Dream House
The fog has lifted the rain has stopped
and I can hear the faint sounds of the songbirds
It is daybreak and it's already brilliantly bright.
A cheerful sunrise on the horizon
I woke up alone but for the first time in years, truly knowing
I am not lonely anymore
You have my heart and I will give it
freely and openly this time around.
I trust you.
I can't wait to see you tonight.
To come home to a happy and loving family.
A cookout on the grill and kids playing in the yard.
How wonderful.
I love this life.
I don't feel I deserve this.
I don't deserve you either.
I haven't done enough to be this blessed and loved so completely.
Life is good. It is becoming great.
I get to join you in this process.
We are rebuilding your castle together.
We will take more care of it this time.
The foundation is being built.
Strong like stone, weathered by the storms.
I want this life. I want you.
I want the sounds of joy and laughter again.
Not mocking sarcastic laughter at anothers misfortunes…
but genuine joy
For a life well lived and the hard work it has taken to keep it up.
I love you.
I love what you represent in my life.
Rebuilding. Renewal. Redemption and recovery.
You are my second chance.
Not many get this.
I won't take it for granted like I have in the past.
Thank you for loving me. I thank god for you every day.
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Sublime
Sublime
I got a text today from my dear ole dad
He called me a fuckball for stealing my moms credit
I took the card from her purse it was brand spanking new
I told him I was drunk and didn't feel like living anymore
So I went to visit my favorite dead people they know me best
I drove to Richmond and Gettysburg my favorite haunts
I traced the names of the dead men and drove away
I climbed the hills and took in the eagles overhead
The birds seem to follow me around when I drove like this
He told me I didn't have the right to steal what wasn't mine
I told him I didn't have a choice as to being born and to whom
I was evil and spiteful and didn't give a damn anyway
I drove back all night and used her card until I couldn't
Seems they catch on when you don't verify who you are
Guess I used it one time too many by the time I hit Carolina
My last few dollars got me home or the place I started from
No where is home when you feel like you don't belong
I never wanted to come back around anyway
The thing about the civil war is I never can choose a side
I have always been able to side with either angle to the story
I can relate to the soldiers going off to die
I feel dead inside so often and want to die for something more
I want that good girl waiting for me to return home
I want to fight for something noble not just to win the argument
So I got a text today from dear ole dad
He told me he loved me and was glad I was sober
So why do I keep having drinking dreams?
I got a text today from my dear ole dad
He called me a fuckball for stealing my moms credit
I took the card from her purse it was brand spanking new
I told him I was drunk and didn't feel like living anymore
So I went to visit my favorite dead people they know me best
I drove to Richmond and Gettysburg my favorite haunts
I traced the names of the dead men and drove away
I climbed the hills and took in the eagles overhead
The birds seem to follow me around when I drove like this
He told me I didn't have the right to steal what wasn't mine
I told him I didn't have a choice as to being born and to whom
I was evil and spiteful and didn't give a damn anyway
I drove back all night and used her card until I couldn't
Seems they catch on when you don't verify who you are
Guess I used it one time too many by the time I hit Carolina
My last few dollars got me home or the place I started from
No where is home when you feel like you don't belong
I never wanted to come back around anyway
The thing about the civil war is I never can choose a side
I have always been able to side with either angle to the story
I can relate to the soldiers going off to die
I feel dead inside so often and want to die for something more
I want that good girl waiting for me to return home
I want to fight for something noble not just to win the argument
So I got a text today from dear ole dad
He told me he loved me and was glad I was sober
So why do I keep having drinking dreams?
Feeling like the Sidewalk
Feeling like the sidewalk
Feeling like the sidewalk
You left me feeling like the sidewalk
You know, trampled on, everyday
Uncared for, unkept, broken, shattered
People walk all over me now
Constantly I crack and crumble day by day
Some uniformed men did a chalk outline
Of the unidentified body they just found
I know exactly how that dead guy must feel
Impressionable children draw a line on me
They hop, skip and bounce with joy
Playful exuberance you might be thinking
But even these juvenile delinquents
Have the nerve to toss rocks at me
Some people even stop to leave
Eternal impressions on me now
But that’s only when I am
Soft enough to let them have their way
Usually I seem to harden on the surface
Right after they leave me alone
Most of the time I just feel stone cold
Weathered by the passage of time
Since you paved this lonesome path
To take right before my very eyes
See how you left me feeling?
