personally or help his business… I also am determined to start running. So many of my friends and fellow classmates have shared there enthusiasm for the sport and benefits…how can I not try?

Basketball, baseball, swimming, kayaking… running and volleyball... I need to go and do more… push my physical limits… so I’m going to join the Y as soon as I can afford to do so.

Number 3 Eating Right

This one is huge… bigger than I let on. See when I did run around and exercise as a kid… I would FORGET to stop and eat. I would be so wound up that I wouldn’t eat but half a sandwich and I would drink a lot… now I do the same thing I just get wound up emotionally over people places and things and I wont eat because my stomachs in knots. I have to start planning meals so im not eating out and eating just processed foods I love to cook as long as im not exhausted and it gets too late for a big meal and the place isn’t a mess so I have to spend an hour cleaning before I even begin to cook I promise myself and those around me I will work on this.

Number 4 Addressing my Past

I’m still a married man. Saturday will be my 11th wedding anniversary and nearly half that time I have been separated from my wife. We went through so much together and I continued to help provide for her medical care up until this year. I have kept her hostage out guilt and this need to try to make it right rather than have it sitting in my face as an ultimate sense of failure. We are loving and caring now as friends, with a lot of water under the bridge there and I need to get more at peace with that. I owe it to myself, and those around me to address it.

PEDESTALS – I saw a few girls I built pretty high pedestals for over my reunion weekend and the reality that I still do that same damn thing really hit me hard… I’m really struggling with it and have been crying nearly every day about my immaturity over all of them.

I’ll never be able to let go or live without… FILL IN THE BLANK.

For those few that have known me for several years, decades, whatever you know I am an emotional animal and intense and codependent and just horrible when it comes to love and affection. I always fall for someone just out of reach and I’m a complete menace to other relationships. I’m not too proud. Just stating a fact that I felt like all I deserved to be and all I ever would be is second fiddle or a side dish. I know better but sometimes I do things to reinforce my own self image of being a loveable loser… I’m not proud of it.

and I don’t know EXACTLY how to make amends for all of it, other than to leave things alone that are better left alone… maybe some day I will have the ability to come to peace with some like I have my (ex) wife…who knows…for today, I give that all up to God to sort out and get the hell out of the way personally.


Number 5 Adopt healthier habits

Hang with the winners as they say… meeting makers make it…so why am I reluctant to try new meetings, become a full time sponsor, hang with more men… my habits have to be of support …for myself… so that I don’t feel all alone and able to fall into depressions like I have. I text. I go online to recovery sites but I am struggling to get back into the halls, or pick up the phone and reach out... I need support with this!
Eat right and exercise more fall right in line…but making sure I have left overs packed for taking my lunch to work to save money… having clothes ready .. Knowing where my keys, wallet and shoes are… etc… being prepared even for upcoming weekend plans...etc.


Number 6 Love with an Open Hand“Hold on loosely” great song lyric and exactly how I need to be... I get possessive, obsessive jealous, insecure and emotional over anyone I fall for…or I begin to get settle and scared it will fall apart like in my past… I start looking for warning signs or exit signs… instead of sitting at the table and ironing it out… I’ll work on it…with everyone
Family friends and anyone new I meet.

To be continued…

Just Friends

Just friends

I said to you that were just friends
But there you go once again
Telling me things I might feel
But I can’t believe it’s oh so real

You see I know I’m not the only one
That’s ever heard those words from you
And you know you’re not the only one
In my life that says sweet things too

I said to you that were just friends
Yet you won’t ever seem to let it end
That this could be something so much more
Like heaven knocking on our door

But I have had my heart broke before
By men who pledged there life to me
Only to watch them walk away slowly
To seek comfort in Sirens of the sea

I said to you that were just friends
And there you say love once again
You can’t seem to just let this end
I need you to just listen to me once

I say once again that were just friends
What exactly do you expect from me
My child is my life until the end
And has a good man at home you see

Why do you have to be more than friendly
I never said that friendship would end
Only that I would never leave him
I’m just scared this could end so badly

More Than Friendly

More than Friendly

I guess that was more than friendly
The words I just let out to you
But I’m not saying sorry for that
And I no longer say the word love too

You see sorry I said way too much
No one is willing to believe me anymore
That I might have some guilt and remorse
For the ugly words and the deeds now done

You see I said I love you when I needed to
Get someone off my back or in the sack
I said I love you when still wasn’t so sure
You felt that way about me too, didn’t you?

