on Saturday I will be celebrating 17 years clean and sober, God willing. Today a friends status made me think of a song that helped me through tough times in my life. Enjoy :)
Southern Cross - CSN
Got out of town on a boat
Goin' to Southern islands.
Sailing a reach
Before a followin' sea.
She was makin' for the trades
On the outside,
And the downhill run
To Papeete.
Off the wind on this heading
Lie the Marquesas.
We got eighty feet of the waterline.
Nicely making way.
In a noisy bar in Avalon
I tried to call you.
But on a midnight watch I realized
Why twice you ran away.
Chorus
Think about how many times
I have fallen
Spirits are using me
larger voices callin'.
What heaven brought you and me
Cannot be forgotten.
I have been around the world,
Lookin' for that woman/girl,
Who knows love can endure.
And you know it will.
And you know it will.
When you see the Southern Cross
For the first time
You understand now
Why you came this way
'Cause the truth you might be runnin' from
Is so small.
But it's as big as the promise
The promise of a comin' day.
So I'm sailing for tomorrow
My dreams are a dyin'.
And my love is an anchor tied to you
Tied with a silver chain.
I have my ship
And all her flags are a flyin'
She is all that I have left
And music is her name.
Chorus
Think about how many times
I have fallen
Spirits are using me
larger voices callin'.
What heaven brought you and me
Cannot be forgotten.
I have been around the world,
Lookin' for that woma/girl,
Who knows love can endure.
And you know it will.
And you know it will.
So we cheated and we lied
And we tested
And we never failed to fail
It was the easiest thing to do.
You will survive being bested.
Somebody fine
Will come along
Make me forget about loving you.
At the Southern Cross.
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Friday, August 5, 2011
Hope
Hope
Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune--without the words,
And never stops at all,
And sweetest in the gale is heard;
And sore must be the storm
That could abash the little bird
That kept so many warm.
I've heard it in the chillest land,
And on the strangest sea;
Yet, never, in extremity,
It asked a crumb of me.
~ Emily Dickinson
saw lines of this poem on a friends page today and immediately I went searching for the completely poem. Love it. One of my favorites that I have not seen in a while…today it returned into my life like an old friend…
as I have economic fears with what could be a job strike starting Sunday it was just the perfect thing as I am transitioning in so many aspects of my life and trying not to feel a sense of chaos and overwhelming fear… what we all need is FAITH the opposite side of the coin…turn over fear and you find faith… place it on the table. Fear is there…but hidden. Out of site and always within reach if we turn it over and see it again…so we constantly turn the coin over… returning to faith…and HOPE..
remaining positive about the present conditions and the opportunity for growth and change in the future….. having HOPE today.
Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune--without the words,
And never stops at all,
And sweetest in the gale is heard;
And sore must be the storm
That could abash the little bird
That kept so many warm.
I've heard it in the chillest land,
And on the strangest sea;
Yet, never, in extremity,
It asked a crumb of me.
~ Emily Dickinson
saw lines of this poem on a friends page today and immediately I went searching for the completely poem. Love it. One of my favorites that I have not seen in a while…today it returned into my life like an old friend…
as I have economic fears with what could be a job strike starting Sunday it was just the perfect thing as I am transitioning in so many aspects of my life and trying not to feel a sense of chaos and overwhelming fear… what we all need is FAITH the opposite side of the coin…turn over fear and you find faith… place it on the table. Fear is there…but hidden. Out of site and always within reach if we turn it over and see it again…so we constantly turn the coin over… returning to faith…and HOPE..
remaining positive about the present conditions and the opportunity for growth and change in the future….. having HOPE today.
Monday, August 1, 2011
My Chance to Live
My Chance to Live
When I am willing to do the right thing, I am rewarded with an inner peace no amount of liquor could ever provide. When I am unwilling to do the right thing, I become restless, irritable, and discontent. It is always my choice. Through the Twelve Steps, I have been granted the gift of choice. I am no longer at the mercy of a disease that tells me the only answer is to drink. If willingness is the key that unlocks the gates of hell, it is action that opens those doors so that we may walk freely among the living.
Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th Edition, “My Chance To Live,” page 317
my thoughts:
I must remember that the key is willingness...and that must be followed by action. inaction and apathy will lead me back to fear , unwillingnes to change or face life on lifes terms. only through taking right actions, however difficult...will my choices become more clear and plentiful.
When I am willing to do the right thing, I am rewarded with an inner peace no amount of liquor could ever provide. When I am unwilling to do the right thing, I become restless, irritable, and discontent. It is always my choice. Through the Twelve Steps, I have been granted the gift of choice. I am no longer at the mercy of a disease that tells me the only answer is to drink. If willingness is the key that unlocks the gates of hell, it is action that opens those doors so that we may walk freely among the living.
Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th Edition, “My Chance To Live,” page 317
my thoughts:
I must remember that the key is willingness...and that must be followed by action. inaction and apathy will lead me back to fear , unwillingnes to change or face life on lifes terms. only through taking right actions, however difficult...will my choices become more clear and plentiful.
Friday, July 15, 2011
i need you to remind me
Remind me when I think I know whats best for people...
to keep it to myself.
Remind me to not trust a soul.
Remind me that i'm better off alone.
Remind me that when I think I can help someone...
that i might be able to..
but at the detriment of my own well being and sanity
Remind me....constantly because i forget...so easily
to keep it to myself.
Remind me to not trust a soul.
Remind me that i'm better off alone.
Remind me that when I think I can help someone...
that i might be able to..
but at the detriment of my own well being and sanity
Remind me....constantly because i forget...so easily
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Saving Troubled Souls
Saving Troubled Souls
Saving troubled souls and wounded spirits
Hoping to rehabilitate, cohabitate and take flight once again
Those with sanity need not read on
Medicated, intoxicated, but not yet graduated
Study this
My pockets full of gold
but it’s all a game
I’ll lie about my wealth
Tell you I’m in good health
But soon enough you’ll come to know
That pocket full of gold
It’s just A memory
Of another lie once told
A ring of circumstance
Once was golden
That now seems unclear
A hinderance now molded
But what the hell
Go ahead take a shot
The guns half-cocked
But I am not
Stone cold sober
But far from sane
Can’t believe I’m
Seeking Troubled Souls again
A chance encounter
A passing glance is met
Time to wager everything
Then hedge the bet
Go for broke then take it back
Same old story
Sometimes wish life gave more slack
Because once you go
There’s no turning back
Saving troubled souls and wounded spirits
Hoping to rehabilitate, cohabitate and take flight once again
Those with sanity need not read on
Medicated, intoxicated, but not yet graduated
Study this
My pockets full of gold
but it’s all a game
I’ll lie about my wealth
Tell you I’m in good health
But soon enough you’ll come to know
That pocket full of gold
It’s just A memory
Of another lie once told
A ring of circumstance
Once was golden
That now seems unclear
A hinderance now molded
But what the hell
Go ahead take a shot
The guns half-cocked
But I am not
Stone cold sober
But far from sane
Can’t believe I’m
Seeking Troubled Souls again
A chance encounter
A passing glance is met
Time to wager everything
Then hedge the bet
Go for broke then take it back
Same old story
Sometimes wish life gave more slack
Because once you go
There’s no turning back
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Basket Case
going through old poems I have saved here at work. I tend to just type lines up or try to put a few lines together during down times. and i have alot of poems and cuplets saved... this one i even put a note on saying "didnt come out as well as i wanted" ... but now that i look at it again... looks pretty good as is.