Just like a crumbling sidewalk
No one cares to follow me
I don’t turn the corner anymore
Weeds springing up in crevices
I just noticed someone
Planting yellow roses by my side
So beautiful, exactly like you
Because you, its seems, left me
Feeling just like that sidewalk
Feeling like the sidewalk
You left me feeling like the sidewalk
You know, trampled on, everyday
Uncared for, unkept, broken, shattered
People walk all over me now
Constantly I crack and crumble day by day
Some uniformed men did a chalk outline
Of the unidentified body they just found
I know exactly how that dead guy must feel
Impressionable children draw a line on me
They hop, skip and bounce with joy
Playful exuberance you might be thinking
But even these juvenile delinquents
Have the nerve to toss rocks at me
Some people even stop to leave
Eternal impressions on me now
But that’s only when I am
Soft enough to let them have their way
Usually I seem to harden on the surface
Right after they leave me alone
Most of the time I just feel stone cold
Weathered by the passage of time
Since you paved this lonesome path
To take right before my very eyes
See how you left me feeling?
Just like a crumbling sidewalk
No one cares to follow me
I don’t turn the corner anymore
Weeds springing up in crevices
I just noticed someone
Planting yellow roses by my side
So beautiful, exactly like you
Because you, its seems, left me
Feeling just like that sidewalk
Diggin' up Bones
something I wrote several months back... about how i go back over the past so much... i hate it. I am trying to make peace with it all. I know the steps are there for me to use...
i just want to relate better to the world around me.
Lately i have been sorting out the past and putting an end to what needs closure, so that those i care about can move on with grace and dignity.
I re-read this...and realize that today i still feel a bit uneasy.
Diggin' up Bones
I have this sick little life long habit. I think in some ways I picked it up from my mother. She was ,well still is, very much a pack rat. NEVER throwing anything away. Memories, photographs of days gone by, scattered and disorganized but still held on to.
I have begun to become this same very person.
I have this analytical side. I get that from my father. He analyzed software codes for mistakes. I know boring.. noticing mistakes in computer program loops and binary codes was one aspect of his job once. I just couldn't do something so mundane and monotonous but he loved it and made a good deal doing it.
I seem to have picked up some habits from him as well. I analyze things to death. I have this bizarre habit of "diggin' up bones". I guess in a physical sense I do that by studying the lives of family members that have gone before me. I like to know all I can about there lives. Sometimes I have felt disconnected from my extended family… as I grew up nearly 1000 miles from most of them…and I am the youngest grandchild on my dad's side. I hardly got to know my grandparents before they passed and have learned quite a lot about them from love letters they sent each other before they married.
I also like to dig up bones by studying the wars of the past. Particularly the American Civil War. Never before in our nation had we found such a political and economical standstill where no one wanted to back down. I find it fascinating to study what makes us who we are and why people decide to stand and fight.
One of my bizarre habits growing up was to go to the cemeteries in Marietta and take tracing paper and just rub the name of a soldier buried there. It made for some interesting art work and I just kept many of them for years. When I got sober and came online I started to begin to research some of the names. Some to no avail and others to fascinating lists of battles and stories.
Today, well I seem to dig up bones in new ways today. Well old habits but different than the others I mentioned previously. I seem to dig up the pains of my past a lot. I re-analyze relationships and conversations. Days when I felt I slipped up from being who I really want to be. I study emails and card and pictures. I ruminate over words left unsaid and some better left unspoken.
I look at yellowed pictures and papers. I study the smiles and remember and re-live the feelings. Its all sick and sadistic I am sure as I feel stuck so much in my life today.