I guess I was more than friendly
You said you needed someone just to listen
Fed my ego that you would choose little ole me
But I am not such a good ear now you see

I listen with my heart and I watch with my soul
Wanting so desperately to help and to comfort you
I try to find solutions and to save the day too often
I just need to listen to you better than have before

So I guess I was more than friendly
When I told you that I love you one last time
I guess I was more than sorry when I said it
Those words I promised never to utter again

So I am sorry but I do love you
And I think this more than friendly
I may not know what love is just yet
But no longer do I say sorry for feeling…

That this friendship is just beginning
And possibly a love that’s never ending
So no longer sorry for my boldness
For I feel that I will always love you

Don't Cling

Don’t Cling

I tend to hold on to things… sentimental and/or resentfully so.
I want “to have and to hold”…but not TOO TIGHT…

“hold on loosely. But don’t let go.
If you cling to tightly you’re gonna lose it.. lose control”

Gentle like a flower or little bird. Treat me right and love me always…
Even when I am not in sight, I want to know I am on your mind sometimes.
You can go out with friends, but spend some nights with me too.
I want to share a quiet night at home and one out on the town every so often.
Getting comfy with you in sweats or occasionally dressed up for a night
Television, movies, concerts and dancing, game nights or out in the city
Entertaining guests or family and thoughts of children someday soon
I tend to cling to those that bring me joy. I will try my hardest not to strangle “us.”
Room to breathe and an effort to let go… that is what we all need sometimes
In fact accepting others and my own limitations is my challenge of the day.

Do You Even Know?

Do You Even Know?

Do you even know?
How much you mean to me
At times it gets overwhelming
How close I feel to you inside

How fast we have become best friends
How much we have already gone through
How easily we can hurt each others heart
How much more of you I want to learn

Do you even know?
How grateful I am that you are in my life
Do you even know?
How I love to see a sign of life from you

The ringing of the phone
The little message bar that says I have mail
It’s so silly I know
But it all makes me smile inside

Do you even know?
That I wish I could spend
As much time holding you
As I do searching for the words

Do you even know?
That words can't really reach the true meaning
Of how you make me feel inside
Do you even know?

How hard it is for me
To know I am falling faster than I have
How frustrating it is for me
To know I must catch myself constantly

Do you even know?
How much I have grown fond of you
Do you even know?
How sad I am on days we don’t connect

Do you even know?
How much hearing your voice can carry me
Until the end of my day
Until we speak again

I hope you do know
I hope you feel it too
I can't force it inside you
I can't even wish it to be true

I think you know what I mean
I just wanted you to know for sure

For You Alone

I wrote this several years ago. I'm cleaning out my old files on my computer as we are moving offices here at work and I have a fear of losing some of my favorite poetry i have stored on here... in the process of converting them over to my personal emails and files...but in the mean time I have decided in these few days left in October to share some of my better works or ones that still resonate with me personally...Enjoy!

This one is about a girl I liked that kept asking me of the poems i shared were always about her personally....and I'm not so sure she liked my reply as often times I have one or 2 or 3 people, places or experiences on my mind that i try to blend in ... seems no one person can live up to that ideal muse i have in my heart...
some try endlessly while others don't even bother...

the reality is i've always been a bit afraid to make something so bitterly personal...and i've found that in my blending i get a far more pretty and perfect looking poem... and yes i know... i just over explained. :)

Enjoy!


FOR YOU ALONE


Are these Words for me?
Who is this about?
Tell me the story behind it
What exactly were you thinking?

These words you share so beautifully
Express myself in the written form
Wishing it could be so much
More concrete, more tangible

Like the touch and the feel
Of your skin on my fingers
Gaining texture and depth
Thoughts that swirl in my soul

You ASK is this for me?
Of Course it is! Only you!
I want to share my life
Fully and completely

With open arms and open minds
No expectations day by day
So open up your heart
Let me in if you will

I will do the same for you
Make a nest to keep us
Safe and warm and comfortable
Come and I will hold you close

Let me swim in my desires
Come let me hold you
Cradling your beautiful body
Holding you always near my soul

Are these words for your Eyes?
No they are for you Heart!
These words are true and for real
Right now may seem only dreams

Every good builder needs a blueprint
Every aspiring poet has his muse
Every lover needs another
Every man needs a good woman


So this I give to you today
To keep now forever yours
This I pledge to you alone
Never ever will I run

Words - I do mean with all my heart
Expressions of a feeling now
An affirmation of a love that grows
Deep within my soul for you alone

confessions of a teenage wallflower @ 20th reunion

I’ve been OVERWHELMED -- confessions of a teenage wallflower….


Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover...Mark Twain

Well, I don’t even know how to start this other than to start with this past weekend… it was my 20th high school reunion… (Thank you Todd and Tisha and Paula AGAIN
For your efforts for such a memorable evening)

I was overwhelmed from the get go about whether I should even go! I wasn’t a popular guy and I certainly didn’t put myself out there in school… I never went on a single date while I was at Walton. This is the best way I can describe it to people… I played rec. league sports… people knew me because my dad was always the coach. I tried out for school teams but would last the first round of cuts for basketball but never make the team. I was friends with the jocks but not on the team. I played violin in middle school so I knew the marching band geeks but wasn’t one of them either. My older sister had been a cheerleader but had graduated before I started freshman year so I knew some cheerleaders but wasn’t like they knew me.

I was on the math team and chess club…that was more my style but I was never the smartest or best player…always felt like the bottom rung of whatever scene I tried to fit into and basically tried to be a jack of all trades and master of none.