BASKET CASE
I’m so sorry I wrote you into the scene
But I can’t help wondering how good it could be
To hold you close to my heart and in my arms
I know you’ve been hurt and I mean no harm
For we all have to stumble til we find whats worth fighting for
If I’ve been too forward or bold , show me the door
And I will go willingly but will stop to say once more
That there is something so special about who you are my friend
And how you make me feel inside is something I don’t ever want to lose
Not just the feeling I have…but you… the person who warms my heart
BASKET CASE
I’m so sorry I wrote you into the scene
But I can’t help wondering how good it could be
To hold you close to my heart and in my arms
I know you’ve been hurt and I mean no harm
For we all have to stumble til we find whats worth fighting for
If I’ve been too forward or bold , show me the door
And I will go willingly but will stop to say once more
That there is something so special about who you are my friend
And how you make me feel inside is something I don’t ever want to lose
Not just the feeling I have…but you… the person who warms my heart
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Powerless over other people
this was my AA email for the day, but felt it fits here as well..
In a way, I had hit another bottom, an emotional, spiritual one this time. I remember every bit of it, and it was rough. I wouldn’t recommend my way to anyone, but finally one night, alone and lost, eaten up with old jealousies, old fears, I was fighting to hang on to the one thing I had, my sobriety. I was near an old panic that many of us know about. I couldn’t, I wouldn’t let myself take a drink, but I had to find a way to overcome the battle inside, to quiet the tensions. Then this happened: I knew I had to admit I was powerless over other people. I had to admit this just as, in order to keep sober, I had to admit I was powerless over alcohol.
I cannot make anyone love me, or even like me.
Oh, I still have some of my active drunk’s talent to create a scene and twist a conversation so someone may be forced into saying what I want to hear, but I have no power to make anyone feel anything. All I can do is work to make myself worthy of love.
As these thoughts came to me – and they came almost in the words I’ve written out here – I felt a great relief. It was Armistice Day - after all these years.
AA Grapevine, January 1961, “People Are Like People”
© 1986, AA Grapevine, Inc., The Best of the Grapevine [volume 2], pages 104-1
In a way, I had hit another bottom, an emotional, spiritual one this time. I remember every bit of it, and it was rough. I wouldn’t recommend my way to anyone, but finally one night, alone and lost, eaten up with old jealousies, old fears, I was fighting to hang on to the one thing I had, my sobriety. I was near an old panic that many of us know about. I couldn’t, I wouldn’t let myself take a drink, but I had to find a way to overcome the battle inside, to quiet the tensions. Then this happened: I knew I had to admit I was powerless over other people. I had to admit this just as, in order to keep sober, I had to admit I was powerless over alcohol.
I cannot make anyone love me, or even like me.
Oh, I still have some of my active drunk’s talent to create a scene and twist a conversation so someone may be forced into saying what I want to hear, but I have no power to make anyone feel anything. All I can do is work to make myself worthy of love.
As these thoughts came to me – and they came almost in the words I’ve written out here – I felt a great relief. It was Armistice Day - after all these years.
AA Grapevine, January 1961, “People Are Like People”
© 1986, AA Grapevine, Inc., The Best of the Grapevine [volume 2], pages 104-1
Monday, June 27, 2011
Sand Castles
Sand Castles
Seems that every singles ad has the same old lines
I like to take long walks on the beach
Who doesn’t enjoy the thought of that?
who doesn’t want to find that someone to share it with?
Sitting here today thinking of sand castles
The artistry and the reason why we make them
Seems every kid growing up has to participate
Like its some fairy tale we all must experience
But what makes a sand castle different is that its not permanent
It’s a moment in time , the effort it takes to build
The person or people that help you
That perfect summer day listening to the breakers
Crash gently upon the shoreline
As the seagulls bark out at the people walking by
Castles made of sand… quickly and suddenly do they disappear
Washed away by the rising tides never to be seen again
And yet we all keep building them over and over
Maybe next time we use better tools. Bigger buckets
Further from the shore with this attempt
To make it last longer and stronger than the last
Ive been dreaming of those long walks on the beach
Holding hands and the sense of peace and calm and contentment
Playing with children in the sand. Teaching them and sharing.
Maybe ive learned some techniques along the way
That lead to prettier designs or stronger walls
Satisfying the soul and bringing smiles to us all
But child and adult alike know that the effort is only temporary
Not meant to last too long just a memory it seems
Lucky to last past the last rays of an evening sun
Descending effortlessly along the horizon
Maybe ive never built a house of stone.