Seems I have this habit of letting the past out. Repeating my mistakes…funny because that is EXACTLY why I study history so much. TO LEARN not to do those things. OH WELL. Seems lately I say things to convince myself of how I feel and what direction my life is going to take. I know better. I know I am not in control, nor anyone but my higher power(who I choose to call Jesus Christ).
Sometimes when my futures seems uncertain I force things. I push the friendship. I overstep my authority and play the big shot again. It's habits from the past. Old insecurities that still linger deep inside me.
I fear walking through this world alone and yet I am also bound not to settle into a sick situation just because I get scared. I don't know if ANY of this makes sense to anyone but me, I just need to type this out I guess.
I need to not look at my past as this tremendous burden, full of scars and misfortunes and people that turned away. What I need to see is the great amount of love and caring displayed by them as well as myself while I continued to figure out what this life is for.
I have an ounce of hope today. My life will improve if I keep trying. I still dig out the skeletons. I revisit old days and old wounds. I clutter my room by unloading everything and sorting it all out again… it keeps me pre-occupied from the present. A lonely time in my life that seems never ending some days.
I love my life, but I get fearful. Fearing that I may never be as close to someone else or truly understand myself and my life as well as I would care to.
I still have faith. I have to learn to trust myself and others all over again. I know better days are still ahead but today just seems long and torturous. Because I decided to revisit old scars and old mistakes and I dwelled over them all.
I will be ok. Everything will be alright. I know this to be true. I just have to sit and wait… and not over react about my past … my present or my future.
Thanks to whoever managed to read this long ramble and understand any of it…
something I wrote several months back... about how i go back over the past so much... i hate it. I am trying to make peace with it all. I know the steps are there for me to use...
i just want to relate better to the world around me.
Lately i have been sorting out the past and putting an end to what needs closure, so that those i care about can move on with grace and dignity.
I re-read this...and realize that today i still feel a bit uneasy.
Diggin' up Bones
I have this sick little life long habit. I think in some ways I picked it up from my mother. She was ,well still is, very much a pack rat. NEVER throwing anything away. Memories, photographs of days gone by, scattered and disorganized but still held on to.
I have begun to become this same very person.
I have this analytical side. I get that from my father. He analyzed software codes for mistakes. I know boring.. noticing mistakes in computer program loops and binary codes was one aspect of his job once. I just couldn't do something so mundane and monotonous but he loved it and made a good deal doing it.
I seem to have picked up some habits from him as well. I analyze things to death. I have this bizarre habit of "diggin' up bones". I guess in a physical sense I do that by studying the lives of family members that have gone before me. I like to know all I can about there lives. Sometimes I have felt disconnected from my extended family… as I grew up nearly 1000 miles from most of them…and I am the youngest grandchild on my dad's side. I hardly got to know my grandparents before they passed and have learned quite a lot about them from love letters they sent each other before they married.
I also like to dig up bones by studying the wars of the past. Particularly the American Civil War. Never before in our nation had we found such a political and economical standstill where no one wanted to back down. I find it fascinating to study what makes us who we are and why people decide to stand and fight.
One of my bizarre habits growing up was to go to the cemeteries in Marietta and take tracing paper and just rub the name of a soldier buried there. It made for some interesting art work and I just kept many of them for years. When I got sober and came online I started to begin to research some of the names. Some to no avail and others to fascinating lists of battles and stories.
Today, well I seem to dig up bones in new ways today. Well old habits but different than the others I mentioned previously. I seem to dig up the pains of my past a lot. I re-analyze relationships and conversations. Days when I felt I slipped up from being who I really want to be. I study emails and card and pictures. I ruminate over words left unsaid and some better left unspoken.
I look at yellowed pictures and papers. I study the smiles and remember and re-live the feelings. Its all sick and sadistic I am sure as I feel stuck so much in my life today.
Seems I have this habit of letting the past out. Repeating my mistakes…funny because that is EXACTLY why I study history so much. TO LEARN not to do those things. OH WELL. Seems lately I say things to convince myself of how I feel and what direction my life is going to take. I know better. I know I am not in control, nor anyone but my higher power(who I choose to call Jesus Christ).
