Basket Case

going through old poems I have saved here at work. I tend to just type lines up or try to put a few lines together during down times. and i have alot of poems and cuplets saved... this one i even put a note on saying "didnt come out as well as i wanted" ... but now that i look at it again... looks pretty good as is.

BASKET CASE

I’m so sorry I wrote you into the scene
But I can’t help wondering how good it could be

To hold you close to my heart and in my arms
I know you’ve been hurt and I mean no harm

For we all have to stumble til we find whats worth fighting for
If I’ve been too forward or bold , show me the door

And I will go willingly but will stop to say once more
That there is something so special about who you are my friend

And how you make me feel inside is something I don’t ever want to lose
Not just the feeling I have…but you… the person who warms my heart

Powerless over other people

this was my AA email for the day, but felt it fits here as well..

In a way, I had hit another bottom, an emotional, spiritual one this time. I remember every bit of it, and it was rough. I wouldn’t recommend my way to anyone, but finally one night, alone and lost, eaten up with old jealousies, old fears, I was fighting to hang on to the one thing I had, my sobriety. I was near an old panic that many of us know about. I couldn’t, I wouldn’t let myself take a drink, but I had to find a way to overcome the battle inside, to quiet the tensions. Then this happened: I knew I had to admit I was powerless over other people. I had to admit this just as, in order to keep sober, I had to admit I was powerless over alcohol.




I cannot make anyone love me, or even like me.




Oh, I still have some of my active drunk’s talent to create a scene and twist a conversation so someone may be forced into saying what I want to hear, but I have no power to make anyone feel anything. All I can do is work to make myself worthy of love.




As these thoughts came to me – and they came almost in the words I’ve written out here – I felt a great relief. It was Armistice Day - after all these years.




AA Grapevine, January 1961, “People Are Like People”


© 1986, AA Grapevine, Inc., The Best of the Grapevine [volume 2], pages 104-1

Sand Castles

Sand Castles

Seems that every singles ad has the same old lines
I like to take long walks on the beach
Who doesn’t enjoy the thought of that?
who doesn’t want to find that someone to share it with?

Sitting here today thinking of sand castles
The artistry and the reason why we make them
Seems every kid growing up has to participate
Like its some fairy tale we all must experience

But what makes a sand castle different is that its not permanent
It’s a moment in time , the effort it takes to build
The person or people that help you
That perfect summer day listening to the breakers
Crash gently upon the shoreline
As the seagulls bark out at the people walking by

Castles made of sand… quickly and suddenly do they disappear
Washed away by the rising tides never to be seen again
And yet we all keep building them over and over
Maybe next time we use better tools. Bigger buckets
Further from the shore with this attempt
To make it last longer and stronger than the last

Ive been dreaming of those long walks on the beach
Holding hands and the sense of peace and calm and contentment
Playing with children in the sand. Teaching them and sharing.
Maybe ive learned some techniques along the way
That lead to prettier designs or stronger walls
Satisfying the soul and bringing smiles to us all

But child and adult alike know that the effort is only temporary
Not meant to last too long just a memory it seems
Lucky to last past the last rays of an evening sun
Descending effortlessly along the horizon

Maybe ive never built a house of stone.
A fortress to protect my childish heart
Seems im too busy building castles made of sand
Not wanting to grow up too fast or too much
And yet I keep ignoring my need for higher ground
Foolishly and stubbornly trying to hold back the tide

Sitting here today thinking of sand castles

song that pulls on my heartstrings

just alot on my mind lately... been a rough few days emotions wise. dealing with sick cats, hurt and injured stray... just feeling alot of frustrations in my life and this song came to mind...as i thought of people in my life. a happier time when i felt content and the apple of someones eye...when i hadnt let them down and i was just so amazed that someone wanted to be married to me.