I don’t think people were overly MEANSPIRITED to me personally. Sure I had braces and I have a big nose… I know I heard the phrase “yentyl” used in the lunchroom about me but whatever… I mean we all went through something right?

East cobb has a reputation of being kind of a trophy wife, snobby, pretentious and aristocratic type of area… hell some even take pride in it… for me… my parents weren’t the richest ones… my parents came from farm land and Midwest values…
We had ENOUGH and as the last of 4 I knew better than to expect a new car at 16 or upon graduation… my first car was one that I bought off my dad…I was the 6th driver of it in my family I think…and funny the Engine seized on that too!! (Like my van)

So anyway you can see that I felt ok about myself but I never let on that I never felt all that good about not fitting in and being shy and quiet and a wallflower didn’t help matters… people were nice and polite but I didn’t let anyone in too deep…

By the time of our senior year I was dealing with some suicidal issues… ones I never told anyone about… I drank nearly every day once I turned 18 or so
…and I learned to not let ANYONE see me…
My mom had been raised in an environment that I just knew there wouldn’t be open tolerance. Again I still struggle to this day to find a strong memory of our senior year…


So back to today…what has changed… well I think I was SCARED of the reunion…for a lot of reasons… I have used facebook to REACH OUT to people I didn’t get to know then…some have been awesome friends and developed into what they should have been all along…some have told me about their trials and tribulations since school and we have grown close… I’m very fond of those that have taken the time to let me know them….

I’ve taken the chance to try to express my heart – sharing the fact that I had 1000 crushes… and taking a second chance to say I regret not trying or not saying a word about it… sure I mighta been the creepy dude that didn’t know how to open up…
Hell I’ve lost friends in the past few years over how I have expressed how I felt then or how I feel lucky to have a second chance to get to know people again.

• If I’ve embarrassed anyone by saying this…
• well this is my confession and I’m not naming names here anyway *

So I had all this trouble getting down from Boston… my van died… I rented a car... I didn’t get the chance to see my family members like I wanted to do…and I had a fight with my mother before I even came down… not good stuff…bad karma for sure….

So Friday night I go to the football game…and I notice someone I want to say sorry too…someone there was drama over and I don’t know to say hi because well it would be disrespectful of current relationships… and I fall right back into being 15. Ignoring…avoiding and clamming up to the point of making myself sick.

So I felt HORRIBLE that avoided like 2 dozen of you at the game… I did the best I could and I will regret not saying or speaking up more…but it is what it is now…

The same things happened on Saturday. I have been sober now for 16 years… THANK GOD and I knew their would be an open bar and I know enough to take caution and prepare myself. I was a bit keyed up as the nerves of seeing everyone really had me on edge…

Another disclaimer: no judgments on the weekend’s festivities…again this is written about me and my reactions … in order for me to process and to share my life with you.

So I introduce my girlfriend to a few people …some she has come to know from their personality on facebook and the things I have shared of my past and who was really important to me back then and who I hope to run into …etc…

So we make our way around and eventually we settle on sitting off to the side, far away from the bar area… fine. I can deal with this. I know I will have to get up and mingle more but as I am just about comfy to do that people started working their way over to me…very cool…
It was a surreal night as I came to know people more in 10 minute conversations more than I did in 4 years of school together… and it hit me…I was again off in the corner being a wallflower…but I was doing the best I could… some people talked to me that I never knew…some stopped by and told me that my words of inspiration in facebook meant something to them…wow…what a trip! I’m spinning as the evening goes… I see people I want to talk to and some I make it to see and others stop and say hi…

One friend stops me by the food and smiles and just seems so excited to see me… im floored…wow this is great…. And I am polite and work my way back to my girlfriend with some food and make sure she’s ok.

Some of my good friends talk and get to know her and I think …ya she’s a wallflower too but she’s awesome and gets along great with my closest of friends… how lucky I am to have her in my life these days as it’s been a real struggle for me to give my heart completely after a failed marriage.

So anyway I could ramble on some more…but this is kind of the conclusion that HIT ME HARDEST this weekend


I've come to realize that I never really took the time to get to know people or for them to get to know me back in the day. High school was so overwhelming for me and the reunion really was difficult in that way but I wouldn’t miss it for the world...

If I didn’t say hi… I meant to…if I talked to you for 5 minutes I meant to talk to you for an hour…if I avoided you a bit because of drinking…that’s on me… I should been strong enough to talk to you but I did what I had to protect myself…
No judgments…

I’ve been in a funk lately over all of this… wanting to say hi here, and not talking enough or putting myself out there… with that being said ….
You all meant more to me then I ever let on…and you still mean the world…
You were part of my foundation in my life and I truly miss you all more than I ever tell you.

Thanks for a great weekend that has opened my eyes to a lot of goodness and grace in my life… truly thankful that I got to spend time with y’all.

♥♥♥ I truly love y’all ♥♥♥