Sometimes when my futures seems uncertain I force things. I push the friendship. I overstep my authority and play the big shot again. It's habits from the past. Old insecurities that still linger deep inside me.
I fear walking through this world alone and yet I am also bound not to settle into a sick situation just because I get scared. I don't know if ANY of this makes sense to anyone but me, I just need to type this out I guess.
I need to not look at my past as this tremendous burden, full of scars and misfortunes and people that turned away. What I need to see is the great amount of love and caring displayed by them as well as myself while I continued to figure out what this life is for.
I have an ounce of hope today. My life will improve if I keep trying. I still dig out the skeletons. I revisit old days and old wounds. I clutter my room by unloading everything and sorting it all out again… it keeps me pre-occupied from the present. A lonely time in my life that seems never ending some days.
I love my life, but I get fearful. Fearing that I may never be as close to someone else or truly understand myself and my life as well as I would care to.
I still have faith. I have to learn to trust myself and others all over again. I know better days are still ahead but today just seems long and torturous. Because I decided to revisit old scars and old mistakes and I dwelled over them all.
I will be ok. Everything will be alright. I know this to be true. I just have to sit and wait… and not over react about my past … my present or my future.
Thanks to whoever managed to read this long ramble and understand any of it…
Slamming of the Brakes
Slamming of the Brakes
Screeching tires... The slamming of the brakes.
Everyone can't help but laugh hysterically
As we weave in and out of life at a break neck speed
But the fun only lasts so long. Reality hits hard
We are no longer teenagers in this game of love
Time and circumstances demand that we be practical and thoughtful
Emotions only can take you so far in this wacky world
The momentum of new faces and new places fades fast
I have become a cynic and a doubter of heartfelt words
I don't even believe my own mouth at times. I lack trust.
I hate this. Indecisive and still alone. I want more out of life
I hate being so shallow and cold hearted I want to make people happy
But I have come to find out this life is mine to live not anyone else's.
I give away my time and attention too generously, spreading myself thin
Called a slut or a whore by those that get jealous and want even more
But I don't want to live your dream. I know you want it all --
Everyone around you to be happy and within eyesight and earshot.
I can't live your dreams – I am still making sense of my own.
I refuse to settle for something close. I want more from my life
Don't hold me back and I promise I won't do the same.
It will hurt at first but the pain hopefully will motivate us both.
Good bye for now but not for good. Who knows what the roller coaster
Has in store for all of us…but I am going to let go of the bar and feel the breeze
Rushing through my finger tips. Trusting that God has bigger plans for us.
Friends Forever. "More than" Once in this lifetime I have said these words --
I still love and care for all of you and I truthfully mean that.
Screeching tires... The slamming of the brakes.
Everyone can't help but laugh hysterically
As we weave in and out of life at a break neck speed
But the fun only lasts so long. Reality hits hard
We are no longer teenagers in this game of love
Time and circumstances demand that we be practical and thoughtful
Emotions only can take you so far in this wacky world
The momentum of new faces and new places fades fast
I have become a cynic and a doubter of heartfelt words
I don't even believe my own mouth at times. I lack trust.
I hate this. Indecisive and still alone. I want more out of life
I hate being so shallow and cold hearted I want to make people happy
But I have come to find out this life is mine to live not anyone else's.
I give away my time and attention too generously, spreading myself thin
Called a slut or a whore by those that get jealous and want even more
But I don't want to live your dream. I know you want it all --
Everyone around you to be happy and within eyesight and earshot.
I can't live your dreams – I am still making sense of my own.
I refuse to settle for something close. I want more from my life
Don't hold me back and I promise I won't do the same.
It will hurt at first but the pain hopefully will motivate us both.
Good bye for now but not for good. Who knows what the roller coaster
Has in store for all of us…but I am going to let go of the bar and feel the breeze
Rushing through my finger tips. Trusting that God has bigger plans for us.
Friends Forever. "More than" Once in this lifetime I have said these words --
I still love and care for all of you and I truthfully mean that.
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