A fortress to protect my childish heart
Seems im too busy building castles made of sand
Not wanting to grow up too fast or too much
And yet I keep ignoring my need for higher ground
Foolishly and stubbornly trying to hold back the tide
Sitting here today thinking of sand castles
Seems that every singles ad has the same old lines
I like to take long walks on the beach
Who doesn’t enjoy the thought of that?
who doesn’t want to find that someone to share it with?
Sitting here today thinking of sand castles
The artistry and the reason why we make them
Seems every kid growing up has to participate
Like its some fairy tale we all must experience
But what makes a sand castle different is that its not permanent
It’s a moment in time , the effort it takes to build
The person or people that help you
That perfect summer day listening to the breakers
Crash gently upon the shoreline
As the seagulls bark out at the people walking by
Castles made of sand… quickly and suddenly do they disappear
Washed away by the rising tides never to be seen again
And yet we all keep building them over and over
Maybe next time we use better tools. Bigger buckets
Further from the shore with this attempt
To make it last longer and stronger than the last
Ive been dreaming of those long walks on the beach
Holding hands and the sense of peace and calm and contentment
Playing with children in the sand. Teaching them and sharing.
Maybe ive learned some techniques along the way
That lead to prettier designs or stronger walls
Satisfying the soul and bringing smiles to us all
But child and adult alike know that the effort is only temporary
Not meant to last too long just a memory it seems
Lucky to last past the last rays of an evening sun
Descending effortlessly along the horizon
Maybe ive never built a house of stone.
A fortress to protect my childish heart
Seems im too busy building castles made of sand
Not wanting to grow up too fast or too much
And yet I keep ignoring my need for higher ground
Foolishly and stubbornly trying to hold back the tide
Sitting here today thinking of sand castles
song that pulls on my heartstrings
just alot on my mind lately... been a rough few days emotions wise. dealing with sick cats, hurt and injured stray... just feeling alot of frustrations in my life and this song came to mind...as i thought of people in my life. a happier time when i felt content and the apple of someones eye...when i hadnt let them down and i was just so amazed that someone wanted to be married to me.
I was introduced to this artist through myspace years ago... and i just have always loved the words and the feelings this song protrays so eloquently. enjoy
COLORADO – by Jill Cohn (2002)
I got all these dreams I drag around like an old blanket
and envy gets the best of me when I think of others who have made it
so much for my maturity
I find myself fighting with me
and you are the warmest place in this great big cold world
so I just want to say
it's all right if it's not today
I just want you to know
from the bottom of my soul
I still love you anyway
my mama she gave me a box of lace and bows
I feel just like a silly hippie girl who dressed up just to miss the show
hitching on the wrong side of the road somewhere down in Colorado
not knowing if its time to go, or will it ever be my time to stay
so I just want to say
it's all right if it's not today
I just want you to know
from the bottom of my soul
I still love you anyway
you got me buying all those kinds of magazines
I'm planning out our future as if you've asked me to be your queen
buy the things I think I need to compete with the pictures I have seen
and you meet my insecurities with love and understanding
so I just want to say
it's all right if it's not today
I just want you to know
from the bottom of my soul
I still love you anyway
©2002 Box O' Beanies Music BMI.
I was introduced to this artist through myspace years ago... and i just have always loved the words and the feelings this song protrays so eloquently. enjoy
COLORADO – by Jill Cohn (2002)
I got all these dreams I drag around like an old blanket
and envy gets the best of me when I think of others who have made it
so much for my maturity
I find myself fighting with me
and you are the warmest place in this great big cold world
so I just want to say
it's all right if it's not today
I just want you to know
from the bottom of my soul
I still love you anyway
my mama she gave me a box of lace and bows
I feel just like a silly hippie girl who dressed up just to miss the show
hitching on the wrong side of the road somewhere down in Colorado
not knowing if its time to go, or will it ever be my time to stay
so I just want to say
it's all right if it's not today
I just want you to know
from the bottom of my soul
I still love you anyway
you got me buying all those kinds of magazines
I'm planning out our future as if you've asked me to be your queen
buy the things I think I need to compete with the pictures I have seen
and you meet my insecurities with love and understanding
so I just want to say
it's all right if it's not today
I just want you to know
from the bottom of my soul
I still love you anyway
©2002 Box O' Beanies Music BMI.