I was introduced to this artist through myspace years ago... and i just have always loved the words and the feelings this song protrays so eloquently. enjoy

COLORADO – by Jill Cohn (2002)

I got all these dreams I drag around like an old blanket
and envy gets the best of me when I think of others who have made it
so much for my maturity
I find myself fighting with me
and you are the warmest place in this great big cold world

so I just want to say
it's all right if it's not today
I just want you to know
from the bottom of my soul
I still love you anyway

my mama she gave me a box of lace and bows
I feel just like a silly hippie girl who dressed up just to miss the show
hitching on the wrong side of the road somewhere down in Colorado
not knowing if its time to go, or will it ever be my time to stay

so I just want to say
it's all right if it's not today
I just want you to know
from the bottom of my soul
I still love you anyway

you got me buying all those kinds of magazines
I'm planning out our future as if you've asked me to be your queen
buy the things I think I need to compete with the pictures I have seen
and you meet my insecurities with love and understanding

so I just want to say
it's all right if it's not today
I just want you to know
from the bottom of my soul
I still love you anyway

©2002 Box O' Beanies Music BMI.

“ total inability to form a true partnership “

“ total inability to form a true partnership “



But it is from our twisted relations with family, friends, and society at large that many of us have suffered the most. We have been especially stupid and stubborn about them. The primary fact that we fail to recognize is our total inability to form a true partnership with another human being. Our egomania digs two disastrous pitfalls. Either we insist upon dominating the people we know, or we depend upon them far too much. If we lean too heavily on people, they will sooner or later fail us, for they are human, too, and cannot possibly meet our incessant demands. In this way our insecurity grows and festers. When we habitually try to manipulate others to our own willful desires, they revolt, and resist us heavily. Then we develop hurt feelings, a sense of persecution, and a desire to retaliate. As we redouble our efforts at control, and continue to fail, our suffering becomes acute and constant. We have not once sought to be one in a family, to be a friend among friends, to be a worker among workers, to be a useful member of society. Always we tried to struggle to the top of the heap, or to hide underneath it. This self-centered behavior blocked a partnership relation with any one of those about us. Of true brotherhood we had small comprehension.

© 1981, AAWS, Inc., Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, “Step Four,” page 53






This is one of those passages that I read constantly because it is so me…so true and so exactly what drove me to drink and use… and then the drink affected the very thing I was trying to accomplish… feeling closer to others and not so alone and desperate. Thought I’d share my morning email with you today.

What if I told you

What if I told you
That I wish you were here...
So that I could show you
How beautiful I think you
Are in more than words...
Let your frustrations out on me
As I ease your fears
With confidence and faith
A tenderness and passion
Beyond any depth you’ve ever known

All An Act

All An Act
I’m Acting Out
I guess that’s what they call it
But in time I will figure
Just what’s this all about

You’re Acting In
You keep it all bottled up
You cut your skin again
Save the blood in a cup

I would drink for you
If only I could
Just drink over you
Wouldn’t feel very good

To Get Over you
Or Did you get one over on me?
Have you moved on alone
Or do you still like what you see?

See I feel for you
Maybe more that I should
I would be numb-drunk again
If only I could

They say “Act As If”
As if I am there with you?
They say “Act Your Way”
Toward thinking Straight
You know my thoughts are tangents
Do we think the same way?

Acting Up
Like a spoiled little kid
Acting Up
Now they hate me for what I did

Acting Now
You see it’s all an Act
I can’t just be myself
When I’m with you
My fantasies come true
Were you just acting too?
Or did it suddenly all become too real?

What Is it that you want?

Ive decided to post all my old poetry in the days to come. This one was written at a point of frustration but it seems to take on a subtler,lovelier place in my heart as the years go by now. Enjoy

What Is it that you want?

She asked me" What is it that you want?"
I pulled back not sure if she was being cold or truly unaware of how i felt.

What i want? Isn't that obvious by now?
To be THERE -- on the couch, sharing sodas and snacks
fighting for the remote
and telling you to hang up with your friend so i can start the movie

Watching a chick flick and not feeling all Gay about it either
Cooking a nice meal together..
cleaning up quick so we can go spend time with the child
Before spending a few minutes together too

Talking, Laughing,smiling and kissing
Dealing with the hard days to come - the rain and the sun
Dealing with the pain of the past -- together .. so that we have a bright future
Listening, cuddling ,spooning

Hold hands walking side by side through life
Loving each other more and more each passing moment
Learning to love each other better each and every day