Thursday, June 23, 2011
“ total inability to form a true partnership “
“ total inability to form a true partnership “
But it is from our twisted relations with family, friends, and society at large that many of us have suffered the most. We have been especially stupid and stubborn about them. The primary fact that we fail to recognize is our total inability to form a true partnership with another human being. Our egomania digs two disastrous pitfalls. Either we insist upon dominating the people we know, or we depend upon them far too much. If we lean too heavily on people, they will sooner or later fail us, for they are human, too, and cannot possibly meet our incessant demands. In this way our insecurity grows and festers. When we habitually try to manipulate others to our own willful desires, they revolt, and resist us heavily. Then we develop hurt feelings, a sense of persecution, and a desire to retaliate. As we redouble our efforts at control, and continue to fail, our suffering becomes acute and constant. We have not once sought to be one in a family, to be a friend among friends, to be a worker among workers, to be a useful member of society. Always we tried to struggle to the top of the heap, or to hide underneath it. This self-centered behavior blocked a partnership relation with any one of those about us. Of true brotherhood we had small comprehension.
© 1981, AAWS, Inc., Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, “Step Four,” page 53
This is one of those passages that I read constantly because it is so me…so true and so exactly what drove me to drink and use… and then the drink affected the very thing I was trying to accomplish… feeling closer to others and not so alone and desperate. Thought I’d share my morning email with you today.
But it is from our twisted relations with family, friends, and society at large that many of us have suffered the most. We have been especially stupid and stubborn about them. The primary fact that we fail to recognize is our total inability to form a true partnership with another human being. Our egomania digs two disastrous pitfalls. Either we insist upon dominating the people we know, or we depend upon them far too much. If we lean too heavily on people, they will sooner or later fail us, for they are human, too, and cannot possibly meet our incessant demands. In this way our insecurity grows and festers. When we habitually try to manipulate others to our own willful desires, they revolt, and resist us heavily. Then we develop hurt feelings, a sense of persecution, and a desire to retaliate. As we redouble our efforts at control, and continue to fail, our suffering becomes acute and constant. We have not once sought to be one in a family, to be a friend among friends, to be a worker among workers, to be a useful member of society. Always we tried to struggle to the top of the heap, or to hide underneath it. This self-centered behavior blocked a partnership relation with any one of those about us. Of true brotherhood we had small comprehension.
© 1981, AAWS, Inc., Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, “Step Four,” page 53
This is one of those passages that I read constantly because it is so me…so true and so exactly what drove me to drink and use… and then the drink affected the very thing I was trying to accomplish… feeling closer to others and not so alone and desperate. Thought I’d share my morning email with you today.
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
What if I told you
What if I told you
That I wish you were here...
So that I could show you
How beautiful I think you
Are in more than words...
Let your frustrations out on me
As I ease your fears
With confidence and faith
A tenderness and passion
Beyond any depth you’ve ever known
That I wish you were here...
So that I could show you
How beautiful I think you
Are in more than words...
Let your frustrations out on me
As I ease your fears
With confidence and faith
A tenderness and passion
Beyond any depth you’ve ever known
Thursday, June 16, 2011
All An Act
All An Act
I’m Acting Out
I guess that’s what they call it
But in time I will figure
Just what’s this all about
You’re Acting In
You keep it all bottled up
You cut your skin again
Save the blood in a cup
I would drink for you
If only I could
Just drink over you
Wouldn’t feel very good
To Get Over you
Or Did you get one over on me?
Have you moved on alone
Or do you still like what you see?
See I feel for you
Maybe more that I should
I would be numb-drunk again
If only I could
They say “Act As If”
As if I am there with you?
They say “Act Your Way”
Toward thinking Straight
You know my thoughts are tangents
Do we think the same way?
Acting Up
Like a spoiled little kid
Acting Up
Now they hate me for what I did
Acting Now
You see it’s all an Act
I can’t just be myself
When I’m with you
My fantasies come true
Were you just acting too?
Or did it suddenly all become too real?
I’m Acting Out
I guess that’s what they call it
But in time I will figure
Just what’s this all about
You’re Acting In
You keep it all bottled up
You cut your skin again
Save the blood in a cup
I would drink for you
If only I could
Just drink over you
Wouldn’t feel very good
To Get Over you
Or Did you get one over on me?
Have you moved on alone
Or do you still like what you see?
See I feel for you
Maybe more that I should
I would be numb-drunk again
If only I could
They say “Act As If”
As if I am there with you?
They say “Act Your Way”
Toward thinking Straight
You know my thoughts are tangents
Do we think the same way?
Acting Up
Like a spoiled little kid
Acting Up
Now they hate me for what I did
Acting Now
You see it’s all an Act
I can’t just be myself
When I’m with you
My fantasies come true
Were you just acting too?
Or did it suddenly all become too real?
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
What Is it that you want?
Ive decided to post all my old poetry in the days to come. This one was written at a point of frustration but it seems to take on a subtler,lovelier place in my heart as the years go by now. Enjoy
What Is it that you want?
She asked me" What is it that you want?"
I pulled back not sure if she was being cold or truly unaware of how i felt.
What i want? Isn't that obvious by now?
To be THERE -- on the couch, sharing sodas and snacks
fighting for the remote
and telling you to hang up with your friend so i can start the movie
Watching a chick flick and not feeling all Gay about it either
Cooking a nice meal together..
cleaning up quick so we can go spend time with the child
Before spending a few minutes together too
Talking, Laughing,smiling and kissing
Dealing with the hard days to come - the rain and the sun
Dealing with the pain of the past -- together .. so that we have a bright future
Listening, cuddling ,spooning
Hold hands walking side by side through life
Loving each other more and more each passing moment
Learning to love each other better each and every day
What Is it that you want?
She asked me" What is it that you want?"
I pulled back not sure if she was being cold or truly unaware of how i felt.
What i want? Isn't that obvious by now?
To be THERE -- on the couch, sharing sodas and snacks
fighting for the remote
and telling you to hang up with your friend so i can start the movie
Watching a chick flick and not feeling all Gay about it either
Cooking a nice meal together..
cleaning up quick so we can go spend time with the child
Before spending a few minutes together too
Talking, Laughing,smiling and kissing
Dealing with the hard days to come - the rain and the sun
Dealing with the pain of the past -- together .. so that we have a bright future
Listening, cuddling ,spooning
Hold hands walking side by side through life
Loving each other more and more each passing moment
Learning to love each other better each and every day
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Just for today
Just for today –
Keep me in your hands.
What I have inside is enough.
Show me how to live
Remind me that I can do so without a drink or a drug...
Not using a pill or a person to feel better.
Let me understand altruistic love
And that true intimacy
Keep me in your hands.
What I have inside is enough.
Show me how to live
Remind me that I can do so without a drink or a drug...
Not using a pill or a person to feel better.
Let me understand altruistic love
And that true intimacy
Friday, January 14, 2011
Well I’m not doing so well at the moment.
Well I’m not doing so well at the moment.
Still sober… well substance free…
My thoughts and stuff are a mess… going through a breakup at the moment.
As of Saturday I am staying in the town of South Attleboro with my buddy Paul
And his wife Wendy. He is always so awesome to me and treats me like a kid brother
His wife is nice enough and accommodating but it’s uncomfortable…
Despite their having a spare bedroom. One of my friends Jeff used to live with them for
Several months and I know there is apprehension that I will be there for a while.
I’d rather live alone and even though financially it will be very tight – I think I can manage.
I talked to the new landlord that bought and remodeled my old apartment building. There is a possibility that I could move back into my old apartment as early as this weekend, if I am willing to sign a years lease. I am very seriously considering it at this very moment.
I’m beginning to attend meetings again on the regular after letting them slide to nothing to occasional in the past few years. I haven’t talked to my sponsor in 3 or 4 months time. Well the one I had when I was in the North Attleboro/Attleboro/ Providence/Pawtucket meeting area. I did find a young guy that I liked in Halifax/Hanson/Pembroke area but I kinda lost touch and didn’t keep up. I’m making excuses but I just am struggling to feel connected and okay again. My girlfriend has a large family in the area and I haven’t felt comfortable sharing so openly about it since I don’t know many in meetings anyway and have even less of an idea who would know her or her family (there are 7 kids and several grandkids, nieces and nephews all within shouting distance of the town I was living)
My sister is going through cancer chemo treatment for breast cancer. Stage 2 – tumor is getting smaller and other than weakness and lowe white blood cell counts occasionally it has been going very well. She is such a powerful inspiration and so spiritually sound thati know she will get through this. It’s just difficult because she was a best friend not just a sibling growing up. She now lives in Indianapolis and I cant afford to visit as much as I would like to do.
The rest of my family lives in Georgia and I think we all see the need to stay connected and supportive lately…yet my selfish thought is they never come see me…despite my disease (alcoholic addiction/depression…etc) MY 3 siblings and their families have only visited once – for my wedding. I have lived here 16 years in March…
I don’t even know what I want out of life, love, friends or family. MY job is solid but not very challenging and I think of switching careers, cities, locations as an option if the market ever turns around again.
That’s where I am at. I’m reading a book called the Recovery Devotional bible today – trying to be inspired and merge the faith of my youth with the program I came to love…
Recommitting myself to changing for the better…
That’s where I am today. Many online friends. Supportive family. Hard to reach out in person and feeling like I am turtle shelling and keeping a lot to myself that is dying to come out… and when I reach out its desperate and clingy and comes out all sideways…
Ruining relationships, destroying families and just generally I’M A MESS.
Still sober… well substance free…
My thoughts and stuff are a mess… going through a breakup at the moment.
As of Saturday I am staying in the town of South Attleboro with my buddy Paul
And his wife Wendy. He is always so awesome to me and treats me like a kid brother
His wife is nice enough and accommodating but it’s uncomfortable…
Despite their having a spare bedroom. One of my friends Jeff used to live with them for
Several months and I know there is apprehension that I will be there for a while.
I’d rather live alone and even though financially it will be very tight – I think I can manage.
I talked to the new landlord that bought and remodeled my old apartment building. There is a possibility that I could move back into my old apartment as early as this weekend, if I am willing to sign a years lease. I am very seriously considering it at this very moment.
I’m beginning to attend meetings again on the regular after letting them slide to nothing to occasional in the past few years. I haven’t talked to my sponsor in 3 or 4 months time. Well the one I had when I was in the North Attleboro/Attleboro/ Providence/Pawtucket meeting area. I did find a young guy that I liked in Halifax/Hanson/Pembroke area but I kinda lost touch and didn’t keep up. I’m making excuses but I just am struggling to feel connected and okay again. My girlfriend has a large family in the area and I haven’t felt comfortable sharing so openly about it since I don’t know many in meetings anyway and have even less of an idea who would know her or her family (there are 7 kids and several grandkids, nieces and nephews all within shouting distance of the town I was living)
My sister is going through cancer chemo treatment for breast cancer. Stage 2 – tumor is getting smaller and other than weakness and lowe white blood cell counts occasionally it has been going very well. She is such a powerful inspiration and so spiritually sound thati know she will get through this. It’s just difficult because she was a best friend not just a sibling growing up. She now lives in Indianapolis and I cant afford to visit as much as I would like to do.
The rest of my family lives in Georgia and I think we all see the need to stay connected and supportive lately…yet my selfish thought is they never come see me…despite my disease (alcoholic addiction/depression…etc) MY 3 siblings and their families have only visited once – for my wedding. I have lived here 16 years in March…
I don’t even know what I want out of life, love, friends or family. MY job is solid but not very challenging and I think of switching careers, cities, locations as an option if the market ever turns around again.
That’s where I am at. I’m reading a book called the Recovery Devotional bible today – trying to be inspired and merge the faith of my youth with the program I came to love…
Recommitting myself to changing for the better…
That’s where I am today. Many online friends. Supportive family. Hard to reach out in person and feeling like I am turtle shelling and keeping a lot to myself that is dying to come out… and when I reach out its desperate and clingy and comes out all sideways…
Ruining relationships, destroying families and just generally I’M A MESS.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
I Won’t Let Go
Rascal Flatts – I Won’t Let Go
It's like a storm
That cuts a path
It's breaks your will
It feels like that
You think your lost
But your not lost on your own
Your not alone
I will stand by you
I will help you through
When you've done all you can do
If you can't cope
I will dry your eyes
I will fight your fight
I will hold
you tight
And I wont let go
It hurts my heart
To see you cry
I know it's dark
This part of life
Oh it finds us all
And we're too small
To stop the rain
Oh but when it rains
I will stand by you
I will help you through
When you've done all you can do
And you can't cope
I will dry your eyes
I will fight your fight
I will hold you tight
And I wont let you fall
Don't be afraid to fall
I'm right here to catch you
I wont let you down
It wont get you down
Your gonna make it
Yea I know you can make it
Cause I will stand by you
I will help you through
When you've done all you can do
And you can't cope
And I will dry your eyes
I will fight your fight
I will hold you tight
And I wont let go
Oh I'm gonna hold you
And I wont let go
Wont let you go
No I wont
It's like a storm
That cuts a path
It's breaks your will
It feels like that
You think your lost
But your not lost on your own
Your not alone
I will stand by you
I will help you through
When you've done all you can do
If you can't cope
I will dry your eyes
I will fight your fight
I will hold
you tight
And I wont let go
It hurts my heart
To see you cry
I know it's dark
This part of life
Oh it finds us all
And we're too small
To stop the rain
Oh but when it rains
I will stand by you
I will help you through
When you've done all you can do
And you can't cope
I will dry your eyes
I will fight your fight
I will hold you tight
And I wont let you fall
Don't be afraid to fall
I'm right here to catch you
I wont let you down
It wont get you down
Your gonna make it
Yea I know you can make it
Cause I will stand by you
I will help you through
When you've done all you can do
And you can't cope
And I will dry your eyes
I will fight your fight
I will hold you tight
And I wont let go
Oh I'm gonna hold you
And I wont let go
Wont let you go
No I wont
Monday, January 10, 2011
Endless Possibilities
ENDLESS POSSIBILITIES
FoB
Is sobriety all that we are to expect of a spiritual awakening? Again, the voice of AA speaks up. No, sobriety is only a bare beginning, it is only the first gift of the first awakening. If more gifts are to be received, our awakening has to go on. And if it does go on, we find that bit by bit we can discard the old life - the one that did not work - for a new life that can and does work under any conditions whatever. Regardless of worldly success or failure, regardless of pain or joy, regardless of sickness or health or even of death itself, a new life of endless possibilities can be lived if we are willing to continue our awakening.
Bill W.
AA Grapevine, December 1957, “The Greatest Gift of All”
© 1988, AA Grapevine, Inc., The Language of the Heart, page 234
FoB
Is sobriety all that we are to expect of a spiritual awakening? Again, the voice of AA speaks up. No, sobriety is only a bare beginning, it is only the first gift of the first awakening. If more gifts are to be received, our awakening has to go on. And if it does go on, we find that bit by bit we can discard the old life - the one that did not work - for a new life that can and does work under any conditions whatever. Regardless of worldly success or failure, regardless of pain or joy, regardless of sickness or health or even of death itself, a new life of endless possibilities can be lived if we are willing to continue our awakening.
Bill W.
AA Grapevine, December 1957, “The Greatest Gift of All”
© 1988, AA Grapevine, Inc., The Language of the Heart, page 234
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